declining health and mood
I really can't take stress like this. Tom shows up on facebook again. Starts with a casual friendly comment. Nothing comforting or kind or apologetic towards me, just not hostile. I respond to show I'm listening, but stay cold. He gets snippy. I complain back. he snipes harder. I block him on facebook. What else? A friend wouldn't treat a sick friend this way. He just isn't hearing it. he's treating me like a liar trying to get dramatic. I'm treating him like someone who is being toxic when I am too weak to stand the poison.
Speaking of toxic, next door has all these people helping her. An army of men showed up and removed the ice in a trice. Six men, five minutes with a scraper. They all wore safety vests and rode in a robust people carrier cargo van. You know, she could have offered to help me access similar community support instead of trying to get me to volunteer to come over and ease her suffering. Never even heard me say how sick I am. Another one that just refuses to believe I could be that sick. I don't know why. I really don't.
So how sick am I? Well nothing larger than a grain of rice gets out and the grains number less than five per moment. Air, and it's painful to pass. Blown up like a macy's parade balloon. I eat when I can, suffer later when it doesn't go smoothly. I'm taking three kinds of softener, milk of magnesia, colace, and propolyne glycol. A week now and it isn't making things better. Two more weeks. I may have to go more liquid, and I get so damn hungry I just take a chance and eat something. Something like a small handful of grapes or a boiled egg or a small chunk of hard cheese. Like 2 oz of any given food at a time. Do this four to six times a day along with whatever juice or tea or water I take in, and by night fall I'm miserable. It's beginning to look like I have to resist solid food entirely awhile. I'm miserable at that. I just get so damn hungry.
I do not believe there is any other option besides making it through till the 22nd. 19 days now. I'm terrified of the purge at the end too. Oh it was not nice the last time. Bought me some time, though. But right now, it feels as bad as I ever remember it being before I cleared some out. Tight, sore spots all over, sicky, You know, like stomach flu, both like you want to vomit and crap your pants at the same time. I don't vomit easily so that hasn't happened, and the pants crapping has not happened in a long time now. Not even that is getting through now.
No, I can't take the stress of grief from people lost in their own needy state. Nope, I can't do it. Not much in it for me anyway. Some part of me suggests if I handled people better I could properly bend them to be useful to me, but I just don't have those skills or the motivation. I don't feel right trying to force people to do things. Even to ask is abhorrent, and I wait till I know I need the help.
To be then scorned as being too needy is outrageous, really. It's just too much to tolerate. I know the measure of my giving and my asking. I may not have kept a tally, but I know because there was a strong difference in the volume. So I just don't see myself getting any further benefit from Tom. I guess I'm supposed to adopt him for life even when he acts like an ungrateful teenager? Is that the price of friendship? A person well into middle age, yet. Somehow I have any responsibility for his state of mind or being? No. No thank you. I do not wish to accept that "honor." I have enough work managing my own. No help from you, btw.
Speaking of toxic, next door has all these people helping her. An army of men showed up and removed the ice in a trice. Six men, five minutes with a scraper. They all wore safety vests and rode in a robust people carrier cargo van. You know, she could have offered to help me access similar community support instead of trying to get me to volunteer to come over and ease her suffering. Never even heard me say how sick I am. Another one that just refuses to believe I could be that sick. I don't know why. I really don't.
So how sick am I? Well nothing larger than a grain of rice gets out and the grains number less than five per moment. Air, and it's painful to pass. Blown up like a macy's parade balloon. I eat when I can, suffer later when it doesn't go smoothly. I'm taking three kinds of softener, milk of magnesia, colace, and propolyne glycol. A week now and it isn't making things better. Two more weeks. I may have to go more liquid, and I get so damn hungry I just take a chance and eat something. Something like a small handful of grapes or a boiled egg or a small chunk of hard cheese. Like 2 oz of any given food at a time. Do this four to six times a day along with whatever juice or tea or water I take in, and by night fall I'm miserable. It's beginning to look like I have to resist solid food entirely awhile. I'm miserable at that. I just get so damn hungry.
I do not believe there is any other option besides making it through till the 22nd. 19 days now. I'm terrified of the purge at the end too. Oh it was not nice the last time. Bought me some time, though. But right now, it feels as bad as I ever remember it being before I cleared some out. Tight, sore spots all over, sicky, You know, like stomach flu, both like you want to vomit and crap your pants at the same time. I don't vomit easily so that hasn't happened, and the pants crapping has not happened in a long time now. Not even that is getting through now.
No, I can't take the stress of grief from people lost in their own needy state. Nope, I can't do it. Not much in it for me anyway. Some part of me suggests if I handled people better I could properly bend them to be useful to me, but I just don't have those skills or the motivation. I don't feel right trying to force people to do things. Even to ask is abhorrent, and I wait till I know I need the help.
To be then scorned as being too needy is outrageous, really. It's just too much to tolerate. I know the measure of my giving and my asking. I may not have kept a tally, but I know because there was a strong difference in the volume. So I just don't see myself getting any further benefit from Tom. I guess I'm supposed to adopt him for life even when he acts like an ungrateful teenager? Is that the price of friendship? A person well into middle age, yet. Somehow I have any responsibility for his state of mind or being? No. No thank you. I do not wish to accept that "honor." I have enough work managing my own. No help from you, btw.