The next 50 years

No, not because it's ugly.  I don't care about that.   I'm not embarassed or ashamed, why should I be?  It's not a punishment for bad behaviour so why shame? No, I hate it because it's a bag full of shit dangling off my belly.  that alone I suppose I could learn to live with if I could ignore it for a moment of the day.  I hate it for the following variety of reasons. It stinks.  I don't care that the pros insist they don't stink, it does.  It's faint and I doubt anyone else notices it, but I do. It always stinks, sometimes worse. It runs when I try and sleep.  Oh yes, if I try to sleep at night or trying to nap, that thing will start putting out poop, guaranteed. Now you'll be saying "oh, so what, let it run."  Yeah, uh huh.  See, it does run and it doesn't work as advertised. Nope, the poop comes out, clings to the lump of obscene red flesh that is my "stoma" and piles up against it, contained by the plastic ring of my co...

It's going to be hard and I may fail, but I'm going to try and fast again, indefinitely.  I can't get irrigation to work and I can't live with this colostomy if it's going to keep spitting poo at only the worst possible times. It robs me of sleep, distracts when I'm driving on the freeway and spoils my meals. What have I been doing since the last post?  Well I've been working on the bus periodically. I have long stretches when I can't get anything done because I can't figure out how or because other tasks interfere like buying groceries or cleaning the house. it's come along a bit but I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now. I may get the bus done. I might power through not knowing how to do the electricals or not knowing how to build the storage. Maybe I'll miraculously make the smart car ramp and door. but I won't get it out of the yard I'm sure. Ok, well maybe I'll manage to dig up the fence and drive out and maybe block the...

I knew she was a bitch, just didn't understand how badly she was.   I'm doing my social duty, volunteering my time and back ache to help a solo mother. She's working and raising a child.  She's doing pretty damn good with it, has a home she bought, it's furnished, and they eat quality food.  She manages to find time for socializing and trips home to the family or to festivals.  So all in all, she's doing better than my married mother was raising us. But she's complaining about how she can't clean her home well enough. Hey, I can relate, I like a clean home.  hers is easy to do because she's not as dirty as most modern humans.  That's not to say it didn't need cleaning. So I volunteered to help out once a month.  I've done it before, when she was sick. Both times she wants to yap at me and so I oblige although this is more work than house cleaning for me.  Well she starts in about how hard it is to raise a toddler.  Again.  And again. I ...

This song showed up in a carol burnette melody. so I looked it up and discovered our favorite white boy bee gees just copied a black guy, Al Green.  Sheesh. There was way too much of that. Well Al's soulful rendition broke me down into tears and I realized, I'm married to the man who broke my heart.  Broke it so good I don't know or want to know how to love again. But still married because of economics. So I'm working on the bus. It's causing me grief because Dan likes to walk in and start a fight about anything he can, start an old argument back up.  It'll be like 'what if we do it this way" and I respond "must we start that over again? we already did this last week!" then it's the old "you never listen to me" bullshit which really means "you're not amazed enough with my brilliance." Then Ray, he's an old frenemy from way back, he's over on Wednesday to help put a ceiling panel up. Takes three fucking hour...

Exceptions Perceptions rules and fools. I'm always the exception to every rule. I don't want to be, it's just part of me. I have an opinion, but not an asshole. I have a part, but not a role. You can try to quit, to make hasty exit. Only to find that, again, you're the exception. You can make life worse but not kill the life force. I love to work hard but didn't get dealt the worker card. I stand short, I walk tall. I'm shy but act bold.  I'm quiet but look loud. They call me strong, I've felt weak for so long. You can try to fit, to connect a bit. But feel alone however far you've gone. You can't draw them near, but you can send them far. The more sane you become, the crazier you feel yet. I love myself, man, I just don't think anyone else can. I have confidence I can do it, but think you won't let me to it.

I was in hell for a while before I knew it.  I'd travelled quite a distance but not gotten through it. I stared at the others who journeyed there, faces tired and worn with care. Angels of mercy, delivering pain, smile, apologize, jab it again.  Hell is populated with innocents and saints, all stuck in like flies in paint. I told myself i was on TV, some scifi show that didn't star me.  As an extra I played my part, laying on machines like engineer's art. The soundtrack made by IV pumps is the perfect song when you're down in the dumps. I smile and cry and wonder why.  Why so many of us here in hell? Why so many of us so unwell? I feel ashamed of my full head of hear to see so many bald women there. I used to feel so sure I knew the cause and I had the cure. Now others tried to put their ideas in my head on how I could best crawl out of my bed. I spent my days in a drug filled haze wondering, is this the new me? Is this how my life will be? Am I a lucky one, will I b...

When I first began, I wanted the wonder.  Then as I began to see it, I wanted recognition. I wanted the respect and deference people give to wise ones.  I never could have it because as a self-taught and a woman, I am not deserving in the eyes of others.  I thought one day the stamp of wisdom would be deep enough on me that others would see it and I'd get that deference.  But as I grow wiser I begin to lose interest in it. I begin in fact to want not to want it at all.  To be content as nothing more than a mouse in a crack.  For years I've known I'm a mouse, that it is my nature to always be disrespected, disregarded, unseen at best, and occasionally found endearing. Like mice are. I begin now to see that the admiration, respect, or deference of others is not a good thing for me. For anyone.  It justifies the ego beyond that of having self confidence to haveing self entitlement.  Ego is a weakness, a chink in the armour, a source of suffering. ...

