The next 50 years

It's a hot one today.  I keep thinking I should make myself go to the park and try to sell models.  I have to wait for this one print to finish in any case but I don't want to go, so that makes it hard.  I'm thinking of better things to do at home instead.  However, truth be, it'll never get better till I start doing it and if it works for me.  I get so anxious thinking about it!  I guess I'll go feed myself something or see how that print is going.  I have literally nothing to do at home.  Nothing of use anyway.  I could make work for myself, naturally, but for things on the slate this day is either empty or it's my mind.  I think I may need to start running to do lists again.  my memory is just freakin' blank most of the time now.  Seriously, can't remember much at all! I've spent the morning looking around at printable objects on thingiverse, adding to the collections for cute models to paint.  I'm currently printing a...

I can say I have neglected my meditation intention.  There's just so little around me to trigger it, and I see that.  I'm watching a guy do the daily chores on his gravel garden.  He explained that it's a form of meditation in which you focus only on the moment used in cleaning the garden.  I get that, and that's something I could do with the dishes perhaps. Actually, that's exactly my problem.  The mundane moments of the day just don't require my mind that much and it hates to idle.  I get the idea that idling it is what I'm supposed to do but the very idea leaves me feeling anxious. Why does the idea of being without thought frighten me?  I think it's impossible.  I find when I am without something specivid to think about, my brain starts triggering.  I mean, like, I'll wash a dish, and it will remind me of something from the past which then reminds me of a past hurt.  See, I just pictured washing a spoon and it took me back to somet...

I don't know when I quit following her, or if I did.  Most certainly do no remember why, although I think she did a run of just alcoholic posts, no doggy in the mix.  She posted her dog mostly, and I was following and it was almost like a friendship, but then nothing.  Now I can't see any of her posts or follow, like she's blocked me.  But I don't know why.  It has me feeling small and unwelcome again.  I have tried so hard to bite my tongue, figuratively speaking, and just post supportive comments and I hit that fucking like button on almost every post.  If I'm following them and the post isn't offensive, I hit the like button. So why am I still getting blocked? Yeah, like asking whether there's extra-terrestrial life and if so, why don't they like us?  It really sucks being the most hateable person in existence, it really does.  I try my hardest to be what everyone demands and get shit for being fake.  I try to be my most authentic se...

I haven't memorized the numbers but for millenia humans have been practicing the art of "stretching food."  I was taught it by my mother.  You add grains to your food to make it go farther.  It's a way of feeding poor people.  That's what grains are, an invention supported by kings and bullies for the purpose of feeding the masses.  We should be feeding them to the meat animals and eating them, and turning it into fuel, oil, and assorted other non-food functions because it's not human food!  Instead we're forcing it onto our carnivore pets! But can the world live on a paleo diet?  They should, and would be far healthier if they did, and live longer, be less emotional, and smarter as a whole.  But can we produce enough freshies? I realize that for most people, bread is food and good food.  In fact, folks believe that there are nutritive qualities in grains that we can't do without.  I used to.  Now I see that's been artificially in...

I was thinking about how people would rather argue about global climate change than change their polluting habits.  How environmentalists then have to spend hours and hours lobbying the government with laws to force them to do what common sense would imply they should do.  Think about it, we're asking you to pollute less.  Why on earth would we even have to go further than that?  We're showing you how, and providing technology, and begging sideways and forwards for help and why would you sit and argue the need on something so apparent?  Less pollution is good.  More pollution is bad.  This simple truth was proven last century when bodies of water caught fire and the sun and stars were stolen from some skies by thick air.  Why must there be an endless parade of evidence continually displaying for people to see the plain sense in it? We hear people complaining so much about too much government and law.  Nobody seems to grasp that it's caused b...

So we're still waiting on the "huge" check dan worked so hard for.  The bunny needs to go to the doctor so that's why we never get the credit cards paid down.  We don't get them, or the taxes paid, so how will we ever pay down the big line of credit account on our mortgage?  Dan doesn't see it, but I do.  I don't think he does better on one big job.  He does, but he spends too much of his time on it.  He gets miserable.  I don't think he makes more money per day (nevermind per hour) on the big jobs.  Since the more big jobs he does, the harder it is to budget the household, I think it doesn't make more money.  I'm always struggling for simple things like a small vet bill, getting groceries, etc.  That isn't the same when he's doing multiple little jobs. Bunny goes in at 4 and maybe the cheque will be made out, if the boss comes in today.  I think he usually doesn't, and if he makes it out tomorrow, it'll be wednesday before Dan...

