classic foolish thinking

Naturally, now that I'm single, I keep wondering if I can love again.
Well that's complicated.
I mean, I'm old, neck waddles and all, who'd find this sexy? Then the handicaps, who'd want to get intimate with an old person with a colostomy? Then I'm trans, now I need someone who has the right attitude, interest and genitals for my peculiar self.
Lastly, they'd have to be non egotists because of the autism and how hard I am on egos.
So no, it's not likely.
But I'm such a naturally affectionate person.  It's not the sexual issues so much as the affection. Dan wouldn't accept affection.  There's just the dogs. And humans aren't built like that, it's not healthy. We crave affection from each other if we're not all screwed up.
But here I am. Old, ugly, weird and alone.
Well the disability assessment appointment was yesterday. We took 2.5 hours and she was really nice.  Now of course I realize that the people who use her interview info aren't nice and I'm probably going to be punished for something.  Like "oh, you said you don't have a problem with stairs so that means you don't meet our metrics for disability. bye!" Because I'm no fool in that regard. you hire a nice person to get the info. You hire assholes to make the decisions. It's cost effective.
Elise was over.  I still don't trust her, and I can't figure out if that's because I don't trust HER, or because I don't trust her roommate.  I presumed that the roommate had ditched her by now but in fact they're cohabitating but no longer lovers. So I guess Elise is more loyal than that. which is why Iworry about what her roomie is up to. Like maybe Elise was just here to gather intel for roomie, who is a narc, to what degree she shits on others I can't say.  Just because someone is a narcissist, does that mean they necessarily abuse others?  Can't a narc be woke enough to recognize their wrong thinking and try to mediate it for the comfort of others?  I like to think they can.  But of course, the likelihood they're holding court and holding people down is high. So I worry about the roomie making Elise come over, rather than Elise actually enjoying it here, although she says so.
But see, she always gets steadily more agitated and kind of aggressive around the edges when she visits, which suggests she isn't enjoying it. 
Why must trying to have friends be so damned complicated?

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