End of January, good news mostly

I feel so solitary tonight. Like, I want to just talk about things but there's not really an outlet.

I went to the knitting group for the 3rd week. I was proud to show off my socks but they were ignored, except maybe for the dude who soon after went from sitting beside me to sitting across the room and table from me. Swiftly, much less. I found that move so pointed I just packed up and left. After all, I wanted to learn socks and I did. 

This has me having to think more deeply about my desire for community vs my nerves.

See, another thing I just figured out is what ails me. It's not CFS, or MS or another mysterious nervous system disorder. No, it's simple nervous exhaustion. I didn't realiize itcould manifest like this.With such a wide range of alarming symptoms.

So I am now adding nerve system rest to my lifestyle. One way is to lay quiet with ablindfold, possibly knitting, or with ambient or classical music playing and no ads. Another is to mask the city noises when out using headphones. Also if the weather suits, time spent sitting quietly in a spot sunny park. 

It helps, actually. I know, meditation, blah blah, that's finei for normal levels of tired, but this was on another level. Self-replicating tension, a body incapable of remembering how to relax. 

It's led to a form of slouching that, it turns out, is more crouch than slouch. It is as though I am both curling to protect myself and also poised to leap forward into a solution. 

I'ms uffering nerve failure in my arms from the hunching. Add that to the rest.

So Inthink.maybe when mynlife is more stable and perhaps I have access to regula social.groups, I can trybreintegrating then. For now, humans are too dangerous for my nervous system to.tolerate. It can't be helped..Anyway, I honestly do not think stuff like that will get me friends. I haven't a clue what will.

I did get good newses things. Disability approved, and came with asignificant raise of around 40%. then my cheap bus pass arrived, $45/year. So as of sunday I can explore the train routes and whatever else is on the transit system. These things are helping me to calm down too. As wee successes bring me forward I can calm a bit. 

But then a fell skoolie dweller burned up. I went and found where the guy had parked under the big bridge and discovered the bus gutted by fire,all his crap charcoaled inside. It was clearly a comflagration. I wondered if he was ok, and pictured him evacuating the puppies and dogs and cat. Turns out he was couch surfind with the pups and missed out on the experience. Just lost what he had left in the world that wasn't with him. Which is a fuck of a blow in itself. But the day after I just kind of had a nervous system failure. A waking sleep in which I was awake but had to lay still most of the day.At one point I rested enough to think it felt awfully like my spine and stuff were tired. I looked itup and la voila, there is indeed such a thing and it presents exactly as my health issues present.

I don't need meds (unless it's laudanum0, I don't need therapies. I won't necessarily get steadily worse. I can actively work towards healing with my own resources without waiting, and have. This is the very best sort of illness, don't you think? 

The world has been gradually increasing it's shock levels. Through every avenue possibly, a thousand shocks aday come pouring in. Take a person with cptsd and put that on them, yeah, it's maddening. 

I have moved on from thinking about my mother's death and anything related and infact, anything family except in so far as examing scars in my psyche. It's got to be put behind me.  

Like trying to socialize with mental health community, it's just not healthy for me.

I can't get over the red float house or the marina, emotionally. Against all possible resources I still feel like it's there for me. How? dunno. Just is.

the hollyburn lady hasn't gotten back to me. I'm just going to go ahead and assume the usual, I don't fit their parameters. For now I shall seek out the creditcounselling socity nd focus on getting freeof th edebt if I can. That lets time pass as well as opening options if successful. As much as I fear time's passage in terms of how long will they let us live here, it's also how I wait for miracles. To endure, that ismy skill there. I try not to think too much about myself.  

If i was living at the mmarina I could go with my kayak every few days and keep tthe groovy wee window clean for the spirit trail tunnel. I think about stuff like that.  

Or mking guard rails for deck out of lumber but constructed and painted to look like minecraft fences, and add minecraftian torches too. I can surely make those.I'm a talented boi and there will be space to set up my workshop.

So yeah, I continue to live half in dreams. I try and limit my exposure to world news. The USA ia hell scape of violence and terror right now and paying attention to i thurts me and helps nobody. 

Yeah, if prayers had power, this would be over now.

I went up cypress mountain the other day to exercise my car, something it needs routinely, and that was a blast of a ride and a cool view. Might do again. Maybe other places.  Free parking is getting hard to find.