The next 50 years

I emailled the intake worker in frustration and got back a brief missive with good news.  I still don't know my budget, but there's more money coming and I have passed approval. I'm now officially disabled.  I still don't know to whom I ask questions or what that allows me, and I deeply need a plumber. See, one of the reasons I go sideways so easily is that I'm struggling with bad plumbing.  It started with that damn electric water heater.  Could be Dan didn't install it right?  I don't know.  I wasn't involved. But it never could reliably supply hot water enough for anything. So I've been boiling kettles in the kitchen and taking them downstairs to draw a bath. Frustrating, but I accepted it and made light of it. "good exercise."   Then the kitchen drain started leaking at the vent.  not a repair I can do myself, because it requires putting in a new fitting on the stack. I removed the P trap and put in a bucket. Week later, the tap wouldn...

on the one hand, seeing funds drop in my account was a relief, I got my disbursment. But then I realized it was less than a thousand dollars for the whole month. That won't even cover fixed expenses for housing and utilities.  Nothing for internet, debt payments, odds and ends or, gasp, food or fuel or anything like that.  But hey, who needs that?  So I'm freaking out wondering how long this lasts? What do they expect me to do?  I wrote the intake worker but I know it's just whining.  I just can't let her not know what they're doing to me. I'm freaking out wondering how long till I am thrown out on the street and can I stop it? Can I at least escape experiencing it somehow? It's cold enough to kill me if I can find the will power to lay down in the snow. But that's not fair to the dogs, so I can't do that to them. I just don't want to deal with all the nasty people who are going to play in my metaphoric blood and macrame with my metaphoric guts w...

titles.  who knows, right?  It asks for it first before I've written so how do i summarize what isn't there? I'm just feeling so incredibly miserable right now. My water heater.  oh my god.  I think Dan must have screwed up the install.  It has never worked right. Never. Sometimes, like a bully, it grants me a tubful of hot water. Very hot. So you have to cool it down. and don't overdo it because there won't be any hot water to top up.  I boil the kettle for dishes and up until november when my kitchen sink died, I hauled boiling water by the kettle to fill the tub for baths. Now I can't even do that.  I got a bath a few weeks ago, by accident it seems. I had the hot tap on hoping it would tone down the cold enough to let me rinse a handwash laundry job and it came out hot.  If your hands are in the water, it'll come out searing hot. It often then switches back to icey cold within two minutes. Well today we were playing that fucking game again. I ...

Ok, spoiler, it's short and has a happy ending. She was young, very young. Just 17 going on almost 18 with waist long hair behind her healthy teenaged curves.  She had a dancer's body but a bicyclist's ass and legs and not even her baggy clothes could hide her form.  She stood there with her thumb out on the highway, pointing westerly, a bag over her shoulder, dirty face suggesting many days on the road.   "This is interesting," thought the driver of the pickup truck. He had two buddies in the front and three hitchers in the back so he slowed down and they made room for her in front.   They picked up another hitcher, but piled out of the truck and stood talking while all the hikers waited.  Five men in the back, and the girl up front.  Returning, they address the group, and the girl in turn, explaining they've decided they're just too tired to keep going today. They're going to drop everyone back off one at a time in reverse order and then go get ...

I just realized, everyone I've written off over the last three or so years knew me as a pretty female.  People are insincere with pretty women, did you know that?  They're friendly because they hope she'll sleep with them. Or because they have to be due to a commerce relationship. But nobody respects pretty women generally, because we've been taught they can and do get by on looks alone.  It's patently untrue, but it's not untrue that pretty women get an easier ride in general. Not just doors opening, but general co-operativity that just dies in middle age.  Suddenly she's dumped into the normal world of surly, busy people who DGAF about her day.  if she's not spent that time working on alternatives to being decorative, she's going to the plastic surgeon.  Most do want to be more thana decoration. They're real people who want to contribute and matter just as much as the rest.  Well anyway, it's interesting that there's all these insincere...

I never got the point of talking it out.  It didn't make me feel better.  It made me feel worse.  People would say "talk about it, it'll make you feel better."  But it didn't, it just put things fresh in mind, triggered more emotion, and made me feel even smaller and more pathetic. Until the last time. I get it now. I was never listened to. I was never heard. The two and half hour interview was more than a dry recounting of my life and my challenges as I see it. She heard me. She didn't try to lighten the mood, calm me down, explain things away, make excuses for the people in my stories, demonstrate how maybe I was overreacting, try to show me how to stop feeling bad about it or otherwise minimize, dismiss, or ignore my story.  She didn't patheticize me even while pointing out challenges I didn't realize weren't normal, or didn't even notice. She didn't try to console me but gave me space to calm myself.  At no point did she complain that i...

See, the thing I've noticed is nobody can seem to handle hearing my history. Because they cut it short, they don't grasp the depth of trauma in it. So they dismiss too much of my feelings and challenges. that's in addition to not understanding the literalness of the autistic brain. I recently had a disability assessment and it was the most heard I've ever felt. She actually understood  how the different things connected in a way I didn't. She recorded challenges I didn't realize I was facing. She never cut me short or rushed me or glossed over something or turned it into a pity noise making session. To be fair, I explicitly asked her to tone down the sympathy.  At my level of trauma it just feels like pity, like I'm utterly pathetic. And that's not a forward thinking confident image, you know? These are my memories. This is my life. This is what I deal with. Just having an absolute shit day. I finally accepted that someone I *thought* was a friend was re...

I mean, the only interactions I have with anyone are commercial.  Store keepers and clerks. Really. People selling something.  So it isn't shocking that those relationships are entirely dependant on my having money to spend. But it still hurts to realize it when the person has been oh so nice for so long. the place where I get poultry and eggs.  They're so friendly, they were always so nice and accommodating.  I was getting into long DM conversations with the business owner, feeling like I had a friendship. I really felt a connection. Felt like I had a friend. Then I started feeling less confident about telling her my problems and instead tried to get her talking about hers. She did, a little. But I was really starting to feel the cool off. I chalked it up to her stress and backed off.  Over time it got colder and colder.  Meantime my budget had gotten tighter and my spending in her store had radically slowed down. From spending up to 500 a month I was spen...

Naturally, now that I'm single, I keep wondering if I can love again. Well that's complicated. I mean, I'm old, neck waddles and all, who'd find this sexy? Then the handicaps, who'd want to get intimate with an old person with a colostomy? Then I'm trans, now I need someone who has the right attitude, interest and genitals for my peculiar self. Lastly, they'd have to be non egotists because of the autism and how hard I am on egos. So no, it's not likely. But I'm such a naturally affectionate person.  It's not the sexual issues so much as the affection. Dan wouldn't accept affection.  There's just the dogs. And humans aren't built like that, it's not healthy. We crave affection from each other if we're not all screwed up. But here I am. Old, ugly, weird and alone. Well the disability assessment appointment was yesterday. We took 2.5 hours and she was really nice.  Now of course I realize that the people who use her interview in...