I used to think of my intellect as a resource.  Something to be of use to others.  As my primary gift, it was the thing I felt most inclined to share and for so long I've tried to share it, pretty much forcing it on the world.  Now I am coming to realize nobody gives a shit about facts, data, understanding, or insight.  They want their ego stroked, then go away.  That's all anyone wants, money or ego stroking.  I know, it's horribly cynical, and I hate that.  But I just can't find evidence otherwise anymore!  I'm resented for my efforts to be intelligent! I used to think it was valuable but the incredible increase in general stupidity and ignorance around me indicates that it is not. I really don't have anything to offer except as a silent grunt doing physical tasks a robot will eventually do. In return for this, I'm expected to patiently listen to incredibly stupid and wrong noise from other humans pretty much constantly.  It is too much t...

So fucking pointless this morning.  Woke up and thought about today's rather empty agenda.  Thought about the things I could put on it.  How little I want to deal with any of it, how pointless the day is.  I just want to go back to sleep. Doesn't help that  my back is spiking constantly.  Can't even sit in a chair without constant nagging sharp pain.  Just doesn't feel worth it today.  Soon's dan leaves I'm going back to bed.

It's a lovely day again, warm, sunny, and no wind.  I thought about spending some of it in the park with my boxes, or maybe biking up to get my goggles looked at by the optician, but shyness and the need for work on the pond won out.  I'll stay home, refresh the pond water and get the filter set up, and see if the spa is more fun on a warm day, if it gets warm enough. I'm feeling really flat lately.  The social anxiety is feeling oppressive.  Well, so is this neighborhood.  Every summer someone else has a dog howling it's sorrow all day in the  yard.  I've started a fire in the firebox just to burn up scraps and enjoy a blaze.  I've nothing to roast on it but I"m considering tossing some frozen chicken breast on it anyway.  but there's still a ton of meat from the smoker in the fridge.  So not likely to use it.

Ugh, why do I feel so crappy?  It's like my brain is full of sand.  I can't think worth crap.  All slowed down.  I woke up like this, and eating didn't fix it.  I sure wish I understood the cause.  It's awful, absolutely awful.  I just want to sleep and sleep. That armourer with the clunky goggles is due today.  I'm expecting yet more arguing when he gets here.  I swear if he tries to mash my face to fit his goggles one more time I will kick him out!  I just hope they're useable finally so we can get this over with. Damn my brain.  I wish so hard it was possible to figure out what's going on when I'm like this.  Heavy, tired, and sick. Well I'm out of the tassimo milk flavours so that might help.  I didn't have anything else all day that wasn't on the "clean" list for food.  Oh it's so hard to figure out anything in this state.  I just want to sleep!  Not that sleeping will help.

Oops, letting the blog down again, and for no reason except I forgot it existed!  We had nice weather on Monday and the food was bought sunday so I ran my smoker and the bbq.  Some turkey, some chicken, some smoked, some bbq, some finished in the bbq.  We're chowing down on it all week now, and that's with a couple of chickens in the freezer too.  Yeah, I smoked whole chickens and it worked well!  I did finish them off in the bbq because they just didn't feel cooked enough.  I've gotten quite good at this.  Turkey breast so soft and juicy a baby could chew it, or your oldest relative!  Chicken with a flavour both deep and sweet and salty.  next time I really need to play with spice heat. I spent money we didn't have from our credit card on the weekend.  The one we can't pay off, yeah.  $350 got us a cute little inflatable hot tub with built-in heater.  I'm not impressed with the temperature it reaches but it should be nicer wh...

I was just washing up with a wash cloth and waiting for the water to warm up when memory flooded back.  Dim dirty laundry room at the deep dirty laundry sink.  We didn't even try to clean in there, in fact.  I know, because cleaning was my job and I'd have been the one cleaning.  In 12 years there, I never once cleaned the area.  The floors and walls were rough painted concrete in that area.  The rest of the basement was finished, but not the laundry and furnace rooms.  In the laundry room we had the sink, an old fridge, bushels of apples from the farm down the road, and whatever storage, like dad's extra cases of beer.  Under the stairs was a link to the furnace room with the oil tank, furnace, and washer and dryer.  We folded in here. Both rooms had doors to the hallway, the one on the laundry room was half clear window.  The laundry room wasn't really used for laundry.  Washing large items and kids.   So in this dark cold ro...

