The next 50 years

I magiced the puppy. Ok so the puppy got spayed and it got infected.  There was edema and a terrible ugly cyst.  We'd taken her in earlier and the symptoms had masked in the clinic, but then two days later burst out worse than ever. She was depressed, in pain, all in all, just awful. So I rushed breakfast to take her in. The cyst broke open that morning and she was dripping ichor all over that morning. Yech.    Well the vet flushed the wound and prescribed antibiotics, pain killers, and saline flushes.  She also had a cough which was really scaring me.  So I sat down that evening and put myself into magic mode.  I drew down the stars and covered her with shining invisible light. I illuminated her like a 3d xray in my mind and saw the black area where the ichor was flushing away and that it had contained boundaries and was shrinking, but flourishing in the center of her chest, well in her lungs, there was greyness.  Sticky, persistent, alive, some ...

So my kidney is swollen, can't drain properly. Things to do all depend on testing for kidney function. Which only happens early in the morning, at the university hospital.  Which is when my ostomy is active. Which sent me into a tailspin. I told her I'd have to go have my emotions and get back to her on Monday. I also decided to stop vlogging. it's so damn much work and far as I can see, pointless.   When I really need to share, I come here.  Where I know nobody gives a fuck, no illusions. I get it off my chest. Nobody will argue with me or worry about me. I'm so sick of trying to explain myself to people.  It's so pointless. They don't get it. They never get it. Even when it's something as simple as my ostomy problems. in that case I think they start shutting it out after the word "colostomy" and just step back onto protocol. So why am I testing my kidney again? To decide what to do about it. Ignore it or shove a tube up and try to get it flowing...

We are part of God. We came from and will return to It. When we are with it, we know what It knows, for we are they are they are us and we are all one. But Life, for that is another name we have, thirsts to know itself. To speak and hear it's own story. And that is a very long story which contains every story ever told. If it can be, it shall be, and so every life is a part that must be played. The script may be improv, but the nature of events and characters and choices shall not.  For each and every life, however tragic, that can possibly happen must happen.  Each of us plays a role. When we've done wrong, we were part of someone's experience who was slated to have that experience and when we've been harmed, it was also time to feel harm. Or time to feel victory. Or joy or sorrow or shame or pride.  Depending on the story and the part you've chosen before birth. it's yours now. YOu aren't that part, that part isn't you. No more than an actor is the rol...