just more whining

titles.  who knows, right?  It asks for it first before I've written so how do i summarize what isn't there?

I'm just feeling so incredibly miserable right now. My water heater.  oh my god.  I think Dan must have screwed up the install.  It has never worked right. Never. Sometimes, like a bully, it grants me a tubful of hot water. Very hot. So you have to cool it down. and don't overdo it because there won't be any hot water to top up. 

I boil the kettle for dishes and up until november when my kitchen sink died, I hauled boiling water by the kettle to fill the tub for baths.

Now I can't even do that.  I got a bath a few weeks ago, by accident it seems. I had the hot tap on hoping it would tone down the cold enough to let me rinse a handwash laundry job and it came out hot.  If your hands are in the water, it'll come out searing hot. It often then switches back to icey cold within two minutes.

Well today we were playing that fucking game again. I was trying to find a sweet spot in the tap which might give me hot water. I got it, set the tub, went away hoping in two hours there might be a bath drawn. Yes, two hours, that junk slows the water to a trickle. Well it switched to lukewarm and I came back and started over, getting more and more angry.  Until I just saw hate and fury and took a hammer to the lid of the water heater. I meant to give it enough dents to truly wear my fury with shame. but it knocked the control panel off. Which feels damn good.  I cut off it's breaker and left it like that.   It's worse when it's teasing me, now it's officially broken.

So I have no kitchen drain or tap. No hot water. Lovely.

Nobody is going to help with that.

I can't find $$ to fix it, I'm already a hundred grand in debt and it's growing still.

I wouldn't mind except I really am not dead and can't pretend to be dead nor can I unalive myself.  I have tried hard enough to say it isn't going to happen. 

All the good people seem to think I don't deserve to exist, the bullies see me as ripe for the picking.  I don't WANT to exist, but here I am.  Work, shame, work, shame, insomnia all night, shame all day, no pleasure, no point, no sense of value or direction, no sign anything will get better, lots of signs it could get worse.

Why would anyone want to live this life? But I don't see all those nasty folks resenting me for existing doing anything to put me out of my misery. They won't help me with my basic needs so I can be less miserable either.

Selfish world. 

I wish I could crime my way into a solution. But I alas, I am no criminal. That's what really pisses me off.  I'm one of the most honest people I've ever met.  Never hurt anyone on purpose or physically at all.  Never done harm to anyone.  Worked my whole life to be kind and generous and take the high road and sacrifice for others.  What do Ihave to show for this?  Nothing. Misery and shame and debt and years yet to live and I can't even get a damn hot shower.

THIS is why I smoke so much weed. 

Yes, iknow I can't afford it. Can't afford to exist, remember? Can't die, can't live, can't thrive, can't nothing.   So burn it all down because it's all irrelevant and if I do wind up homeless I'll have been good and stoned on the way down.  It's all I have, weed. I can't use food for pleasure or release, it makes me fat and sick. booze makes me barf instantly. People shun me. I'm too feeble to use exercise and sport for fun. Everything else is behind a paywall greater than weed.

I really do hate being alive.