The next 50 years

With the vlog, and being back on facebook, I use this a lot less.  But I'm growing tired of getting reactions.  When you want sympathy you get advice, and vice versa. I'm my own doctor.  See, I have read a million times how foolish that is. But nobody else knows my body better and nobody else has gone this journey with me. A doc who'd known me since childhood could vie for it, but that's it. Now ordinarily you'd not be your own doctor because you can't read the medspeak. You don't remember chemical and pharmaceutical names and the terminology is alien and the anatomy well out of your scope.  I did very well in biology.  I did a lot of secondary study on my own as well.  I learned a LOT.  Those "general biology" classes are stuffed with a lot of stuff, and when you are an avid reader plowing through entire encyclopedias and using journal libraries you get educated. I got far enough to understand what I'm reading.  I didn't get a formal educ...

Once again, when I really want to complain, I come here.  Nobody care to hear me complain so if I feel I have to, here's the place to go. I haven't been able to poop right for awhile now. July or august, I'm not sure. I don't keep track. I've been irrigating and failing and failing. I tried taking laxatives.  I had a whole week to stay home and deal with diarrhea. Nothing nothing then, on the day when I had an early appointment I couldn't cancel, it breaks.  Fills my damn bag three times including while in the car. You know, wearing the tight pants that being fat in winter necessitates.  I mean, how do you do layers for cold and keep the belly area loose enough? you can't.  So it did that, but did not clear up the blockage. I could tell I was still bloated and blocked and I still had hard painful areas when I massaged my colon. So i went back to irrigating. Tried doing it daily.  Nope. I get some out, but not all. Still got that block. Irrigating now fails...

I was watching a man talk about his childhood experience in a residential school.  He mentioned about his reaction to being sent back after trekking through the snow and ice to get home and report on the horrible conditions. As they always did in those days, they discounted his childish witness as excess imagination and childish fear.  They sent him back to suffer.  His response was to believe nobody would save him and nothing could be done but to try and die.  He says he started banging his head on the walls to try and die. He used to go outside and take off his coat and sit in the snow hoping to freeze to death. I used to do those things too.  For the same reasons.  From as far back as age 7 I've been suicidal.  I've felt that I am simply not equipped to face life.  Ironic that I've survived so much when I feel uncapable of meeting the demands of life.  I guess it's the demands of other people, not simply of being alive.  It's autumn...

When I feel suicidal, it's not about whether I deserve to live, or am worthy of life, or how important I am.  I already know that's all BS. We are all both important and unimportant depending on perspective, circumstances, and etc.  It's because life looks too difficult to me.  I feel like I can't do it. I don't like how it is and don't see myself able to change it.  Someone today said I need a vacation.  Well yeah, I've needed one a long time. I'm lucky if I get away once every ten years for a week.  I'm so incapable of so much the world requires and the things I am capable of do not profit me in the least.  I get suicidal because I just don't want to do it.  They say the suicide kills the world and the murderer kills himself. So true.  My anger at the world continues unabated.  I'm angry at being held to standards that seem not to apply to others. I'm angry at being shut out at every turn. I'm angry that when I reac out to ask for h...

I'm watching a video by a woman very much like me who came down with the same disease as me around the same time, and had the same initial treatments.  I sit here scarred and weaker but healthy and building back to fitness.  She is in palliative care and going down with little hope of future.  She's fifteen years my junior but looks older by that.  She won't see my age.  I am so astonished I can still dream of camping and travelling and biking and kayaking and so on.  I still can dream of working for income and living.  I am feeling so deeply moved by this.  And so much love and sorrow for those who aren't so blessed. I wonder, how much of this was my agency and could I teach the world?  I mean, there was some amazing nutrition involved and I know the medical system completely disregards nutrition these days.  They pay lip service to it using the same stupid home ec rules we learned from corporations in the fifties. But they don't actua...

It should not be necessary to like someone for you to get along with them well enough to be in community. For you to help them or be helped by them.  There are some very simple courtesies that allow you to interact with the least amount of irritation in spite of vastly differing opinions and view points. Firstly, you both agree on two solid points:  You will teach each other where your lines are drawn with calm and control. You will not step over a line you have learned exists and you will not feign ignorance of a line you've been taught.  To step over these lines utterly compromises the trust of a relationship that has nothing else on which to build.  We need each other.  Sometimes things go wrong in our lives and we need a community.   If we can't establish even basic trust with each other, how alone are we? I have a neighbor who has steadfastly rejected me in every possible way, not even deigning to a passing nod or acknowlege my existence.  ...

I saw the psychiatrist at the OUT center yesterday to get my dx of gender dysphoria.  I'm so relieved I don't have to repeat that nonsense every month for a year!  She said she'll give me my letter for the doctors and she also called me a jerk.  LOL I asked her to define that, she described all my manliest character traits, using derogatory adjectives.  Like arrogance instead of confidence, self important instead of self assured, that sort of thing.  I firmly believe that I'd come out as a strong confident man if people read me as male.  But they don't, they read me as female, because I have a very femme body. And because of that, my masc traits are condemned as the worst character traits for a woman. I tried to explain at one point how women are expected to work in service, that being a creator and a fixer and a maker is a manly thing, so she told me I have black and white ideas of the world.  No, I know better, silly woman, I'm telling you how the w...

I've been vlogging on youtube which severely reduces my need for this, but now that I've stopped going to facebook I've got all kinds of free time again! Well not all kinds.  It takes all morning to get the chores done.  I am also putting in an hour or better walking on the treadmill.  Activities this winter include playing minecraft, knitting, weaving, and struggling with guilt about everything and anything.  I'm still not happy about the colostomy and have contacted the surgeon to see if at the very least it can be slightly reconfigured so it works better.  It's got too many turns at the end and I get pain and it's almost impossible to irrigate.  Today I"ll be walking in the excess cold to pick up my winter bike.  I bought it in December but the lock I ordered wasn't ready till now.  I'm still married, still bickering. The bus is in the back yard, not being worked on for the winter.  It's just been too cold.  I could see using it in -...