2 cups a day of broth.  Broth is dilute 30%  from regular (two ice cubes of stock) and the morning one includes a whipped cooked egg. 4oz water kefir (will increase this ratio) 4oz apple juice (must dilute more) water to dilute above plus water whenever thirsty. 8oz green tea 10 oz coconut milk with floating coconut bits few small leaves off my kale plant That should not break the ketogenisis while ensuring needed nutrients like electrolytes, minerals, and vitamins still get delivered. I make my water kefir with just maple syrup so there's still not enough vitamin C in the diet (most folks have lemon in it) but vitamin C is an acid so finding it without getting acidic is challenging. However, I'm not breaking down sugars, but fats, and I believe the krebs citric acid cycle works only on the glucose and glycogen as delivered to cell mitochondria.  Taking out the fat to burn may not need it.  I should certainly investigate.

Boy oh boy don't I have energy?  I'm typing on my PC while the ipad updates and the keyboard is different.  Slows me down! So this morning I very slowly consumed another broth with egg and the kefir with apple juice mixed with water like last night.  My tummy started complaining so I slowed down a lot.  Let it have the nutritients nice and slow, and very dilute. I realized today why I know so much about refeeding.  Back in the bad old days of vintage literature, back when basic medical care was bloodletting, recovering from starvation was a common issue.  People frequently went off their feed for long times due to illness or lack of food, so it was pretty common to have to know how to feed after famine.  You just can't go shoving food into the belly! In my research I keep noticing people using fruit to break their fast.  Purely foolish!  No fiber, silly, none.  Just having to deal with the mild protiens, fats and sugars in your clear ...

I don't really want to go to whole food just yet but had some broth, broth with an egg whipped in and cooked, some green tea, and some of my kefir apple mix.  I just had a bit of an orange segment too.  So I am eating some whole, but keeping it light.  I'm not sure if going straight to meat and eggs in the morning is wise but maybe just some poached egg and an orange.  It's easier to eat light now, my body doesn't complain.  If I continue eating really light, not only will my food last longer but I'll still lose more weight.  I'm about 15lbs above my target weight, although modern medicine would tell me I need to lose 25 more pounds or more.  The BMI standards I always found to be far too low.  I was 139lbs and all muscle in Vancouver just from biking up and down the hills and eating lightly. Frankly I've been very hungry and down to one meal every 24 hours and significantly less than it takes to power the day, so it's not like I haven't had some...

My mood has finally lightened.  Dan assures me he started meditating and does understand the principle.  I haven't started eating but I'll take coconut water once a day to ensure I get my electrolytes and a bit of protien and sugar (yes there's all that in the stuff.)  That means I am much less at risk of death, but still able to slide on over there with a simple stop drinking if he's slacking. I wish I could trust him better, I'm getting genuinely hungry now. My energy is still very brief.  I can get up and do a few things, rest a bit, do a few things, but other than the base chores required I'm doing little else.  Watching video, mostly documentaries as that's my fave, but also some entertainment stuff on netflix.  I discovered Richard Hammond's documentary series on youtube and now I get why he's not reacting at all to the loss of Top Gear.  I'm sure he won't miss Jeremy's bullying all that much.  Poor James May is the one having to ...

Last night I finally told Dan I'd quit drinking water and he tried to force me to drink some.  So I walked out into the cold night.  Sat at a picnic table in the park for awhile wishing I could lay down, slowly getting cold.  I saw Dan across the street checking my car and realized I could get in there to sleep so I was angling my way to the shelter when he came back out to continue looking for me.  I ran away at first but I can't outrun Dan on a good day let alone as weak as I am these days.  So I complained about how he's telling me what to do again, never tries persuasion, always force.  He started persuading instead.  Back inside on the couch as he finally focused on me with an open ear (that's too rare) I started telling him things like I've typed in this blog.  I was angry toned and didn't pull any punches but unlike Dan, the things I say hurt because they're hurtful truths, not because I'm trying to figure out how to overpower him and shut ...

I just don't have much energy.  I get up and close the curtains or feed the dog or take him out, but the rest of the time mostly I just lay around feeling bad about my choices and coping with random hunger and thirst impulses.  The thirsty part is getting quite annoying really and I'm feeling really nauseous. I quit pooping by Saturday but now I'm getting gas, that's odd.  Oh man I feel nauseous, icky. 8pm and Dan's still at work.  See, if he'd only work normal hours he'd be at least slightly plugged in but then he'd just turn his back to me and stare at that fucking computer all night anyway. i've quit crying, too tired to work up any real emotion.  That's a blessing.  It's nice to be calm again.  I'm feeling scared a bit but I've been scared for so long it's normal.  Anxiety is a bitch.  Stress causes it and my husband is such a continous supply of stress that I can't escape! Oh and my sneezing and coughing are at an all...

