The next 50 years

So I've read entire encyclopedias, three sets in grade school.  I've read my way through libraries, entire magazine series, and thousands of books both fact and fiction.  I've taken courses and classes, watched thousands of documentaries, and explored and experimented on my own beyond that on hundreds of topics ranging from rocket science to coddling eggs. It's my thing.  My gift.  Nobody's ever wanted it.  I'm a girl, for starters, and nobody likes a smart girl.  Nobody likes someone who acts smart either.  If you're smart you're supposed to go out and use your smarts to get rich and then they'll respect you.  But that requires a high level of dishonesty.  I know this because I spent a few years studying that too.  Financial success requires certain human qualities I do not possess.  Smart isn't enough. All these years I've tried to look after my brain, believing it's contained knowlege to be a marvel and a gift, and that one day...

I'm always worried, subconsciously, about people's mental anguish in not knowing something.  I realize they probably don't even notice they don't know, let alone feel bad about it.  Or maybe they've gotten used to the feeling?  I don't know but they never appreciate me trying to relieve them of it by telling them what they don't know.  Instead they presume I'm doing it to show them up.  That I maybe even fake the data I present so I can have data to present which, apparently, makes me better than them if it's real and they really don't know it.  So they dis the data, they dis me, and they work to "keep me in my place." I wonder why it is so important to me?  Not knowing something bothers me more than back spasms!  Apparently it's even worse than loneliness since I clearly prioritize knowlege over making people feel important!  But then, it's also my way of showing they're important to me by sharing my knowlege with them.  H...

So I decided yesterday that I didn't want to go on sitting on Broadway trying to sell my stuff.  Too many people look at me like I'm dirt and not enough sales.  I said "if the weather is crap and I don't go I'll unpack my stuff.  If I go and don't sell, that's the last time."  So the weather is crap and I unpack, but it's bitter and sad.  I am glad to keep the boxes, I love them so, but there's hundreds of dollars of paint and supplies and I love the painting, yet there's no outlet for my work.  So what do I paint that I can keep and use?  Cluttering up the house with shelves of pretty little things isn't that wise.  Frustrating.  I'm giving one box to Tom today.  I will offer him to choose another one or two if he likes, since there's nobody else to give them to.  I know he actually likes them and that's what I want, for them to be appreciated.  If it had been about the money they'd have been priced triple what they wer...

These are the ailments wrought by stress upon me. Full body muscle cramps.  I could isolate these to complain about back aches, neck aches, and charley horses but, well, it's all of them. Headaches and emotional scarring.  Everytime my anxiety peaks and causes me to get upset, I get averse conditioning to my world.  it makes my world *feel* scarier.  Just like being scared makes an animal more scared of what was happening. Stress aggravates my immune system resulting in hay fever and asthma attacks. Being tense messes up my digestion making it go back and forth between stones and water and it's done so much damage my rectum just bleeds with every fart like a little blood fountain.  It's horrid and getting scary. My teeth infections don't heal as well and get aggravated. Things that stress me daily:  The constant noise in the neighborhood.  the agitated noise from my parrot when he reacts to my agitation  The usual stuff we all deal with. ...

How exactly do you go out and get human co-operation if you can't stop crying long enough to make a phone call, anyway? it feels like it might just keep going forever but history favours a stopping point.  How is my pain so unimportant?  How is this me being strong?  How come I don't qualify for medical marijuana, community support assistance, or even a social group in which to build a support network?  How is my pain so irrelevant? Even if I don't describe is as pain because it's too familiar and constant to count, it's still completely disabling me.  The dishes barely get done.  The floors don't get swept or vacuumed enough, the bird cages don't get cleaned often enough, the garden is gone to weed and long, and I'm not accomplishing any of my goals for this summer.  I'm not even able to fake a cheer as "sales person" on the street in this condition, so can't even sell my wares.  I'm too fragile even to have faith in my art, let ...

I'm an adult autistic disabled woman who has had to get by with zero disability or care support since age 17 and even as a child was expected to get tougher.  I've been treated with callous indifference by the majority of people I've encountered, if not outright abuse and distrust. I have spent my life trying to be less autistic for them and garnered only more criticism until now, at age 52, I'm spent, damaged, scarred and devoid of proper social skills, still with zero community support of any kind, let alone targeted for my disability. Is it any wonder I do not have a lust for life?  Or that I get negative?  or that I cry a lot?  or that I suffer so horribly from stress and anxiety based complaints? Why then would a doctor prescribe drugs to dull the mind when my problem is so clearly real and physical and caused by a lack of support and kindness in my world? But still, I'm treated like an embarassment at best and shuffled off to a back room, or avoided. Is i...

"describe your meltdown" Funny, but researching it has me going into a semi-meltdown phase.  It's a very familiar state, I spend part of nearly every day there, and count days in row without it as success days. My throat tightens and my teeth grit, without my noticing it.  My face grimaces.  I breathe in gasps.  My head feels swollen, as does my face, and the constant wet of tears is really annoying.  He isn't today, but the parrot often responds to me at these times with audio aggression.  I suppose he's alarmed and defending himself against my agitated state. When it goes full meltdown, the swelling in my head, rather like having a bad flu, overtakes all else, even my constant back ache (which rises with my stress too, till it can become a screaming mimi pain).  I wouldn't call the way my head feels "pain" because it's a dull pressure that simply wipes out all cognition except fear.  Since fear has long since ceased to tell me what to do, I ...

