The next 50 years

I have thought long and hard on the roommate idea and I think not.  I am not adamant in that but I don't think it's wise. In the past, I've had trouble with boundaries with people.  In both directions.  I've often lost my housing because I depended on a relationship that then disintegrated.  I've sat and thought about how this happened in a couple or few cases, using my current wisdom and past memory, and can say I can't be sure this won't happen again.  Sure, I understand more and better, but do I understand well enough?  And then there's the whole notion of projection.  Me, projecting on them, my needs, expectations, ideas or structure. Whether as daydreaming in advance or as behaviour during the tenure.  It's just too precarious. I'm thinking, maybe renting a room as an airbnb, however, means spare money for hiring people for those occasions I think I would need someone around.  Pet sitter or house sitter or kennel for the pets, for instan...

They did it, notices on the RVs with tape, six weeks till the parking is removed.  4 hours everywhere.  There are a scant few contested spots here and there, but none that would let me sit.  My brakes are now depending on someone in saskatchewan finding a working part in a field somewhere.  It's dire.  I'm feeling so desperate. The hate from citizens is getting vicious too. The dance school lady is trying to get me in trouble for dog poop, even taking her dog to the park to leave some so she can complain.  I keep it cleaned. Drivers burn rubber at 5am outside my window. honk the row every day to and from work, rev and speed by, shout out their windows at us if they see us out.  One guy resorted to spray painting "move this" on people's rvs. When he got caught he tried to clean it but the stuff damaged the paint. Dan got tagged.  I had a blood pressure crisis one night, and then got it under control, then it spiked again when the missive arrived. S...

I ought to mention the health crisis I had last weekend.  There was so much going on with the mechanic being here, and a nearby RV exploding, and the police photographing then ticketing everyone, that I literally almost died of shock and exhaustion. My blood pressure reached an ungodly  number at the top of the red zone scale. My head went into explosion mode and tested the walls of every blood vessel in it.  Painfully.  I threw up from it, repeatedly, then crashed out in exhaustion. The mechanic noticed and kept watch and helped me dump my toilet when I was able to get up and talk again. I took immediate action and have restored a healthy number. Last night a dude across the way, 3 sheets to the wind and cracking another vodka soda thing, fell into the spikey bushes during a mantrum at his longsuffering mother.  Screamed like a banshee till I got him out of there. Insisted his leg was broken till he stood on it and I guess it was just a nasty bruise and a man b...

 I got a new idea in my head and added to the daydream.. I worry I might be going too far, though, because it includes someone without their knowlege much less permission, in the fantasy. Lemme sketch it out. The house I have my eye on now is a 2 bdrm 3 storey deal with extra toilet room, boat house on the main floor, and rooftop deck. It'scheaper and bigger and way more suited to me in a lot of ways.   Anyway there's is also this woman nearby living with an abuser. I am dead certain she is generally a caring a person, more like me than not, and would leave him if there was anything better.   So, ask her to help me move. Invite her to rent the spare bedroom on the last day, just go get her stuff and done. I think she would be less grief than a B&B and if I have to rent to someone, she's quiet and gentle. I don't know a ton about her but she seems like a person who just needs some intellectual and organizational support at most, maybe only housing like me. ...

So I have gotten to know my neighbors better in spite of myself. I can't say I want to get involved but true to form i let myself get sucked in.  Well it's part of how I justify my existence, by caring.  So, ahead of me is a nasty man with one dog, one woman, and one parrot, and the animals are female, and he rages over their heads on the daily for stupid reasons.  The woman is sweet.  the parrot can be rehomed. The dog is gentle.  the house I'm daydreaming has 4 levels and 2 bedrooms and I would love an in-house young fit person who could help out with the hard work. I could get her paid for it too potentially as an official caregiver, as well as roommate, so she could earn a little as well as us both having half the cheap monthly cost. She would get out, I wouldn't be reliant on Dan's help and I think she's peaceable enough and so am I. We both want quietitude mostly. I could teach her skills too.  So that's my current daydream.  If the house comes t...

