more daydream and pondering

 I got a new idea in my head and added to the daydream.. I worry I might be going too far, though, because it includes someone without their knowlege much less permission, in the fantasy.

Lemme sketch it out.

The house I have my eye on now is a 2 bdrm 3 storey deal with extra toilet room, boat house on the main floor, and rooftop deck. It'scheaper and bigger and way more suited to me in a lot of ways.  

Anyway there's is also this woman nearby living with an abuser. I am dead certain she is generally a caring a person, more like me than not, and would leave him if there was anything better.  

So, ask her to help me move. Invite her to rent the spare bedroom on the last day, just go get her stuff and done. I think she would be less grief than a B&B and if I have to rent to someone, she's quiet and gentle. I don't know a ton about her but she seems like a person who just needs some intellectual and organizational support at most, maybe only housing like me. She doesn't drink or do tobacco but smokes some weed. Perfect. I bet she prefers clean homes and I won't be keeping up after her.

So in my daydreams I'm teaching and mentoring her and in return not having to struggle alone all the time with everything, and in my mind, we relax into a comfy housemate relationship of give and take and share and no control games.  

Well anyway, I cannot say anything to her or act any way towards her lest it trigger her man into action of any kind. His best blessing is inertia right now and he couldn't do better than stay undecided and untriggered for the summer.

You see, this fabled inheritance I pray upon is not a closed story until probate court time frames run out, which is 6-8months for deliberations after initially flagging the case, which takes however long, as little as 6wks if they rubber stamp it all. But one can also lodge a disagreement up to 6mos after will is submitted, so I might also find a lawyer to fight for me. As an abused, neglected disabled child of the deceased I am entitled to a full share. whether it's half or a third depends on how they consider my brother into it. But at this point I have no knowlege if the thing was just stamped through or is in probate. I only know they were seeking out my late father as listed trustee, and he died in 2013, making the will potentially flagged as suss. 

Then how do they know about me? Do they? Can't figure out how to tell them. 

So in my favour it could take till mid summer for word, and till august to get the housing sorted. I pray every year to avoid another winter out in the bus. That was my 3rd? yeah, third. 

It's now been 3 years. The house sold last summer but I never got any word of how much for, or if there was surplus or where it went. 

Again, I wish someone would help with those but nobody seems willing of the many places I've tried.

I may learn something when the taxreturn is processed and they send me my account. If it's paid off or zero, that would be progress however it came about. Maybe it would show somehow whence the money came.

Honestly if it wasn't for clinging to the idea that magic is real and I am neither delusional nor worse, mentally ill, I would definitely be mentally ill. It sustains me. 

If the woman in question said no, I guess it's a guest room for the time being. the idea in my head is that enough $ exists in the estate to also allow me to pay a decade in advance to the marina. By the end of that, I can see if I've saved enough to keep going a few more years or has my income improved or something else has solved it. If I have a renter installed, it helps extend my finances, simple as. I would even have the choice of charging a pretty stupid rent in that location, but honestly would rather split costs as roommates. I guess if you don't tell them, you can exploit them for more? Is there a percentage that, because of maintenance budgeting, is reasonable over 50%? I guess I should think about that aspect too.

Well now you can see how the daydreams are sustaining themselves. PIcturing myself doing this and that, planning, etc. 

Something I have nobody to whom to say this, my language is rotting.

I am forgetting how to spell words or forgetting whole words. It's alarming to me. I hope it's a factor of nervous exhaustion and will repair. I certain intend to do a course of microdosed shrooms asap after housed. It may repair anything like that.

But we can't ignore the thick layer of brown smog that coats my skin everything I come back inside. That's exhaust pollution and I am breathing it in 24/7. Tailpipes marinating me in my tin can with toxic deadly fumes that do indeed wreck brains.

I really am enduring in so many ways. It's some strange race between my health and the court system gears.

And I don't even KNOW if it's in probate. it could be long over all over and nothing I can do about it and just waiting to cry all over again in helpless despair because there's nothing better and I can't park anywhere.

This is why I stick my brain in the faith place and just rest there. I have nothing else. And while I wait, the world turns and things change and many other maybes might arrive of which I cannot imagine now.

i can say a single furnished room in a shared housing care facility with no pets and just pick one small hobby is not going to fly.  

That's another reason I love the idea of taking in a pleasant natured younger roommate, they can also be helpful. they can be there for the pets when I go to hospital and help with the work while I recover. they migth be able to get a wage from disability as a part time caregiver too. If I have a health emergency they can just make sure I get looked after without making me think so hard about it, because they'll know me enough by then.

In her favour it's a great place to live, pets to play with (she values pets) and she doesn't have to live alone, not that she has the money for anything either. I can let the rent slide because it's a fund for me rather than a critical need, and as she heals from the man, she is likely to get work, she's really compliant and that makes her employable. She told me she had intellectual disabilities. I haven't seen any sign of it though. 

Her parents suck, though. Returning to them is clearly worse than this and that's not much. So for her, it's a rescue. How long would she live there? If she didn't grow tired of my bullshit, indefinitely maybe. She's getting a bit old to go off with another man, being in her 40s. And I migth be providing what she's seeking when she does. Companionship, stability, housing. not everything revolves around sex, you know. 

I just wanted to record this new idea in it's nascent form.

My incoming money hand has been so insanely itchy lately, it's driving me crazy. ALL magic signs continue to point to relief and progress, in spite of all mundane signs being despair and apocalypse. it must bethe most dichotic, unhinged and unbalanced time in my entire life. And that IS saying much.

When I stop and observe the energy bands flowing through Life, or is the earth? All life? It's like the big blue marble is marbled currents and eddies of aura and I can look at them. Because, well, lifetime of fucking training and stuff, LOL

yeah, so they are rapidly changing color. In the conflict lines between states it's a bruised purple. In the newer areas,magenta. In the sick areas, inky blue, not quite indigo,like all the light sucked out of indigo.Or the velvet blacknight but instead of stars, flashes of lightning that illuminate nothing.

The pink is winning. It's moving through like cream in unstirred tea. Gently, quietly, unseen, heart to heart, mind to mind, people are tuning in to a gentler vibe, seeking to make better.

Germany did some insane shit a hundred years ago. Germans today are a much different people, while having retained their culture, their love of same, and their connection to each other. Yet they now understand deeply, I think, that "we are great" is not the same as "we are better." 

this is the kind of understand that must seep down into more people, more cultures, more countries. Canada too. We talk humility only to outsiders. our rhetoric inside Canada is a bigoted as anywhere else.  

Ego, it's the whole idea that "me" is so important it transcends life, death, and social rules. After you think long enough on it, it's just the silliest idea possible.