The next 50 years

So I'm worried about my heart now.  I've been worried about it all winter, really. Whenever I get overtired or overworked, I get pain over it and shortness of breath. I wonder then, am I supposed to be calling 911 or not?  The websites say yes.  Experience says no.  What experience?  The experience of being patronized, minimized, then dismissed untreated, untested, unattended. But I've got the symptoms. neck pain. chest pain. Sore arm muscles, shortness of breath.  weakness.  I wouldn't say I'm dizzy but neither would I stand up quickly right now.  Denial is listed as a symptom, LOL. So I've told Dan he must ask them to test my heart too. I'm so very very at risk right now. He is just so hard to yank into reality, though.  Anything that makes him feel bad is waved off like bugs buzzing till it grabs him by the balls and won't let go. That level of neglect is not going to heal me.  He thinks it's a life strategy for happiness!  he ...

Wrote a bitter post on facebook about people who tell you they love you then neglect you even when the neglect has reached a point that it's actually killing you. All this last year I did try and tell people I was sick, but they acted like it was probably trivial and I was playing it up for attention. My entire life I've been assumed to be playing it up for attention, and therefor given absolutely none.  Apparently I'm not worthy of even that which I get by accident.  Well, you keep what you take care of. You lose what you don't.  That includes people. So who loves me?  Who's here helping me deal with houseplants that need care? Getting things going in the garden? Helping Dan with housework?  I need my sheets changed, but nobody will do that, so they stink.  I will just have to work up the energy myself, however long it takes, when I work up the courage.  Today I actually have been up all morning and even did the dishes.  I think the lack of ch...

Feeling dead already tonight.  Like it's already forgone.  Like no way they'll treat me well enough or soon enough.  Also, I remembered that after I lost enough weight to have no fat left I was checking for breast lumps. Did I find them, or is that the texture of the tissue? Not sure, but worried.  So I will go for a drop-in mammogram on Monday.  Add that to the oncologist's files and mine alike, especially if it shows lumps. I've stopped crapping again.  I'd crapped a bit every now and then since the colonoscopy but it only lasted 2 days.  Did the food I was eating arrive and plug me?  Do I truly have to eat strictly liquid? Maybe, but it's not sustaining me and I'm so hungry all the time.  I'm taking stool softeners again. Had another bad night with Dan.  He just won't take any responsibility for aggravating me and I had it out at him because it's so destructive to what's left of my health. That left me feeling exceedingly depressed ...

Just had the colonscopy.  Not only did she change absolutely nothing in there, but she found cancer, for sure.  Oncologist, at least a week to wait.  Another week of this horrible existence, and then how long till surgery?  Oh dear.  And chemo kills hair. Dammit, facebook sucks.  I got back on there and I'm not sorry for the connections, but it never shuts up.  You run away and you hear a "ting" from the phone saying someone's msg'd you. I had chat off, but somehow one chat gets in anyway. So I talked with her a bit, then asked her to just let it be a day.  I'm in so much pain now I really don't need to pay attention to other people. I'm pretty sure the pain is from the scope forcing it's way in. She said I was in too much discomfort to keep going, so I guess there's bruising and it sure feels like it. I'm hitting the hash pipe hard now.   Timmy is being extra needy. I understand. He's just a little being who feels the bad energy.  P...

Oh I'm hearing dire things about how my innards may be damaged and what they do to you when they are.  Entire bowels removed and replaced by external bags, for instance.  Ick. NO no no. I don't believe it! But getting my system moving and working again just might be a lot more work than I realize. I keep thinking if i start working on my abs and massaging, and eat the right things in the right proportions, I can heal it.But it doesn't sound like anyone in the world has a plan for that.  Doctors seem to tell you to go on permanent laxatives even though we know laxatives ruin the bowel's motility over time!  So what, you just give up on ever having natural motility again? that doesn't make sense to me.  So I have a lot of learning ahead of me.  I will have to study the problem from various angles and formulate a solution from scratch.  After all, I'm dealing with doctors who happily tell patience to suck on sugar water with a vitamin pill it, and neglect...

I really can't take stress like this.  Tom shows up on facebook again.  Starts with a casual friendly comment. Nothing comforting or kind or apologetic towards me, just not hostile. I respond to show I'm listening, but stay cold. He gets snippy. I complain back. he snipes harder.  I block him on facebook.  What else? A friend wouldn't treat a sick friend this way.  He just isn't hearing it.  he's treating me like a liar trying to get dramatic.  I'm treating him like someone who is being toxic when I am too weak to stand the poison. Speaking of toxic, next door has all these people helping her.  An army of men showed up and removed the ice in a trice.  Six men, five minutes with a scraper. They all wore safety vests and rode in a robust people carrier cargo van.  You know, she could have offered to help me access similar community support instead of trying to get me to volunteer to come over and ease her suffering.  Never even heard...

Nothing bigger than a grain of rice gets out.  Seriously.  Lots of everything they warn about for colon cancer. No reason to think it might not be. The doctors when I asked would hurriedly insist it couldn't be.  But how would anyone know?  Until the colonoscopy nobody but me really knows anything about what's going on.  I know I'm badly blocked and not by stool.  I know it's not stool because I did the colonoscopy purge stuff and that would have fixed me up if it was stool. So it's clearly a large polyp, aka cancer. This is hard to sit with.  I wonder, how much worse will it get while I keep waiting on the scope? March 22nd is still twenty days away.  That's a lot of time for cancer to grow strong and me to grow weak and I"m already plugging up again.  I can't make myself do that purge over and over.  I will have to for the scope, and I could understand steeling yourself every few months, but not weekly.  It was much too painful. ...