Oh so tired I am. I've been past exhaustion to actual dysfunction for weeks now and still trying to use adrenalin to push past it because life is making demands beyond my capacity.  Now I'm having heart attacks. And the fear of what I clearly see happening is NOT helping me reduce tension.  Yesterday I was beginning to feel the breeze of sanity on my brow when the mechanic didn't show up and then at bedtime an RV very nearby exploded and burned to the frame. Sirens, conversations with neighbors, loud booms, worry, knowing I cannot move this fucking thing, it's all terrifying. And exhausting. So then the mechanic shows up, and also the woman crazy maker across the way keeps bringing stuff up about the bylaw and how we're all getting kicked out of here.   I've been having chest pains all weekend, and tonight, nausea, dizziness, brain fog, exhaustion. I do a little, I'm wiped out. Light headed too. I know goddamn well I need to go to the hospital but I haven...

My shoulders are hunching so bad now that I need to take muscle relaxants to function. I can't sit with my phone in my hand at all and hand work is challenging. I am getting shooting pains all down my arms and numbness and tingling too, because of pinched nerves. Today they bombed me with a "you have to move every 72 hours" placard. I don't know why, but they've changed their minds on letting us live here quiet.  For now, I'm swapping car and bus and let's see how well that works.  I have a charity worker helping file taxes and apply to housing and stuff, and we met today.  I am still scared of her but treating her like she has my interests first, hoping she does. It's not like I have anything to hide anyway. So, that's the update, not much to say. 

I've been chasing relax for awhile now. the tension makes me hunch and it's pinching my arm nerves and it's not good. It hurts, and weakens my arms. So relaxing is a problem for me. I feel like I need to be ready to leap into action all the time. I can force a relax on my body but it's good for a few seconds at a time. I was getting better. Then that bylaw officer bitched on by. I was out walking one of the dogs, rain was absolutely pissing down. The kind of pissing down that is unbelievable even while it's pounding through you. Dog has just had her crap and we are ready to go back. But wait, that car has stopped, rolled it's window down, it belongs to the city, and the woman inside wants to know how I've been. This is the woman who gets to decide if I sit quiet or get tickets so I have to be polite. In the fucking drenching rain. I try and get to her point, asking if there's something she needs to tell me, or are there changes afoot. She alludes that...

I feel so solitary tonight. Like, I want to just talk about things but there's not really an outlet. I went to the knitting group for the 3rd week. I was proud to show off my socks but they were ignored, except maybe for the dude who soon after went from sitting beside me to sitting across the room and table from me. Swiftly, much less. I found that move so pointed I just packed up and left. After all, I wanted to learn socks and I did.  This has me having to think more deeply about my desire for community vs my nerves. See, another thing I just figured out is what ails me. It's not CFS, or MS or another mysterious nervous system disorder. No, it's simple nervous exhaustion. I didn't realiize itcould manifest like this.With such a wide range of alarming symptoms. So I am now adding nerve system rest to my lifestyle. One way is to lay quiet with ablindfold, possibly knitting, or with ambient or classical music playing and no ads. Another is to mask the city noises ...

It was a difficult december.  I felt pretty low and my allergies were flaring often. Then someone fundraised for me and we used my credit card for it, meaning not only can I pay for repairs, but I can alternately also choose to save what was once monthly payments towards something like dental or veterinary or rental deposit or car maintenance. So that lightened my mood.  I also was able to replace my bus batteries so I can keep the diesel heater going. Well the disability forms seemed lost to me and that was bumming me out.  The dietician from the hospital called and I told her about it and she must have gotten through to the advocates to track down the application.  It finally did get submitted and while I waited for it to show up as pending, it got approved.  Like it went through immediately or something.   Well I figured, ok, might be some new advantages now, not much will change, my current multiple barrier status is equal in most things, right? We...