insight on why I present as unhappy all the time

 When I am happy, I feel paranoid.  I feel like I don't want to be witnessed being happy.  This is an odd sensation which took some time to perceive and yet longer to believe.  See, I get it, I was trained not to be seen happy.  Not obviously trained, but subtly. If I was witnessed in a good mood, my mother, my siblings, school bullies or Dan, yes he too participated, would immediately act to bring me down. like I'm not allowed to be happy. So I learned subconsciously to keep it to myself.

Which means that around others I am not myself, I am a misery person because I was trained to show only that side, to focus on it in conversation, to present myself as already so pathetic I'm not worth hassling.

Damn that's sad. And outrageous.

I do want to change it but I don't know how. I mean, sure, I can tell myself to aggressively be cheerful but I already DO, and it does nothing.

Yeah, dead end.  No idea how to address this one.

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