Jealousy
I haven't felt this much jealousy of other people since my 20s. It's a constant niggling pop up like mice in the garage or weeds in the lawn. I see them living normal lives, pursuing satisfying endeavours, having successes and friends and experiences and I just want to scream in rage and self pity.
Oh part of this is just the nerve damage. I'm being bogged down energy-wise. My brain isn't firing on all cylinders, and my nerves are full of static. That too pisses me off.
I'm mad about the colostomy. I'm mad about regaining all that weight. I'm mad I still have these goddamn breasts and probably can't get them taken off and they're so annoying.
Annoying, you ask? Ok, so they're hot, always hot. They're obscene. You know they are. I can't just post a picture of them no matter how well formed they may be. They could be the prettiest tits god ever dropped on a chest (they aren't) and they'd still be classed as obscene, right? Not posted on facebook. You don't get up and answer the door with them out. You don't stand in the window with them uncovered. But I sit topless all damn day or the hot flashes overwhelm me and make me feel sick and faint. Also they drench me with runnlets of sweat, make my clothes so wet you can wring them, soak through everything. My hair too. It gets smelly as sweat will do. So I sit here in a bikini top, constantly adjusting it because these stupid meat bags keep shifting and falling out. I want them OFF! I don't want to schedule mammograms every six months. I don't want to anxious feel at the stupid fibroids every week wondering if they're bigger or not.
So that's the physical. Now I'm pissed off that our finances have gone so far off kilter it's terrifying. We owe $50k in tax debt and it isn't finished calculating yet. I wrote down all our debts against the house evaluation and if we sold out we'd still owe that 50k and we don't have recourse to borrow it either. It is not possible at this time to see how to escape this except to go illegal, and if we still owe the govt. we can't cross any borders so we have to live in canada winter and summer. While trying to earn income wthout accruing more tax debt but still have enough over from living expenses to put against the remaining debt. It's enough to make anyone cry, isn't it?
No, bankruptcy isn't an answer. We have around 25k of it in unsecured debt. So we'd mess up a credit score and have no relief or solution from it.
I went to see a credit counsellor, we're going to try and figure out how much it costs to live and if there's something left over and how to portion it out to those who demand. I haven't got the mental fitness to do my home work right now, though. It seems too heavy. I have to figure it out myself, how much are we spending in a year on everything, from shoe laces to bill payments. I have to do this by going over our bank statements and trying to figure out what category everything is in. Or the grocery reciepts? I've done that before and it's more tedious and exhausting than calorie counting. I just get so angry trying to do it. I'd rather scrape and repaint a 200 year old house with a 30 year old lead paint job.
And nobody can do anything to help. I keep buying lottery tickets and praying. Then I get mad again. Why can't I have a normal life? Why do I have to keep coming up against this fucking God Money over and over? Why can't He just leave me alone? Why can't I just live quietly making things and people want them and I feel like I have a place in the world rather than feeling like the little kid on the edge of the bed who keeps falling off when the rest roll over?
I'd feel a little better if I could at least start moving rocks outside but not yet. I'm still tired. Still cold sensitive. And there's still too much ice and snow out there. But it's getting close. Maybe next week I can do some? Everything is so frightening. It's scary knowing how painful the work on the bus will be, physically. Grinders, wrenching, steel brushes, spraying paint, it's going to be physically brutal. It's scary not knowing what the CRA will do to us over the debt. They want their money in two weeks or a payment plan. I can't even figure it out in 2 wks and I already know they just say 'it's your fault you didn't put that money aside for us, it's our money, we don't want to hear excuses, pay us or else." They may start out saying it nicely, but that's their bottom line and their only answer in the end. And not talking to them, that's just as bad. Whether I call them and go through the stress and dismay of trying to talk to them and answer their questions without either lying or making extravagant promises I can't keep, or wait to see what they do to me, either one will not resolve anything. I wish I could write them a letter. Maybe I can. I should try.
Oh part of this is just the nerve damage. I'm being bogged down energy-wise. My brain isn't firing on all cylinders, and my nerves are full of static. That too pisses me off.
I'm mad about the colostomy. I'm mad about regaining all that weight. I'm mad I still have these goddamn breasts and probably can't get them taken off and they're so annoying.
Annoying, you ask? Ok, so they're hot, always hot. They're obscene. You know they are. I can't just post a picture of them no matter how well formed they may be. They could be the prettiest tits god ever dropped on a chest (they aren't) and they'd still be classed as obscene, right? Not posted on facebook. You don't get up and answer the door with them out. You don't stand in the window with them uncovered. But I sit topless all damn day or the hot flashes overwhelm me and make me feel sick and faint. Also they drench me with runnlets of sweat, make my clothes so wet you can wring them, soak through everything. My hair too. It gets smelly as sweat will do. So I sit here in a bikini top, constantly adjusting it because these stupid meat bags keep shifting and falling out. I want them OFF! I don't want to schedule mammograms every six months. I don't want to anxious feel at the stupid fibroids every week wondering if they're bigger or not.
So that's the physical. Now I'm pissed off that our finances have gone so far off kilter it's terrifying. We owe $50k in tax debt and it isn't finished calculating yet. I wrote down all our debts against the house evaluation and if we sold out we'd still owe that 50k and we don't have recourse to borrow it either. It is not possible at this time to see how to escape this except to go illegal, and if we still owe the govt. we can't cross any borders so we have to live in canada winter and summer. While trying to earn income wthout accruing more tax debt but still have enough over from living expenses to put against the remaining debt. It's enough to make anyone cry, isn't it?
No, bankruptcy isn't an answer. We have around 25k of it in unsecured debt. So we'd mess up a credit score and have no relief or solution from it.
I went to see a credit counsellor, we're going to try and figure out how much it costs to live and if there's something left over and how to portion it out to those who demand. I haven't got the mental fitness to do my home work right now, though. It seems too heavy. I have to figure it out myself, how much are we spending in a year on everything, from shoe laces to bill payments. I have to do this by going over our bank statements and trying to figure out what category everything is in. Or the grocery reciepts? I've done that before and it's more tedious and exhausting than calorie counting. I just get so angry trying to do it. I'd rather scrape and repaint a 200 year old house with a 30 year old lead paint job.
And nobody can do anything to help. I keep buying lottery tickets and praying. Then I get mad again. Why can't I have a normal life? Why do I have to keep coming up against this fucking God Money over and over? Why can't He just leave me alone? Why can't I just live quietly making things and people want them and I feel like I have a place in the world rather than feeling like the little kid on the edge of the bed who keeps falling off when the rest roll over?
I'd feel a little better if I could at least start moving rocks outside but not yet. I'm still tired. Still cold sensitive. And there's still too much ice and snow out there. But it's getting close. Maybe next week I can do some? Everything is so frightening. It's scary knowing how painful the work on the bus will be, physically. Grinders, wrenching, steel brushes, spraying paint, it's going to be physically brutal. It's scary not knowing what the CRA will do to us over the debt. They want their money in two weeks or a payment plan. I can't even figure it out in 2 wks and I already know they just say 'it's your fault you didn't put that money aside for us, it's our money, we don't want to hear excuses, pay us or else." They may start out saying it nicely, but that's their bottom line and their only answer in the end. And not talking to them, that's just as bad. Whether I call them and go through the stress and dismay of trying to talk to them and answer their questions without either lying or making extravagant promises I can't keep, or wait to see what they do to me, either one will not resolve anything. I wish I could write them a letter. Maybe I can. I should try.