The next 50 years

I was watching a man talk about his childhood experience in a residential school.  He mentioned about his reaction to being sent back after trekking through the snow and ice to get home and report on the horrible conditions. As they always did in those days, they discounted his childish witness as excess imagination and childish fear.  They sent him back to suffer.  His response was to believe nobody would save him and nothing could be done but to try and die.  He says he started banging his head on the walls to try and die. He used to go outside and take off his coat and sit in the snow hoping to freeze to death. I used to do those things too.  For the same reasons.  From as far back as age 7 I've been suicidal.  I've felt that I am simply not equipped to face life.  Ironic that I've survived so much when I feel uncapable of meeting the demands of life.  I guess it's the demands of other people, not simply of being alive.  It's autumn...

When I feel suicidal, it's not about whether I deserve to live, or am worthy of life, or how important I am.  I already know that's all BS. We are all both important and unimportant depending on perspective, circumstances, and etc.  It's because life looks too difficult to me.  I feel like I can't do it. I don't like how it is and don't see myself able to change it.  Someone today said I need a vacation.  Well yeah, I've needed one a long time. I'm lucky if I get away once every ten years for a week.  I'm so incapable of so much the world requires and the things I am capable of do not profit me in the least.  I get suicidal because I just don't want to do it.  They say the suicide kills the world and the murderer kills himself. So true.  My anger at the world continues unabated.  I'm angry at being held to standards that seem not to apply to others. I'm angry at being shut out at every turn. I'm angry that when I reac out to ask for h...