Take for instance, the rabbit litter.  It used to be a litter and two cages. The cages would get very heavy and I'd struggle so he started helping. Eventually he just took over.  great, okay, I like help with the chores.  Then he'd fail to do it till I nagged him.  then it got to where if I didnt nag him it didnt' get done.  I quit nagging and just did it myself. So he'd catch me doing it an it's all "oh I'll do that, quit, what are you doing?"  so I'd let him do it and right away he'd slack off.  Or he'd do the job, but bitch about every part of it, make me come down repeatedly like some kind of supervisor.  Either I'm finding something or playing body guard to the rabbits because he's yelling at the poor little things.  He'll yell at an animal for what he thinks it might do.  I try and tell him better and he tells me I dont know anything. If I would force him to go out and do something fun with me he'd pitch a fit at the ...

I lived on welfare before Dan came along.  It's no incentive to live, trust me.  I've tried everything.  I've tried working and keep getting told I don't fit in and it's not going to work.  I've tried volunteering.  After all, who turns down free labour.  I get told I don't fit in and it's not going to work.  Even the abilities council gave up on me.  I'm too ADHD and too autistic.  It's not like I'm important.  I'm not.  Everyone who has the chance makes sure I know.  Somehow they all think I think too much of myself.  Unless I am down and reflecting what I've been told, then they tell me to think more of myself. When I'm trying to act like other people they tell me i"m too fake, to be myself.  They tell me not to try so hard.  So I go out and show myself, be myself.  They tell me I could try a little.  They tell me I'm too much. The message? Be a version of yourself that looks authentic but isn't yo...

8 am sunday and I wake up watching the nature channel.  I like that channel because it's always interesting enough to keep my mind distracted but quiet enough to sleep to. No jarring ads or sudden exciting volume.  I really feel tired today, sweaty, and my heart does it's pounding beat most of the time now.  I can really feel it. The bruises on my legs are fully bloomed and rather impressive.  It hurts less though, so that's nice. It's funny that mental anguish can actually be worse than going 3 days without food and I suspect that even thirst and the final heart attack will feel surprisingly gentle to me.  I am not in peace about dying.  I'm ripped apart.  I'm leaving my loved ones to suffer.  I hate that but I can't last long enough for them all to die naturally.  Things are just too far gone.  Dan hasn't seen me.  I keep thinking he'll come up and bug me and then he doesn't.  I've never known anyone more self centered and ...

How ironic is it the title of this blog?  Next fifty years, LOL. So I looked up how long people can go without food.  The amount of water being taken in seems to directly affect it more than I thought.  With lots of water, I could last 60 days before organ failure began.  usually heart attack.  Without water, though, it would be over by the weekend. Faster seems better.  It won't be as hard to keep my will up for a few days as for two months! Will Dan notice?  Of course not. I'll make him up a list of places to send the pets.  I feel terrible about doing this to them.  The rabbits will just get euthanized and that's a terrible thing with one of them being so old and holding on, only to be euthanized because his caretaker committed suicide.  Toby's 11 and counting but he won't see summer in Dan's hands.  Sam will probably be better off, it's been a lousy home for him in terms of enrichment.  He just hangs in that cage doing ...

I was watching a TV show and the characters turn off the lights before engaging in coitus.  That reminded me how Dan turned it into a battle when I wanted to turn off the light.  I had to justify it in a way that he would find acceptable although it wasn't about understanding why I wanted what I wanted, it was about making me quit wanting it. Our entire marriage has been similar, it's about him getting his way or I don't love him enough and he punishes me with his anger.  His anger has so many colours.  it's the deep purple of his turned shoulder as he studiously ignores me with his headphones on. That's become a lot blacker though because that is now how he spends his free time.  Staring at the computer with headphones on. Or he'd be firing off like a thunderstorm, all greys and oranges, rumbling into lightning strikes where he swears and handles things rough enough to do damage, and threatens damage.  He doesn't come after me but I find myself placing m...

3 am and I don't feel like crying.  I'm feeling "normal" actually, though I still think there's no future.  I know the tiny house in penticton was a cool dream but I also know I can't really build it alone, especially with Dan physically interfering the whole time as he'll do.  He'll try and stop me from doing any purchasing first, then pitch fits over the quality and fitness of each component and each stage of the build. or I'm too incompetent and I'd build a death trap like he thinks.  He tells me I'm a rotten driver, careless and distracted, driving too fast all the time. He tells me all the time how poorly I do things.  He never eats something without first demanding I list ingredients and then he gives it quite a lot of suspicion and sniffing first.  Maybe I've been poisoning him for ten years and hiding from the evidence.  I don't know.  How would I know?  I'm completely delusional, right?  Mom always said I was forgetful...

