The next 50 years

I really want to talk about the changes I've noticed with someone but nobody wants to hear about it.  I've been on testosterone since november now, that's about four months.  I don't percieve a vocal change, though I often have a huskier voice than I expect. Mind you I often go days without talking above a murmur, talking to myself, except a word here or there in response to Dan. Anyway, I don't see it changing yet.  However, there's one weird change.  I smell different.  It's logical but surprising.  I don't smell different in my sweat, but my crotch!  My vagina was left behind after all the surgery and I guess it can still ooze lube or whatever.  It had dried out before the surgery due to the cancer killing the ovaries.  With the testosterone it started up again and I have been getting that "snail trail" effect intermittently. Some days my underwear stays damp.  Gross but natural and nothing to be done. Well it doens't smell like mushr...

he highlights my faults and dismisses his own. He highlights his virtues and dismisses mine. All to make me seem like the abuser.  he keeps me on edge and agitated all the time, putting me at my worst. Being tense causes me to be less fun and more grouchy.  It makes me clumsier and less careful and less attentive to detail. it makes me "lazy" because I'm frequently disabled by stress.  it has multiple outcomes that feed cyclicly into the stress pattern. Like how being stressed stops me from irrigating which bungs me up and causes me to feel ill. This also causes me worry.  Stress on it's own does health damage.  Even my dreams are becoming poisoned by this insane dynamic. All my positives are treated like exceptions and all his faults are treated like exceptions. Neither are balanced, it's good vs bad.  My complaints are then dismissed as fallacious and my feelings are dismissed as my bad choices. I choose to feel angry. I choose to feel abused. I choose t...

For thirty or so years I tried to earn income by finding work. By giving away my work. By getting institutional help to find work. I've tried contract work, black market work.  I've tried websites that sell your hand work,.  I've tried putting my pics on knick knacks to sell. I've tried selling my hand work on the street.  I am even now turning to fundraising. I've harvested a lot of bad advice so far. I really don't get it.  Why is it so damn hard for me to earn any money? it kind of lends creedence to my growing suspicion that money is a supernatural deity with a conscious awareness of me.  That I am being shut out by same because I so virulently speak out against it. But nobody ever hears me so... ~sigh~ My doggy needs his teeth done. He's on pain killers now. I can't even pay the fucking bills on time. it couldn't possibly be the worst time of year for it, but come on, I can only earn money for physical labour jobs intended for kids and I'm ...