"to accept the things I can not change."
I think it's time to believe. To accept that I'm that person. A woman who uses those around her, manipulates them with emotion, and schemes to get into positions to use people, especially men.
That I lack any personal insight and have deluded myself and altered my memories to convince myself otherwise.
But yeah, I must be that other person. If i was whom I thought I am, well, I'd have a different life. I must be the awful Yolanda. MAkes sense, though, I keep hearing about other women with my name and time and again she's a selfish taking user.
I can't really bring up any evidence to the contrary. Everything about me agrees with this premise.
So if it's true, I don't have any business here. The world will absolutely get along not only without me, but probably better. I'm destroying my poor dog's mind with all my crying day in and day out and emotional outbursts. Its hard on the bird too. Of course, constantly creating drama and agitating at Dan is hard on him. So seriously, anyone can wash dishes and cook soup. He's a good looking man, he can replace me pretty easily. I doubt he will, probably go live in Spokane with his mother and look after her then inherit the house. Selling this place will pay off the bills that don't expire with my death.
So I dont know if I'm strong enough or how long it'll take or if there's ways to hasten it, but for today anyway I quit eating. I don't expect to last more than a day or two. I'm too craven and weak even to remove myself from the planet.
where's a murderer when you need one?
Well for now, I'm just getting up, washing any dishes waiting, getting the birds up, and going back to sleep on the couch till Dan comes home. Then upstairs for more nothing till it's time to feed the rabbits.
Not sure what I'll do when I can't sleep at all but I'm hoping the lack of food keeps me in hibernation mode. That's about all I expect it to be good for, a few days of hibernating.
I'd change if I could but if I haven't gotten better by now, it's clear I never will. Things have just never gotten any better. I've gone from trying hard to save a few precious friendships to this. If I"m this horrible then what in hell do I have to live for? To know I'm going to be shitting on everyone or starving alone anyway? I mean, that's ow this life will end, itsn't it? Whether I starve myself at age 51 or starve quietly in my empty house with no means to care for myself at an older age.
I feel like I could starve myself. I've been hungry often enough that there's a kind of comfort in being hungry. Like not eating is the only virtuous act of which I'm capable. So I'll try. See how long I last. Fasting doesn't cause problems anyway. I just want to quit. I can't do it. I am tired of failing.
That I lack any personal insight and have deluded myself and altered my memories to convince myself otherwise.
But yeah, I must be that other person. If i was whom I thought I am, well, I'd have a different life. I must be the awful Yolanda. MAkes sense, though, I keep hearing about other women with my name and time and again she's a selfish taking user.
I can't really bring up any evidence to the contrary. Everything about me agrees with this premise.
So if it's true, I don't have any business here. The world will absolutely get along not only without me, but probably better. I'm destroying my poor dog's mind with all my crying day in and day out and emotional outbursts. Its hard on the bird too. Of course, constantly creating drama and agitating at Dan is hard on him. So seriously, anyone can wash dishes and cook soup. He's a good looking man, he can replace me pretty easily. I doubt he will, probably go live in Spokane with his mother and look after her then inherit the house. Selling this place will pay off the bills that don't expire with my death.
So I dont know if I'm strong enough or how long it'll take or if there's ways to hasten it, but for today anyway I quit eating. I don't expect to last more than a day or two. I'm too craven and weak even to remove myself from the planet.
where's a murderer when you need one?
Well for now, I'm just getting up, washing any dishes waiting, getting the birds up, and going back to sleep on the couch till Dan comes home. Then upstairs for more nothing till it's time to feed the rabbits.
Not sure what I'll do when I can't sleep at all but I'm hoping the lack of food keeps me in hibernation mode. That's about all I expect it to be good for, a few days of hibernating.
I'd change if I could but if I haven't gotten better by now, it's clear I never will. Things have just never gotten any better. I've gone from trying hard to save a few precious friendships to this. If I"m this horrible then what in hell do I have to live for? To know I'm going to be shitting on everyone or starving alone anyway? I mean, that's ow this life will end, itsn't it? Whether I starve myself at age 51 or starve quietly in my empty house with no means to care for myself at an older age.
I feel like I could starve myself. I've been hungry often enough that there's a kind of comfort in being hungry. Like not eating is the only virtuous act of which I'm capable. So I'll try. See how long I last. Fasting doesn't cause problems anyway. I just want to quit. I can't do it. I am tired of failing.