"Meltdowns can take the form of screaming, crying, physical aggression or it can be a shutdown where there is no speaking or activity. In either situation the person with ASD is in tremendous distress. Their safety and emotional stability should be the top priority above all other considerations." I saw this video of a kid having a tantrum and his dog interfering to comfort him. It was titled "dog helps asperger's kid with meltdown."  It was exactly the kind of emotional meltdown I suffer all too frequently. It left me weeping.  Why?  Because everyone seemed to give a damn about the kid's emotional distress.  I've never experienced that.  When I hit emotional distress it's always been a case of "oh there she goes again, taking over the room with dramatic hysterics.  Get her out of here and make sure she regrets it." Now I see above that there are people who actually think it's not okay for someone like me to feel the way I do so oft...

I booked myself in for a hair appointment yesterday.  I thought it went well, although during some points I sensed she'd turned on me.  However, she was too professional to be obvious about it so I wasn't able to know if it was paranoia or instinct, you know?  I mean, normal humans would sense these things clearly, I'm just left with a vague uncertainty I can't trust.  I can't ask anyone about it as they'd always lie.  Humans always lie.  That's the problem.  They lie, and they expect you to do the same and I just can't. I got done my hair appointment, she tried giving me a discount, several times, as though she'd done something horrible to me, but I was innocent yet.  When I was giving my hair a better look in the bathroom I finally realized she'd swapped the pink and blue colours and I had blue hair with pink accents instead of pink hair with blue accents. I stopped by the salon to make sure she knew, and she acted like she thought that was w...

it's been an eventful year in terms of pet death and Today is the first day in eight years that hasn't included Lucky Edgar Wapass, a Unique Rabbit of great strength and courage. This little blind bunny, who wasn't so small, was of a breed often used in meat farming, a blend of Continental meat rabbits and the more handleable Himalyan, to produce a white rabbit with pink eyes and a dusting of shading on his ears and nose.  Lucky's story before we met him is conjecture but from what he was able to tell us, I'd say he was brought home to apologize for abuse and then used as a pawn in future abuse by a man with a woman.  When tossed into the cold night that november, or perhaps he made a break for it, he found himself in a world for which he was ill suited.  Even rabbits evolved for these winters have short brutal lives.  After perhaps a fortnight he was thin, sick, and tired. Dan first spotted him.  we were cycling to the gym for the evening.  It was bitter...

Raw dump, unfinished notes.  Writeup to follow I am so clueless it's maddening.  I can't even remember how to use my voltmeter and hubby lost the instructions... So I'm currently struggling to figure out why it doesn't change blink speed as per page two, but I've noticed that page 3, "stitch pixels and code" doesn't include any code or any hint of instruction regarding the code.  Is it supposed to work on the original upload?  Is there something I'm supposed to know that isn't included? I have not read through every guide on this site.  I am unfamiliar with too much of what's written, leading to data retension failure and emotional overwhelm. The arduino software never works without some kind of error, so that doesn't help.  The only way I know if the code uploaded is if it gets a result.  I just built the "really simple animatronic tail" and there was never any sign of success except the servo going. So I've checked ...

raw dump: Adafruit trinket 16mhz for "really simple animatronic tail" Adafruit  Gemma2 TX1020 HP touchsmart laptop with win8.1 x64 I wasn't working on the gemma project as I'm waiting on parts to arrive, but took out the board to compare. Trinket board does not pulse the red LED.  It turns on and then shortly after, off.  no pulse or blink. Device manager does not show it. After reading someone else's issue with a power-only usb cable I tried a new cable and the trinket now goes into bootloader mode. I can't see a difference in the two cables but there you have it.  Script still doesn't upload. Changed USB ports on my PC to another of the 3 outlets.  Suddenly it was behaving more like the descriptions on this forum.  The trinket was even listed in device manager with the warning triangle and the opportunity to install drivers, which I did, and they took. There was yet an error from control panel:"Windows found driver software for your devi...

So I've got a batch of earrings and holder set up, they're painted just a bit for accent.  I also made a necklace holder.  I haven't tested it but I'm confident all the same.  It just bolts onto the loop latch on my hatch back glass.  It's an antler!  it's got a fine collection of prongs to hold lanyards up and they'll display right at eye level.  Then behind them, I'll hook the earring racks onto the car's water sealant strip under the glass hatch.  The tailgate and two tables make up the rest of my "booth" and I've got a crude sign to set upright behind the seats to finish the tiny gallery.  Even funnier, unlike many folks I don't have to order a full wholesale set of blanks to have enough stock "on hand" from week to week. I only need to be sure I keep a stock of filament!  It takes a lot less space than finished items. I did a quick calculation last night and figured I'd make $150 off it and that was depressing th...

I really need to write.  I have been struggling to complete necessary chores and prep stuff for selling next weekend because my fascination with the new game, minecraft, is overtaking it all in my mind!  I know this won't last forever but it's likely to take over the summer and winter at least.  I do it that way.  So things like this blog which is neither necessary, like dishes and caring for pets and plants, nor directly rewarding, like selling art or sharing on social media, takes  a back seat.  Well it's here, and I'm writing now, so it'll be here when I need it.  That's it's purpose, getting stuff off my chest without annoying people. People.  They say things to me like "stop being so ... (insert brilliant idea here) and you'll get along better with people!"  That's like saying to a coloured person "bleach your skin" in response to complaints of racism.  My problem is I'm lonely because people are intolerant and impatient...