The next 50 years

Lost all those appointments because I deleted them from the calendar. They were intimidating me too much.  now I'm stuck.  can't make myself call the doc to see him again.  Can't stand the idea of talking to multiple strangers on the phone, none of whom has any reason to give a fuck about me.  If I fail to go through with treatment, the cancer pain will come back as bad as ever,worse, and it'll hurt for months before I finally die of  it.  But I am at a wall.  I just can't make myself do anything.  Can't even eat anymore.  Just cry and cry and cry. Shake and sob, scared and hopeless.  Nobody to help me because all that reaching out didn't do me any good at all. Dan's getting chores done but other than that, it could be last year.  Same fucking scene.  Me alone at home depressed and sick.  Garden overgrown (technically Tom's looking after it but he's not up to the job).  All that reaching out, what was that for? Short...

Monday night I swallowed all the tablets of dilaudid I had.  The bottle was 2/3 full or so, more than half anyway.  I didn't even fall asleep.  By sunrise I came back in from the van and gave up. I threw up a lot of orange water then went to bed. I kind of drowsed till full morning, then threw up repeatedly, again, although nothing came up. I stayed dizzy and headachey all day.  I had itches all day.  I had dry mouth all day.  My digestion went haywire and my stoma shrank back inside and giant boulders tried to pass, making me sick again this morning and I spent the afternoon at the ostomy clinic getting some education and advice. Some of the advice regarded getting rid of Dan by finding income.  It sounded so reasonable in the office, but now, trying to figure out how to implement the ideas it seems impossible, overwhelming, confusing, and highly unlikely.  I can still drive a car, send payment to utilities, wipe my own ass, count out money for ...

I'm feeling incredibly disheartened.  I just don't have faith that there's a future for me and I'm thinking to just quit caring for myself again.  If I just don't eat properly or enough for the next couple weeks I might not pass the pre-surgery exam and get put off.  I don't want to go.  I don't believe saving my life is worth all the pain and effort and cost.  I don't want to continue living my life.  I've tried to explain to people but they just don't get it.  They argue with me.  The probblems that make me feel that way stay, but the people telling me not to feel it go away.I'm right back to where I was this time last year when I was praying for cancer to take me out. Dan's giving me static for going out to play pokemon at the park, while Tom is miffed because I went out into the countryside without him.  I was so glad of it too because I didn't have to listen to him complain, or cut the trip short for him.  I was able to have Tim...

Here's the drive from my last blog post.

It feels so strange to be so weak for so long.  I'm using my car to do things better done by bicycle!  I got onto that game, Pokemon Go, and I started walking a bit, cycling around downtown, and that was a blast. After about 3 days, though, I had debilitated.  It's odd, see, this pain in my butt grows till it's too much to ignore, and the pain steals my energy, but I start the day pretty okay.  I go to the park periodically because there's game stops in the park.  One is a pokemon go gym, the other end of the park is where the pokestop is.  You don't see these things except via the game, but I love the geotagging.  it's what makes this game so popular and fun.  It is surely the most popular game of all time and it's free to play and all features can be accessed without spending money, if you're patient.  The game aims to get you out and moving and I was pleased to do that, but it's just not having the right results.  Instead of it gradua...

The world really does need me.  I used to think God hated me, so I was going to be stuck here till I was 108, or learned to want to be alive.  That leaves me thinking, why then are you killing me off?  Or maybe not, I mean, it's not spread in spite of it's age and size.  Maybe I'm being taught only.  But back to the world needs me.  I believe that now.  I am important, whether they know it or not.  I've felt this way before, but not for any definable reasons, just the idea that some day I was going to do something spectacular.  Now I am pretty sure nothing I will do will be any more spectacular than what I've done, but that the little things I do are valuable.  Like how small species of animals can hold the balance of an ecosystem just going about being alive.  I really would like more humans to give a damn and visit me, I dunno.  I'm realizing that some of the extreme loneliness is in fact a direct result of my failing health....