trouble with getting counselling

See, the thing I've noticed is nobody can seem to handle hearing my history. Because they cut it short, they don't grasp the depth of trauma in it. So they dismiss too much of my feelings and challenges. that's in addition to not understanding the literalness of the autistic brain.
I recently had a disability assessment and it was the most heard I've ever felt. She actually understood  how the different things connected in a way I didn't. She recorded challenges I didn't realize I was facing. She never cut me short or rushed me or glossed over something or turned it into a pity noise making session. To be fair, I explicitly asked her to tone down the sympathy.  At my level of trauma it just feels like pity, like I'm utterly pathetic. And that's not a forward thinking confident image, you know? These are my memories. This is my life. This is what I deal with.
Just having an absolute shit day. I finally accepted that someone I *thought* was a friend was really just another commercial contact. Like parasocial, only they flatter you and stuff until the wallet runs dry. Then they don't want to hear shit from you. And naive old me felt like they were friends.  Yet again. It's not the first time. I mean, almost the only people I ever speak to are shop keepers. It's been this way forever.  It feels so shameful.
no more small talk over the counter, no more small stores, no more thinking that nice = friendly. The world doesn't care if I understand, it just hates me. simple, shallow, one dimensional.  I used to try and understand and the horrible things people said about me were worse than my imagination. 
If I'm that person, someone should save the world and put a bullet in my brain.
I don't know how I could be and yet still agonize over the subject. The two conditions aren't found together. Sociopaths don't care. I'm suicidal over it. Sociopaths don't have a problem figuring out how to sweeten people. I can't help souring them.
As of now, there's nobody in my world who feels safe. 
I don't even know what the heck it should look like anymore. Especially at my age. Kids are affectionate. Seniors are a ball of history.
Well so looking forward, I would love to turn the bus into a van, and plan to try and make that happen by august.  Meantime I want to try and get some weekend camping in.  On the weekdays probably, it's cheaper.  I also find myself getting the urge to get a rabbit, or a fish, or a canary, at various times, and resolving that these pets would block my camping options. and then I go through it all over again. LOL 
Frankly, it would just be another creature crying for more attention from me and I don't give the two I have as much as they want.  I just miss the whole fishy inner world fantasy. I'd buy a robot fish in mineral oil, happily.  Little plastic plants waving in the bubbles. Maybe a water puddle under the oil like a lagoon with palm trees, just to be cute.  They don't make proper robot fish yet. Just those strings that jerk around randomly and whip a plastic fish around.
The bird is harder, because I miss the activity and the singing. It's  really ASMR to hear it scratching, ruffling, preening, beak purring, eating, and singing. I even speak canary, actually, so there's that. But in fact I know I can't give it enough attention right now, and it can't cross the US border. But the dogs probably can't either because a vet letter explaining why they're not vaccinated isn't a substitute for it and yet they really can't be vaccinated for having allergic reactions. so if Ihad a van, a canary isn't a big deal on account of he can travel all of canada same as us if the van is kept warm enough. FYI, he can handle down to 10C comfortably and -10 if he's out of all drafts with something to lean into. But that's not something I ever asked, the worst was 15C bedroom in a badly heated house. I draped his cage with sheers. I'm pretty sure I still own the whole cage and stand that I used, somewhere in the garage.  I know I do have a stand, if not the original and likewise a cage, if not the original, so really, all I need is the bird and the food.  But I can't take him in the teardrop and car, that's too cramped. it's just too much to worry about then. I did that with the parrot and some mornings were awful cold and he shivered.  He enjoyed the travelling though.
So glad I sold him.  He's why I've been getting snow shovelling, although she took the last while off, and I'm left to wonder if she's quit now. I don't have the courage to msg and ask.
Well that cursed bird killed her marriage, or maybe it was dying already, but he came along and they got divorced.  He came into my marriage and I got divorced.  I think the pressure he put on the household added to the problems significantly. 
Parrots do not belong in homes. They belong in zoos if they can't be in the jungle.

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