Sorry to let this lapse so long!  We've had the bus in our back yard 2 weeks and at first things moved FAST but then it slowed right down. Between weather issues and my own body being weak and miserable, I haven't been able to do much myself. My hands tingle when I use them or when they get cold.  My feet tingle when I use them or when they get cold.  Because of all this pain I hunch too much and my back aches.  When I sit still to relieve myself of the pain, I get super stiff and moving becomes blindingly painful.  All this keeps me tired.  I'm working on remembering posture.  I'm putting on gloves more often and choosing foot wear with some cushion to it.  I'm smoking hash to help keep the discomfort from the forefront of my mind.  I work on things that take long slow quiet work instead of hard elbow grease.  Like weaving the blanket I'm working on: Or the hooked fringe I'm putting on Timmy's alpaca knitted fashion suit: I...

I went to a birthday party at a bar last night.  Talking away, realizing I'm talking too much, trying hard to get it right. The person I'm talking to comments that I dominate the conversation and it's not really that fun for her to talk to me while I do that.  Then she went out for a smoke and I sat and tried to stem the flow of tears and the urge to flee.  When she returned I think I did better but I still felt immense self loathing.  It's why I don't have enough friends, after all.   I just can't help it. I try so hard but keep failing. I got work done in the yard yesterday, moved kayaks and rocks and things.  It's getting closer to ready for the bus.  I found a generator at a pawn shop for $400.  I was relieved to learn I'd bought a good one as I was going purely on instinct when I bought it. My instincts said it was good, and there wasn't time before closeup to do any proper research. I was worried if I didn't jump on it the opportunity woul...

I haven't felt this much jealousy of other people since my 20s. It's a constant niggling pop up like mice in the garage or weeds in the lawn.  I see them living normal lives, pursuing satisfying endeavours, having successes and friends and experiences and I just want to scream in rage and self pity. Oh part of this is just the nerve damage.  I'm being bogged down energy-wise.  My brain isn't firing on all cylinders, and my nerves are full of static.  That too pisses me off. I'm mad about the colostomy.  I'm mad about regaining all that weight. I'm mad I still have these goddamn breasts and probably can't get them taken off and they're so annoying. Annoying, you ask?  Ok, so they're hot, always hot. They're obscene. You know they are. I can't just post a picture of them  no matter how well formed they may be.  They could be the prettiest tits god ever dropped on a chest (they aren't) and they'd still be classed as obscene, right...

Our debt just doubled.  Overnight, yep. We'd not filed for taxes for 3 years because I got too sick to nag Dan and he just didn't pay attention to it.  We got our returns and we owe more than the value of our house to the government while the house itself is mortgaged to the hilt already. So we owe money we can't and will never be able to pay even if we sell everything and move on to the sidewalk to live.  Far as I can tell. I've been emotional about it.  Didn't get much sleep, not in much shape today. I have applied for jobs at the pet stores and booked to see a credit counsellor. More than that I don't know what to do. The job thing is a fool's errand. I don't think I'm employable.  I will try if they hire me but I'm still pretty sick so it's not too promising.  Our utilities just doubled this winter too.   Dan just keeps working and the money just keeps evaporating and I have no idea which way is up or down or what to do about it.  I can...

I just thought of this. What if I adopted a new attitude of avoiding efficiency and expediency?  Everything I do, I'm thinking about how to do it more efficiently.  Oh I'm capable of impressive feats of it, yes.  Three, four things on the go at once, every move plotted.  Start the kettle first so it's boiling when the bags are peeled and put in the pot (maybe, usually not anyway).   Start the long slow thing first and monitor it while you do all the quick little things. I know, it sounds like a good thing to be able to do. and it is.  And I can. That's just it.  Know what I can't do?  Slow down and relax.  yeah, I have a LOT of time on my hands right now. Why do I need to be efficient?  I do need to learn to relax, though.  to feel that sense of time being passed mindfully, with presence, with awareness.  Not have it scuttle past my flurry of activity, ashamed that it exists, feeling like the unwanted cousin at the reunion. ...

Someone tried to suggest that keeping one's own counsel enables one to bypass social judgement. No.  It doesn't.  If you tell them you're celibate and sober, they assume you're lying and judge you degenerate anyway.  If you tell them you have some vices of any kind, they assume you're mitigating and it's probably a lot worse and they judge you. What happens when they judge you? Well family denies you aid or comfort, even company.  It's the sister with the babies who gets people dropping by with groceries to help her through the week. She has hard evidence of her misbehaviour but she curls her hair and dons pointy shoes, so she's clearly trying, eh? If I were bound and determined to present a face that others would respect and admire even if they don't know me for shit, assuming I could, I'd actually be supporting that judgmental state.  I'd be promoting it. In fact I couldn't just recuse myself from the conversation. Everyone knows if ...

