not sure I'm not dying
Nothing bigger than a grain of rice gets out. Seriously. Lots of everything they warn about for colon cancer. No reason to think it might not be. The doctors when I asked would hurriedly insist it couldn't be. But how would anyone know? Until the colonoscopy nobody but me really knows anything about what's going on. I know I'm badly blocked and not by stool. I know it's not stool because I did the colonoscopy purge stuff and that would have fixed me up if it was stool. So it's clearly a large polyp, aka cancer.
This is hard to sit with. I wonder, how much worse will it get while I keep waiting on the scope? March 22nd is still twenty days away. That's a lot of time for cancer to grow strong and me to grow weak and I"m already plugging up again. I can't make myself do that purge over and over. I will have to for the scope, and I could understand steeling yourself every few months, but not weekly. It was much too painful. The body starts trying to force things long before everything has reached a liquid enough state, leaving me in dire screaming pain. Yes, screaming so loud it was clear upstairs. Embarassing...
So I think if it's cancer, I want to beg them to help me to do a ten day water fast, first, before going with any other treatment. But I can't do it by myself at home and Dan isn't competent to give me proper care either, I need support care of some kind, even if it's just a daily checkup from a nurse to monitor and reassure me, or maybe there's some kind of IV for minerals and vitamins, I don't know. I worry I won't be able to get any help. It's been pretty dismal so far. I wonder if I'll get so sick of cancer in the next three weeks, along with the last year of nonsense, that nothing can save me by the time they biopsy things. I was getting along with Dan. We were both chattering happily about bus life. Then this thing needs to be healed, or all is for naught. Dan, timmy, and Sam all lose out and I suffer a horrendously continuing painful death. Or is it going to be any more painful than it is? I'm already enduring that, I guess. If I just blink out one day would work but I have no idea how cancer actually kills you or what it's like going down.
And I"m not allowed to ask. Nobody is willing to have those conversations with me. They're all egyptions, living in a state of de Nile and I'm stuck trying to sort out the threads of my future.
I still just don't see myself dying. But I wonder, I asked hard enough, am I getting what I asked so often for? I always said, if i ever really want to live, that's when I'll die. Because God is a Bitch that way. But is that just my own desire to be important enough to be someone's victim?
To be or not to be. It is no question. Only a mystery on which one must wait.
This is hard to sit with. I wonder, how much worse will it get while I keep waiting on the scope? March 22nd is still twenty days away. That's a lot of time for cancer to grow strong and me to grow weak and I"m already plugging up again. I can't make myself do that purge over and over. I will have to for the scope, and I could understand steeling yourself every few months, but not weekly. It was much too painful. The body starts trying to force things long before everything has reached a liquid enough state, leaving me in dire screaming pain. Yes, screaming so loud it was clear upstairs. Embarassing...
So I think if it's cancer, I want to beg them to help me to do a ten day water fast, first, before going with any other treatment. But I can't do it by myself at home and Dan isn't competent to give me proper care either, I need support care of some kind, even if it's just a daily checkup from a nurse to monitor and reassure me, or maybe there's some kind of IV for minerals and vitamins, I don't know. I worry I won't be able to get any help. It's been pretty dismal so far. I wonder if I'll get so sick of cancer in the next three weeks, along with the last year of nonsense, that nothing can save me by the time they biopsy things. I was getting along with Dan. We were both chattering happily about bus life. Then this thing needs to be healed, or all is for naught. Dan, timmy, and Sam all lose out and I suffer a horrendously continuing painful death. Or is it going to be any more painful than it is? I'm already enduring that, I guess. If I just blink out one day would work but I have no idea how cancer actually kills you or what it's like going down.
And I"m not allowed to ask. Nobody is willing to have those conversations with me. They're all egyptions, living in a state of de Nile and I'm stuck trying to sort out the threads of my future.
I still just don't see myself dying. But I wonder, I asked hard enough, am I getting what I asked so often for? I always said, if i ever really want to live, that's when I'll die. Because God is a Bitch that way. But is that just my own desire to be important enough to be someone's victim?
To be or not to be. It is no question. Only a mystery on which one must wait.