I think it's time to believe.  To accept that I'm that person.  A woman who uses those around her, manipulates them with emotion, and schemes to get into positions to use people, especially men. That I lack any personal insight and have deluded myself and altered my memories to convince myself otherwise. But yeah, I must be that other person.  If i was whom I thought I am, well, I'd have a different life.  I must be the awful Yolanda.  MAkes sense, though, I keep hearing about other women with my name and time and again she's a selfish taking user. I can't really bring up any evidence to the contrary. Everything about me agrees with this premise. So if it's true, I don't have any business here. The world will absolutely get along not only without me, but probably better.  I'm destroying my poor dog's mind with all my crying day in and day out and emotional outbursts.  Its hard on the bird too.  Of course, constantly creating drama and agitatin...

I'm not doing very well at my plan to meditate.  I'm either happy and it's going fine, or I'm in too much crisis!  First I'm healing from the crash and still dealing with a prick who's trying harder and harder to have an explosion.  Then I tell him about the accident and he blows.  I blow. I just don't believe in him.  He's trying this morning, but he'll be just trying by tonight if I'm not still "mad." He jerks me around so bad I just haven't got the defenses and my spirit is too weak anymore.  I'm apologizing to my pets for not being stronger for them, for the mental anguish they feel witnessing mine.  I'm cancelling visits from Tom because i feel like I'm too dislikeable. Didn't eat breakfast. I want to stop eating.  I can't make myself kill myself but maybe I can quit eating and die that way.  I really want to die, I do, I promise you all.  I really don't want to impose myself on your world.  I didn...

So I proved myself right about Dan when I told him about the accident.  He went exactly how I expected.  Not telling him probably would have been less tension for a very long time.  He's threatening to leave me now, accusing me of falseness on top of all the incompetence he's always seen in me.  He hyperfocuses on the mistakes and ignores the successes so naturaly everyone in the world is incompetent.  Because of this, their words aren't important.  You truly can't tell him anything.  Even if he gives in today, by tomorrow the force of habit has returned him to his previous opinion and attitude.  It's heart breaking and I don't want to give up, but I'm feeling helpless and hopeless and utterly alone.  I can't stop shaking now.  He was so mean and loud.  He'd have been this way the night of too, you know, and refused to lift a finger to help me as punishment.  He's trying to give me rules about what I can and cannot do based on ...

Been doing inventory on my wounds as the bruises surface and the pains sort themselves apart from muscle pain. So I sprained my right toe, both ankles, both knees, and my right hand, the latter only slightly.  Frankly the hand might be carpal tunnel acting up.  There just aren't very many positions that are comfy for my legs.  The left side had impressive swelling since the day, the right side only a little puffy today as the bruises "leak" out.  Yesterday I moved wrong, though, and wrenched the left ankle again and it's even more nervous now, LOL Then my neck, yeah, I feel like maybe I tried to pick up the bike with brute strength and because of the shock and adrenaline, yanked way too much.  I didn't do it very long and there was someone by to right the bike with me, but I did a fair bit of pushing with getting it into the parking lot, putting it in the yard with the tow operator's help.  Anyway, I guess my heightened state after the accident meant I wa...

People are always acting like I'm weak because of how easily I cry.  Nobody ever notices that I cry, but I don't quit.  I've seen people quitting with less challenge.  Sure, they don't "break down and cry" alright, but they're being limited more by their insistence on not crying than I am by my tears! I'm tough, alright.  if you think crying is weak, you don't know from tough. Too much time on my hands.  Can't go shopping or anything because we're out of cash till next week. Can't paint my one box because the action is hard on my sore shoulders.  It just hurts too much to dip the brush in the bottle and move back to the model.  Anything that requires me to lift my hands to my shoulders or higher, which dipping the brush does, hurts too much to do over and over.  I can make myself do it to get up a fence or grab some laundry off the line, but not recreationally! So even if I could paint, still can't get the printer software worki...

Recovering from the accident, gradually.  Dan knows I'm unwell, but I let him believe it's another chronic back ache issue.  It's not that unusual for me to just wake up in the morning for no reason in far worse pain than this is causing.  Bad posture, sitting too much, working too hard and pulling something, or just sleeping wrong can all create this problem.  What's more, if I had to pick a bout of whiplash or one of my chronic back aches, I'd take the whiplash.  it's mild by comparison!  Now I really do know that I"m far far stronger than most others.  I got up from a violent accident, started right away to get my bike off the road.  The driver I hit helped me pick it up and after that I took care of myself by myself.  Called the tow and paid it out my wallet and got myself home.  That's how fucking tough I am and don't you forget it, world!  I have a right to my tough girl style because I can out-tough any biker on the planet wh...