I get so bored when I'm too tired to do anything.  Just watching videos day after day. I did put up a couple of youtube videos for nobody to watch.  Nobody does anymore. There were some polite efforts last december but it fell off.  That's ok.  It's not what I want but I'm not losing anything but useless time. Because I've essentially spent my time laying around the house just trying to keep laundry, floors and dishes clean, there's really nothing to talk about. But hey, hi.

Now I know he's on board.  Last weekend we saw a bus on the ads that looked like a great deal and this weekend it's parked outside our house!  I made Dan do the arrangements to see it and pick it up and he went through it all like a champ.  We had enough to pay for it, it was really cheap.  1987 bus, 72 passenger, so like 40 ft long, and only 130k km on it!  We have a spot secured at a nearby storage lot but it's out the side for now as it needs a new starter and dan is going to get on it this weekend. As to our relationship, he's come so far this year it's wonderful.  I still have reason to correct him, he still works himself into silly rages, but he's a lot more respectful and has entirely quit trolling me emotionally.  That's a great new word, eh? Trolling.  I'm not even sure what we used to use instead of it.  The act of provoking someone to elicit a negative emotional response.  Yep, it's a good one. I've got a cold.  Yucky...

Mind blown. Cancer is giving me the sex change I always wanted but which the world would refuse to give. Even today the level of BS you have to go through would stop me. Asking me to pass for male without changing the physical sex markers is just ridiculous.  I'm very female.  It's like that person I know in town who flips between male and female depending on if he's dealing with his income or his social life.  He's got such heavily masculinized features he can only come out looking like a man in woman's dress.  Even if he took hormones he'd still be too big, too coarse, and too heavy featured to pass.  So he's both.  He has an alter ego, the night when he can really be himself and if he's around nice, sweet people who get him, they'll go along with it and treat him like a gorgeous girl. the only time he gets any dysphoria then, is when he checks his makeup in the mirror.  so then he can truly just be the person he feels to be, express his most prou...

So I have always been a transgender.  I knew it as a child but back then the language and ideas and information simply didn't exist. The dialog hadn't started.  I can say if I'd been allowed to transition at puberty or even at onset of adulthood my life would have been a damn sight better.  I longed for it often enough but there was no way and I'd never heard of such a thing. When I heard of men changing to women, I was jealous of them. Sure, a man could transition, but a woman couldn't.  She was a she forever.  Whether it suited her nature or not. She was going to be corrected, scolded, criticized and directed, sidelined and ridiculed for not quite meeting the mark. She would find herself forced into roles that did not suit her and denied those that did.  That was how the world was and there was no way to change it.  This was my life.  Did it bother me?  Well hell yeah!  Immensely.  To the point of multiple attempts at suicide. ...

The lassitude.  Oh My God.  My brain feels stoned before it is and when I smoke the hash it hardly affects me it seems, I'm already so loaded from the nerve damage this last two rounds of chemo did. My fingers now tingle unpleasantly at room temperature but I can't warm up the room because of the hot flashes. Damn I've gained 25 lbs now since the surgery and today just skipped breakfast and I'm going really light on the snacks.  Fruit, a boiled egg, that sort of thing. So not fasting but eating very little.  The challenge of preparing food adds to that.  Cold food out of the fridge is painful to work with and it's often not feasible to wear gloves. The gloves aren't sanitary (winter gloves, not latex, to insulate my fingers) and the food often gets the gloves wet anyway and frankly, if they were sanitary enough for food, they don't stay that way long.  My energy, though.  I've been laying on the couch, had a long morning nap, and I'm using sleep pi...

I think he gets me yelling at him too easily.  I know I'm triggered.  I know too he's got his ways of prepping me for that trigger before he launches it.  He knows what will trigger me too.  He gets me yelling because it gives him a charge. I hate it.  I'm usually a pretty calm person actually but not when he gets going. The bird can scream like a maniac for an hour and I can hold my wits but that man just mentions one of the trigger subjects, then refuses to stop when asked, making excuses for why it's so important to force me to know this information. It sets me off.  I'd love to not be set off but he knows when to drop these nuggets too.  Like when I'm doing something that requires concentration or is not going well.  It's not really fair to test my temper that way, is it?  So I've decided to punish him every time he does it with my silence for the evening.  He starts, I'll jam on headphones and that's it for the evening, he doesn't ...

Say you're a corporation with a desire to keep people tied to you.  Now you see a movement coming up at the grass roots which threatens your agenda.  Take the tiny house/minimalist movement for example.  People not tied to stuff is bad for corporations. First you sit back and study it. You don't get involved, you get equipped.  You get your lawyers and researchers studying it, all nice and quiet.  You need to let the movement mature a bit.  It needs to raise up people who are really good at promoting it.  You know, the Bob who goes into city council and slaps backs and cracks jokes and gets concessions.  When these people show up, you start buying them to staff your new department which is there to help them promote their movement.  Yes, you start out promoting your enemy.  You're their friend. You are generous, helpful, useful, and interested.  You buy as many of the leaders as you can and give them nice offices, income, power. T...