The next 50 years

I'm beginning to get alarmed at my weight loss.  I wonder how light I actually am if you subtract the belly full.  My bones are beginning to pinch my skin where I sit or lean against things unless I add padding.  I chill and overheat really fast.  It's becoming something about which I'm reminded far too often.  Mostly I'm actually cheerful, singing little songs and joking, but then I go to the toilet. All strain, no gain, and I think about that colonoscopy.  SOP is a severe enema first.  But if the hole is shut, how that gets out? So one worry, they'll command me to solve the problem and come back when I'm empty.  I need the colonoscopy to clear the tubes but they won't do the colonoscopy without cleared tubes.  Catch 22? I don't know, and it scares me. How long do I have to keep trying to nutrition myself without adding more mass to my stomach, and how much more can it hold?  I'm distended as hell and the skinnier I get the more obvio...

I got the doctor to take my phone and take a pic for me. It's a gorgeous pic.  I don't know if you can get the full res but on my devices it's wonderfully detailed.  I was pleased with the fitness of my bones. I've worried about osteoporosis and now I can see I've worried well. On to why the pic.  Well we're getting onto my health now. Okay, nevermind the deets or how we got there, but I do not have an impaction, and probably only an obstruction right at the opening. But I absolutely must have a colonoscopy and that is also how they'll fix the obstruction.  that is a picture of a year's worth of backed up meals, more or less. I stood and took a good look at me in the tub and realized I have no waist purely because of the masses of swollen intestines. I"m skin and bones and going to have trouble not getting thinner over the next while. the swollen stomach disguises a lot of it. I have thinspo worthy thigh gap and chest ribs, sharp square should...

So I shall list here the gifts this year has given me. 1: I don't pee my pants anymore.  Controlling my bowel spasms has made my pelvic muscles strong again. When this is over I won't need pads and could go commando if I wished. 2: so much more compassion in me.  so much. it's immeasurable. 3: so much more sense of my own toughness.  I had no idea how much I could take even with how much I've already face in life.  I honestly think I'm in a small minority of people who wouldn't be dead by now. 4: Biofeed back relaxation training for both Dan and myself. Mostly me.  Every time I get a little bit above mellow my bowel wakes up because it still wants to poop, even if the door is locked.  So like a little red light with an alarm, i'd hop up at the first sign of stress or agitation and race to the toilet trying not to squirt out that foul shitty blood that has replaced any sign of proper crap. 5: got rid of a heavy friend who dragged me down more than lifti...

so I was in process of suicide, stove pipes open and all, when police came along to interfere.  I had to reassemble the pipes and they eventually broke in and pestered me for awhile.  Finaly we all got fed up and they gave me a worthless website link and left. They were nice, worried, and exasperated. Four large men in black about gave Timmy a heart attack. that night, impressed by the scene I'd been in, I broke down and told Dan what he'd been missing while punishing me with neglect for being mad at him.  He took me into ER that night and we wasted all night to get trivialized and sent home with laxatives. This time, two days later, we've got all my symptoms and everything I've tried printed on paper and we're going to push for surgery asap. I'm so weak anymore.  My heart races from something as simple as going downstairs to the bathroom and back.  I can't even squeeze off a plop for the pain in my butt and there's abdomen pains now. My suicide note...

when i got hit on my bike, he ignored me for four days and then scolded me for it and refused to help fix it.  it still isn't getting fixed.  he acts like they're precious treasures I'm ruining that must now be preserved from further damage by sitting in the garage forever. He talks down to me whenever he can.  He complains that I don't "listen" (obey) to him and I always argue.  I only argue when he draws me into it and it always starts with me thinking I can fill in some holes in his obviously flawed views.  Like how he thinks the USA is herding people into work camps and building gas chambers for them and intends to kill all the citizens of the whole world except those who belong to his illuminati group (that he never names.) or he tells me about some outrageous application of law and I want him to see the other side of the problem. But he only does it to get me going, I know it but I'm gone by the time I see it happening.  I mean, he's a master ...

I called mobile crisis and she pissed me off royally trying to force me to cooperate with the agenda set out.  Basically, stop the initial crisis and pass the person off on another agency without ever accidentally giving a crumb of promise of anything. Nothing.  I took the number for the domestic abuse group but I really don't feel optimistic about them either. still, I keep wondering, if I call them, do they have any real concrete ideas how a middle aged handicapped woman with no support can get by without her husband.  I really believe they don't but I want them to prove me wrong. so tomorrow I'm more likely to spend it still in crisis, arguing with annoying strangers who try and force me to obey. She got to where she kept interrupting me to try and impress on me the urgency of going to the hospital right now.  Tried to get my address and come over to force me.  ignored my point that I need to want to live, saying "well that's your choice" and similar ph...

