no facebook means time for this
I've been vlogging on youtube which severely reduces my need for this, but now that I've stopped going to facebook I've got all kinds of free time again! Well not all kinds. It takes all morning to get the chores done. I am also putting in an hour or better walking on the treadmill. Activities this winter include playing minecraft, knitting, weaving, and struggling with guilt about everything and anything. I'm still not happy about the colostomy and have contacted the surgeon to see if at the very least it can be slightly reconfigured so it works better. It's got too many turns at the end and I get pain and it's almost impossible to irrigate. Today I"ll be walking in the excess cold to pick up my winter bike. I bought it in December but the lock I ordered wasn't ready till now.
I'm still married, still bickering. The bus is in the back yard, not being worked on for the winter. It's just been too cold. I could see using it in -10 but we've mostly been -30 this year. Today's high might see -15 if I"m lucky. Oh correction, I'm lucky, it's -13.6, so that'll help the walk to pick up my bike.
I quit facebook because I was getting scolded by too many people for my style of interaction. I was not expressing my opinion gently enough, or wasn't being agreeable enough, or wasn't being optimistic enough. Generally not "keeping sweet." So I thought about how much time it used up trying to make everyone I followed feel good and be likeable and how I was still failing. That as usual, the moment I relax and just "be myself" I start getting scolded for every aspect of my self expression.
Frankly I just don't like people. I don't like the topics they discuss. I don't like the views they hold. I don't like their priorities. I don't share their likes or dislikes. I don't find them entertaining. I don't feel empathy for their minor complaints. I never did. I've tried, lord knows, tried harder than most. Tried to care. Tried to express caring. Tried to connect. But in the end my point has been to have access to the resources which flow so freely among them. And failed. I can't do human. I don't know how and they aren't getting fooled into thinking I"m one of them. I'll always be some level of outcast I guess. Almost every hour of every day I wish in my head that I was someone else. Not anyone else, naturally, because there's plenty worse off, but I see so many on my tv screen on youtube that are doing so much better. I'm feeling pretty pessimistic about my own chances of ever being happy. I'm not even sure I can be happy anymore. I think I'd be discontented no matter what happened now. spoiled by too many years in the habit of being unhappy. I wish I could just step out of reality and stop having to keep warm and eat or want or wish for anything. I really hate life. Nobody wants to hear it. So I don't put that in my vlogs and when some escapes into the camera it falls on the editing room floor (metaphorically speaking, that is.)
I question everything these days. I question my own motivations and intentions. I question my behaviour towards everyone and everything, wondering if I'm too lazy, too demanding, too opinionated, too judgemental. I never can settle on an answer. When I really look at it honestly, I keep coming up roses, but when I look at the results it's like the shit that collects in my colostomy bag. So then I question my "look at it honestly" results. Maybe I'm delusional and have multiple personalities that are unaware of each others. One who is a scheming self serving bitch bent on making everyone else a little smaller to aggrandize herself, and one who is a mealy mouthed little wimp crying about how nobody loves her. Then there's the little Miss Morals trying to pretend she's in charge keeping everyone honest. That latter being the "me" I percieve. But then in the end, who gives a shit? People tell me they like me and smile and say nice things in person but nothing ever comes of it. They're all acquaintances and I don't know how to bridge the gap to friendship, to being around when the beer is flowing and the wings are on the bbq. To being around when the presents are being opened and the cakes are being cut. I just wish I had enough courage to kill myself properly. But all the truly lethal ideas, like stepping off a tall building, are terrifying. I just keep thinking about the outcome if it doesn't work. The broken bones, or the face half shot off, the brain damage, etc. From the frying pan to the fire as they say. Well now that I've thoroughly upset myself it's time to finish lunch, smoke my pipe, and read till I forget all this I just wrote down.
I'm still married, still bickering. The bus is in the back yard, not being worked on for the winter. It's just been too cold. I could see using it in -10 but we've mostly been -30 this year. Today's high might see -15 if I"m lucky. Oh correction, I'm lucky, it's -13.6, so that'll help the walk to pick up my bike.
I quit facebook because I was getting scolded by too many people for my style of interaction. I was not expressing my opinion gently enough, or wasn't being agreeable enough, or wasn't being optimistic enough. Generally not "keeping sweet." So I thought about how much time it used up trying to make everyone I followed feel good and be likeable and how I was still failing. That as usual, the moment I relax and just "be myself" I start getting scolded for every aspect of my self expression.
Frankly I just don't like people. I don't like the topics they discuss. I don't like the views they hold. I don't like their priorities. I don't share their likes or dislikes. I don't find them entertaining. I don't feel empathy for their minor complaints. I never did. I've tried, lord knows, tried harder than most. Tried to care. Tried to express caring. Tried to connect. But in the end my point has been to have access to the resources which flow so freely among them. And failed. I can't do human. I don't know how and they aren't getting fooled into thinking I"m one of them. I'll always be some level of outcast I guess. Almost every hour of every day I wish in my head that I was someone else. Not anyone else, naturally, because there's plenty worse off, but I see so many on my tv screen on youtube that are doing so much better. I'm feeling pretty pessimistic about my own chances of ever being happy. I'm not even sure I can be happy anymore. I think I'd be discontented no matter what happened now. spoiled by too many years in the habit of being unhappy. I wish I could just step out of reality and stop having to keep warm and eat or want or wish for anything. I really hate life. Nobody wants to hear it. So I don't put that in my vlogs and when some escapes into the camera it falls on the editing room floor (metaphorically speaking, that is.)
I question everything these days. I question my own motivations and intentions. I question my behaviour towards everyone and everything, wondering if I'm too lazy, too demanding, too opinionated, too judgemental. I never can settle on an answer. When I really look at it honestly, I keep coming up roses, but when I look at the results it's like the shit that collects in my colostomy bag. So then I question my "look at it honestly" results. Maybe I'm delusional and have multiple personalities that are unaware of each others. One who is a scheming self serving bitch bent on making everyone else a little smaller to aggrandize herself, and one who is a mealy mouthed little wimp crying about how nobody loves her. Then there's the little Miss Morals trying to pretend she's in charge keeping everyone honest. That latter being the "me" I percieve. But then in the end, who gives a shit? People tell me they like me and smile and say nice things in person but nothing ever comes of it. They're all acquaintances and I don't know how to bridge the gap to friendship, to being around when the beer is flowing and the wings are on the bbq. To being around when the presents are being opened and the cakes are being cut. I just wish I had enough courage to kill myself properly. But all the truly lethal ideas, like stepping off a tall building, are terrifying. I just keep thinking about the outcome if it doesn't work. The broken bones, or the face half shot off, the brain damage, etc. From the frying pan to the fire as they say. Well now that I've thoroughly upset myself it's time to finish lunch, smoke my pipe, and read till I forget all this I just wrote down.