The next 50 years

I haven't felt this much jealousy of other people since my 20s. It's a constant niggling pop up like mice in the garage or weeds in the lawn.  I see them living normal lives, pursuing satisfying endeavours, having successes and friends and experiences and I just want to scream in rage and self pity. Oh part of this is just the nerve damage.  I'm being bogged down energy-wise.  My brain isn't firing on all cylinders, and my nerves are full of static.  That too pisses me off. I'm mad about the colostomy.  I'm mad about regaining all that weight. I'm mad I still have these goddamn breasts and probably can't get them taken off and they're so annoying. Annoying, you ask?  Ok, so they're hot, always hot. They're obscene. You know they are. I can't just post a picture of them  no matter how well formed they may be.  They could be the prettiest tits god ever dropped on a chest (they aren't) and they'd still be classed as obscene, right...

Our debt just doubled.  Overnight, yep. We'd not filed for taxes for 3 years because I got too sick to nag Dan and he just didn't pay attention to it.  We got our returns and we owe more than the value of our house to the government while the house itself is mortgaged to the hilt already. So we owe money we can't and will never be able to pay even if we sell everything and move on to the sidewalk to live.  Far as I can tell. I've been emotional about it.  Didn't get much sleep, not in much shape today. I have applied for jobs at the pet stores and booked to see a credit counsellor. More than that I don't know what to do. The job thing is a fool's errand. I don't think I'm employable.  I will try if they hire me but I'm still pretty sick so it's not too promising.  Our utilities just doubled this winter too.   Dan just keeps working and the money just keeps evaporating and I have no idea which way is up or down or what to do about it.  I can...

I just thought of this. What if I adopted a new attitude of avoiding efficiency and expediency?  Everything I do, I'm thinking about how to do it more efficiently.  Oh I'm capable of impressive feats of it, yes.  Three, four things on the go at once, every move plotted.  Start the kettle first so it's boiling when the bags are peeled and put in the pot (maybe, usually not anyway).   Start the long slow thing first and monitor it while you do all the quick little things. I know, it sounds like a good thing to be able to do. and it is.  And I can. That's just it.  Know what I can't do?  Slow down and relax.  yeah, I have a LOT of time on my hands right now. Why do I need to be efficient?  I do need to learn to relax, though.  to feel that sense of time being passed mindfully, with presence, with awareness.  Not have it scuttle past my flurry of activity, ashamed that it exists, feeling like the unwanted cousin at the reunion. ...

Someone tried to suggest that keeping one's own counsel enables one to bypass social judgement. No.  It doesn't.  If you tell them you're celibate and sober, they assume you're lying and judge you degenerate anyway.  If you tell them you have some vices of any kind, they assume you're mitigating and it's probably a lot worse and they judge you. What happens when they judge you? Well family denies you aid or comfort, even company.  It's the sister with the babies who gets people dropping by with groceries to help her through the week. She has hard evidence of her misbehaviour but she curls her hair and dons pointy shoes, so she's clearly trying, eh? If I were bound and determined to present a face that others would respect and admire even if they don't know me for shit, assuming I could, I'd actually be supporting that judgmental state.  I'd be promoting it. In fact I couldn't just recuse myself from the conversation. Everyone knows if ...

I get so bored when I'm too tired to do anything.  Just watching videos day after day. I did put up a couple of youtube videos for nobody to watch.  Nobody does anymore. There were some polite efforts last december but it fell off.  That's ok.  It's not what I want but I'm not losing anything but useless time. Because I've essentially spent my time laying around the house just trying to keep laundry, floors and dishes clean, there's really nothing to talk about. But hey, hi.

Now I know he's on board.  Last weekend we saw a bus on the ads that looked like a great deal and this weekend it's parked outside our house!  I made Dan do the arrangements to see it and pick it up and he went through it all like a champ.  We had enough to pay for it, it was really cheap.  1987 bus, 72 passenger, so like 40 ft long, and only 130k km on it!  We have a spot secured at a nearby storage lot but it's out the side for now as it needs a new starter and dan is going to get on it this weekend. As to our relationship, he's come so far this year it's wonderful.  I still have reason to correct him, he still works himself into silly rages, but he's a lot more respectful and has entirely quit trolling me emotionally.  That's a great new word, eh? Trolling.  I'm not even sure what we used to use instead of it.  The act of provoking someone to elicit a negative emotional response.  Yep, it's a good one. I've got a cold.  Yucky...