So he went to work again but I'm still not sure he'll work late because he wasn't supposed to work all 3 days so may come home pretty early. Tomorrow, if he leaves early, and if Goddess doesn't release us with a traffic accident on today's snowy roads, I will try and dislodge the stove pipe.  I keep picturing it and thinking I can do it.  Not till it's time and whether I find a reason to put it off or do it will I know if I can follow through.  I don't have a lot of confidence in myself. Still not eating.  Still suffering on the toilet.  hardly drinking, about a liter a day.  Tom never showed up even though that fucker hit the plus one on my suicide note on g+ yesterday.  Some fucking friend. I knew it was fucked when I asked him to take me to the store and he didn't want to carry my stuff for me.  The cashier looked straight at him and acted like it was assumed he'd be doing it and called him a "big strong fellow" which pissed off Tom wh...

I think I'm goint to do it. Not today because I need to start early in the day for maximum effect.  I have decided one morning when the asshole goes to work I'm going to take off the stove pipe, plug the chimney end, and lay down on the couch with Timmy for the final nap.  If it works, CO will kill me, timmy, sam, and the finches.  Not sure about toby but I can't help that.  He'll have to struggle along under Dan's neglectful care till the next bout of colic kills him.  But I really don't know a lot about carbon monoxide and how it fills a house.  It might make it down there to him too.  I do know dan's not capable of properly caring for any of us so leaving someone behind would not work for me. Sam's life sucks as bad as mine and Timmy would soon suffer and die in Dan's neglectful care.  Gone for long hours day in and day out is not how you care for others. We had another fight last night.  I was trying to show him how Government responds ...

So sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Going from back wrenching constipation to blood drenched diarrhea (finally I can spell that disgusting word) and from anemia to pain exhaustion.  Sit all day desperately trying to find something that will engage me bigger than the pain and maybe give me a sense of accomplishment or value.    Naturally the latter eludes me.  Even healthy it generally does. Worse yet, my constant scanning of social network news feeds for distraction exposes me to comments fields.  It's gotten steadily uglier out there.  There used to be one or two jerks per field, talking like fools or children, trying to aggravate others, or just plain so stupid you wonder what country they're really from? Somehow, though, they've increased exponentially.  They're extremely political too, and angry about anything.   the ugly is depressing.  I fight back now and then, but it's about like spitting on a forest fire.  I find ...

So I am shitting blood in huge amounts now.  It'll be a burst and a plop as if I landed a crap, but the toilet will look like carnage.  Is there solid in there?  Can't tell, blood isn't transparent enough.  Huge amount of blood.  Two flush level. Seriously, how am I supposed to not be terrified? But what do I do?  Nothing is all I can figure out, so nothing is all I do. Sit and write about it here, cry in terror for a few hours.

I have noticed that some foods provoke a light sense of nausea after eating, even just a little, but didn't really think a lot of it.  My habit for life has been to tell my stomach to calm down and eat what it gets.  I mean, I was really poor a long time.  I had to eat what I had, even if it was less than perfect, although I never ate food that was spoiled and generally tried to eat healthy choices.  All the same, sometimes you get food that's just not your culture or taste preference and you eat it because it's not about the meal, it's about the nutrition.  and the stomach maybe objected to too much grease or spice or something, and I tell it to shut up and digest. So I've just been seeing the nausea as one more affliction connected to the whole insane thing.  I have never considered myself allergic, I find it hard to believe I've suddenly become allergic.  Although, really, considering I've been on that goddamn ventolin until about last summer, that...

So three years ago, fighting obesity and tiredness, I changed my diet.  I went very pure.  Oh I had some things here and there I'd cheat with, but gradually as time passed these got purer and less frequent.  Two years into it I come down with allergies??????????  Allergic to WHAT?  I can't figure it out.  My detergent is for sensitive people because I have a sensitive skinned dog. My diet is so pure you could slap a nutrionist with it.  I cannot figure this out. I have a rash!  All over myself, even on my face, tiny little pink bumps with a pointy center, like some weird blackhead or zit, but tiny tiny. They itch. They're scattered like freckles, but not clustered too much.  I can't find anything like it except childhood chicken pox, and I had that.  Besides which, I'm isolated, where would I encounter it?  Shingles doesn't act that way from what I've read.  It affects you only on one localized spot. So? What the fuck? And ye...

I've been getting better.  Well till today.  I don't know what's going on right now.  But I was starting to poop more often and the pain level of doing so was down by half.  Now I'm not only again suffering on the toilet and muscles spasms off it, but I've got some weird rash!  It's not a rash in the sense of a group of things, but there's little random itchy bumps like tiny zits all over my legs, sparsely distributed, and my stomach!   I've been bleeding all along but now it's worse, and also my period came back.  Damn.  I wish I knew what to blame or how to keep it from happening again but I just am not organized enough to draw correlations that way. I also am having a terrible time with my body temperature.  It swings too far.  I go downstairs to use the cold bathroom, get extra chilled.  cover up, go straight to feverish!  Uncover, chill again.  I know you think half covering or whatever, but there is no medium state!...