The next 50 years

 Yeah, I don't care that I don't slide through life in a single mood to make others comfy. It's what it is and the least of my worries. Feeling so damn miserable today.  It's friday. I feel like I lost a day. Yesterday was fine, got lots done, but wasn't feeling good mooded.  I mean, they stole my bike wednesday morning and it's still gone so that is eating at me in all kinds of ways.  It's not just a bike.  It's not just the sentiment.  It's also two trailers, the bike leash post and two basket accessories for which I no longer have the attachments. It's the $60 lock I no longer have.  It's the fact that I can't replace the bike anyway because I am so tight to the wire with money.   Oh and the solar system going kaka and finding out I need something nobody sells locally and getting it mail order is challenging and now Dan is saying he can't figure out the website anyway so I have no electricity when sunday comes and I leave this camp...

 Whew, ok, now I finally appreciate why sometimes I want to spend on a campground.  $225 later and I can relax until Sunday.  I can shower, there's electricity.  We were shopping and they gave us a free butterball turkey.  I thought I was going back to the farm so could share it with them. Then I said, well, Dan can take it back and she can use it.  He checked and she can't, so here it was still in the fridge. Doing a great job pretending to be ice in a cooler. But I did indeed get it plugged in soon enough and now I have the leisure to pull out my big burner and run my pressure canner, my stew pot, etc.  I will use charcoal to roast the meat after deboning it and share with the neighbors here.  That's the best approach. Then boil what Rene doesn't eat and concentrate it then can it with my tiny jars.  Just coming here and parking has reduced my stress level dramatically. I called police about the bike and they actually came round, collected ...

Nevertheless, I can't keep going without complaining and I can't complain to humans. Lemme see. Solar system broken, no power. I need a $700 charge controller which is on sale for 400 but I dare not buy it because my brakes need major money. And I need campround fees because I don't have power and need to stop driving lest my brakes fail without warning. And superstore gave us a free turkey that is going to spoil because I can't process it. Maybe. I am likely to slice it up into jars and pressure can it, actually. If it doesn't spoil first. I need power to run the fridge for that. And the campground isn't answering the phone. And my bike beautiful bike got stolen last night while I slept. They cut the lock! Dan is being typically frustrating. Every time I am on the phone he turns up wanting attention. Ok, well, this was unsatisfying. Dan interrupted me again.

 Hummm, so I got my brakes diagnosed.  Firstly, they have to outsource it so they're working to help me find another shop to do the work. Secondly, it's really rather dangerous and the drive back and forth to the farmhouse might be stupid AF.  I'm camped out at Walmart, not sure how long they tolerate or if I need to shift slightly on the daily.  As long as the brakes stay cool, they won't catch fire.  As long as the line holds, they won't freeze shut. But it's leaking badly enough to cause the beep, the fluid loss, and so on. I forgot about the fluid loss.  Yeah, so one of the wheels has a badly screwed brake cylinder.  It's not something we can't do ourselves, actually, if we have large enough tools.  So if everyone says flat out no, we drive gently back to the farm and figure out how to elevate the one wheel in question. What bugs me most right now is there's two wheels there, where is the brake drum?  I am not unfamiliar with the things a...

I wonder why I feel lonely tonight? Doesn't always bother me, but sometimes I can't put it away at all.   I don't even know what I think I want out of it either. It never does much satisfy anymore. Well, now and then, a little, I suppose. Mostly it seems flat and irrelevant and fraught with social peril. I did get the commissioned wrench wrapper made for the house. Not sure how she likes the orice but the cotton fabric aline is worth $25 so I realky am only getting $25 for my time of four hours. This includes the generstor fuel and two broken sewing machine needles plus half a spool of thread. Soooo,I might be breaking even or making a bit, but it is a cheap price and I am not making another unless someone else supplies the fabric, except maybe for myself. I don't think she liked the price. Saskatchewan peeps are cheeps.

 Yeah, I know, it's racist. That's why it's here.  I just hope it's not considered insulting, and gets a pass for being interesting.  I was thinking about the Asian type face.  Epicanthic folds, round cheeks, small features. It's very similar to babies, very cute.  We see the full cheeks in all the races, they appeal, I presume, to people who like babies.  People who love babies. They're geared to respond to that feature set.  So, why would a whole chunk of the planet fill with that dominant feature? Why not the whole planet?  I thought about how humans migrated from Africa, and that meant across the Himalayans, the high cold deserts, all those terrible places.  To get through those terrible places, a population would take a very long time, and only those who took the best care of their children would make it into the future. Because harsh conditions test children so very much.  So they are people who love children.  No, I am not ta...

 When I am happy, I feel paranoid.  I feel like I don't want to be witnessed being happy.  This is an odd sensation which took some time to perceive and yet longer to believe.  See, I get it, I was trained not to be seen happy.  Not obviously trained, but subtly. If I was witnessed in a good mood, my mother, my siblings, school bullies or Dan, yes he too participated, would immediately act to bring me down. like I'm not allowed to be happy. So I learned subconsciously to keep it to myself. Which means that around others I am not myself, I am a misery person because I was trained to show only that side, to focus on it in conversation, to present myself as already so pathetic I'm not worth hassling. Damn that's sad. And outrageous. I do want to change it but I don't know how. I mean, sure, I can tell myself to aggressively be cheerful but I already DO, and it does nothing. Yeah, dead end.  No idea how to address this one.

 We arrived at the rural jobsite on the edge of a tiny village and the night sky is unimpeded like I haven't seen it since last century. I missed the stars so badly.  It's hard not to try and sleep out under them. My neck hurts from craning up. The whole of Draco, my name for our galaxy, is displayed above, misty cloudy bits and all. In fact, I read somewhere recently that this part of the continent is sparsely enough populated to qualify as a dark sky preserve.  Whew, it sure is!  As a child I almost took it for granted, but of course, one cannot stop being awed by the night sky, regardless how often it is there.  It's better than TV.  Just lay there looking up and your brain never stops having interest in it.  Wipes away worries and cares of the day and just leaves me inspired.  It was a very short time ago that I wished to see them soon, expecting to wait until we boondock in the mountains. Here it is, though. Wow. I really should get out my ca...

 I waited an extra effing month because of Dan, primarily, although the death of Timmy played no small part. So I gave him a deadline.  So he decided to blow it.  So I'm on the road without him.  I'm only about 2.5 hours down the road, so he can easily catch up. I fetched up in a terribly desolate mud lot. dust, debris, barbed wire and scrub weeds behind that with a pile of dirt like a pimple in one spot. the wind is blowing like it's out in Saskatchewan and has zero obstacles to slow it's journey across the land.  Luckily it's not blowing in from the waste water plant just over the way here. My bus was overheating on the way here but it was being asked to try and haul everything up hills at 90km/h and once I settled for 79, we found a nice niche and I even used the throttle locker to put her on a steady throttle so I could bounce my feet. As to music, I still have not found a good solution.  All my speakers are dead or dying, really, same with my mp3 playe...