I hate titling these
8 am sunday and I wake up watching the nature channel. I like that channel because it's always interesting enough to keep my mind distracted but quiet enough to sleep to. No jarring ads or sudden exciting volume. I really feel tired today, sweaty, and my heart does it's pounding beat most of the time now. I can really feel it.
The bruises on my legs are fully bloomed and rather impressive. It hurts less though, so that's nice.
It's funny that mental anguish can actually be worse than going 3 days without food and I suspect that even thirst and the final heart attack will feel surprisingly gentle to me. I am not in peace about dying. I'm ripped apart. I'm leaving my loved ones to suffer. I hate that but I can't last long enough for them all to die naturally. Things are just too far gone. Dan hasn't seen me. I keep thinking he'll come up and bug me and then he doesn't. I've never known anyone more self centered and uncaring in my life. I remember animals dying from insufficient attention. It happened to me twice. Once was a budgie in a dirty cage, the other a canary my roommate was supposed to be looking after who died of thirst. I felt so incredibly guilty for not noticing. I wonder how Dan will feel when this finishes?
Well, I won't know. I am quite sure there's nothing after life. Just nothing. I've been very spiritual all my life but if there was spirit and purpose, I wouldn't now be killing myself, slowly over days, without anyone or anything interfering, would I? God would send something, someone or something.
You know the phones been unplugged for days? we never answer it and the credit card calls multiple times a day, so Dan unplugged it and never plugged it in again. But other than his mother who can now text him, there's never anyone calling. Anyone who wants to get ahold of us has our cell numbers and knows we really only answer text messages. I wouldn't answer the door if someone was out there either. So yeah, it'd have to be pretty miraculous for anything to save me because it would require moving Dan to action and he just doesn't.
this morning I feel like not drinking till I die is going to be surprisingly easy. Not doing anymore, that's something I can do.
You know, you can create the same result in an animal with the same methods. Take away all it's joy and stress it out constantly. It too will stop eating and drinking, but I won't write in a blog about the experience. We almost lost Timmy that way a year or so ago. He'd gotten so stressed he quit eating and drinking. He was going down fast and I fed him up with coconut water. The vet remedies were failing and I didn't take him back because I knew that the extra stress of the clinic would finish him and I wanted him to live. Poor little mite gets to watch me go through that now. I'm now regretting every time I nursed my pets back to health! I'm so sorry I didnt' let Lucky die last winter. I pet the rabbits when I'm down there and just keep telling them I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This anguish is worse than any complaint my body could offer. Ironically, it's part of what I can tap when I'm craving. I just think about what worries me and I stop wanting any food or drink, like magic. I guess Gandhi used a similar method to keep his will up. Although for him, the pictures of despair were human. He starved to free a country. I only do it to free myself. I am utterly worthless to the world.
The bruises on my legs are fully bloomed and rather impressive. It hurts less though, so that's nice.
It's funny that mental anguish can actually be worse than going 3 days without food and I suspect that even thirst and the final heart attack will feel surprisingly gentle to me. I am not in peace about dying. I'm ripped apart. I'm leaving my loved ones to suffer. I hate that but I can't last long enough for them all to die naturally. Things are just too far gone. Dan hasn't seen me. I keep thinking he'll come up and bug me and then he doesn't. I've never known anyone more self centered and uncaring in my life. I remember animals dying from insufficient attention. It happened to me twice. Once was a budgie in a dirty cage, the other a canary my roommate was supposed to be looking after who died of thirst. I felt so incredibly guilty for not noticing. I wonder how Dan will feel when this finishes?
Well, I won't know. I am quite sure there's nothing after life. Just nothing. I've been very spiritual all my life but if there was spirit and purpose, I wouldn't now be killing myself, slowly over days, without anyone or anything interfering, would I? God would send something, someone or something.
You know the phones been unplugged for days? we never answer it and the credit card calls multiple times a day, so Dan unplugged it and never plugged it in again. But other than his mother who can now text him, there's never anyone calling. Anyone who wants to get ahold of us has our cell numbers and knows we really only answer text messages. I wouldn't answer the door if someone was out there either. So yeah, it'd have to be pretty miraculous for anything to save me because it would require moving Dan to action and he just doesn't.
this morning I feel like not drinking till I die is going to be surprisingly easy. Not doing anymore, that's something I can do.
You know, you can create the same result in an animal with the same methods. Take away all it's joy and stress it out constantly. It too will stop eating and drinking, but I won't write in a blog about the experience. We almost lost Timmy that way a year or so ago. He'd gotten so stressed he quit eating and drinking. He was going down fast and I fed him up with coconut water. The vet remedies were failing and I didn't take him back because I knew that the extra stress of the clinic would finish him and I wanted him to live. Poor little mite gets to watch me go through that now. I'm now regretting every time I nursed my pets back to health! I'm so sorry I didnt' let Lucky die last winter. I pet the rabbits when I'm down there and just keep telling them I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This anguish is worse than any complaint my body could offer. Ironically, it's part of what I can tap when I'm craving. I just think about what worries me and I stop wanting any food or drink, like magic. I guess Gandhi used a similar method to keep his will up. Although for him, the pictures of despair were human. He starved to free a country. I only do it to free myself. I am utterly worthless to the world.