The next 50 years

 yah, that's it, Timmy wheezed himself to death last night. Drowned in his own lungs due to congestive heart failure.  It's been utterly heart breaking and his death is a relief to me as well as him. But of course I'm weeping and I can't eat breakfast, although I should try. Gotta feed Rene, who is now the only dog. Hope she likes it.  I'm glad she's here.

Ffunny, but being grieved over Timmy feels so familiar.  I've cried this hard before.  He isn't gone yet, how hard will I cry returning from the vet? He took a turn for the worse friday night and has just gone downhill since.  I am certain he is dying and can't be saved.  We have an appointment for the vet tomorrow and we can have him euthanized then.  He is trying hard to care about my feelings but at the same time, dishease is ravaging him.  He can't breathe. Just pants shallowly and if it wasn't for the CBD drops, would cry constantly.  He hurts.  I've been dosing him and if I could, I would overdose him. But CBD isn't morphine and it doesn't do that.  So it helps him cope with the situation and helps cut the pain down, but he is dying and that is the hardest thing to do. and to watch. poor mite can't be comfortable now, nothing works. Too tired to sit up, can't breath laying on his chest, and it just hurts.  It's so heart breaking. I...

 That night, Timmy suddenly became desperately ill.  He couldn't breathe, collapsed with a long pained cry, and panted horribly, crying as he went.  I tried to get a night's sleep because it was late and a 2 hour drive back to town, so in the morning after a hasty breakfast we drove and drove.  I did phone ahead and let them know we were coming and called Dan, and when I got to saskatoon, went directly to the vet and hauled timmy directly in. Poor little mite had such a hard week.  His heart is enlarged and his lungs were filling with fluid.  He is on diuretics, and I have been dosing him with CBD as well as tempting him or force feeding him, as needed, with such high calorie foods as lard and butter and cheese and noodles, and such dense nutrition as broth and coconut water and also sweetened condensed milk (that I put in my tea and coffee.)  Awhile there, he seemed suicidal, tottering determinedly in the direction of the nearest danger he could perce...

 I'm holed up at a truck stop where I'm not a member and wondering as the slots fill up if they'll make me leave. The one next to me is the only one left, I think. This city is hard. They close all park paths and back alleys at 11pm, says the signage, and there's precious little street parking and "no overnight" on every mall parking lot. The only option open is the casino and that sounds like a horrible place. Right on the main drag and constantly busy including drunks?  I will pop in tomorrow and see if the RV'rs there can recommend parking spots nearby.  I really can't pay for campgrounds.  Nice as it would be, my budget doesn;t cover it. For the most part, the bus runs well enough, she slogs it to get up to speed but given her nature, that seems probably de rigeur . What's maddening is her brake e motor light, and the accompanying brake light keep flashing, to the beat of the windshield washers, half a beat for the brake, then a beat for the br...

All this quietude and anonymity has really served to help me calm the noise in my head.  Anxiety still rambles on, but slower, and takes breaks.  My brain thinks about other things now too, like watching ducklings and thinking about their security strategies and lifestyle, and etc.  I have better focus now.  I am calmer.  I have more buffer mood before something bothers me.  I couldn't find this chill in my house. There were random stress hits and worry reminders every few minutes. Whether it was a disturbance outside or the decay inside, or the phone or mail hitting me with complaints about everything, I simply couldn't relax. Oh, and dogs.  Always someone's dog barking all day and all night, pitifully sometimes, neglected and miserable and constant.  Remembering tenses me up! Huh, some van just came into the area, parked briefly, then left. Earlier there was a sprinter van that did the same, and mysteriously parked in the one place he couldn't e...

 It started out as a cool windy grey day,  but as it's summer, it's not actually cold.  So we took a walk around part of the lake and back.  Another dog pack started out in the opposite direction and actually made it all the way round.  I ran into them passing my bus, commented "cute" at the dogs and then "Did you actually go all the way around the lake?"  "Yes" was the reply but uttered with such ice and fury as to leave me breathless with wonder.  How one can put so much negativity into one positive syllable is astonishing.  Absurd. Then I did my laundry in the ridiculous little laundry bucket spinny thing. It does very little at a time but it does speed up the job vs doing it entirely by hand.  I plugged it in at the tournament house at the ski club beach where I'm boondocking.  Kind of stealing power, really, but not a lot.  Mostly I run on my solar.   I was using lake water for the laundry and then the ski club boat h...

 I am on Sunday, and had to buy more ice.  Yesterday I successfully changed my fuel filter and now I have to face securing my load, a daunting task and I don't feel like I know how, what, or with what, so I'm just sitting k That's anitting.  I did make a run to the stores which are very far to bike and my cards were declined.  Credit is maxxed and I forgot the prepay debit has a unique pin I have to look up to use it. So I picked prairie clover flowers for tea only to learn it's the leaves I need....  Yeah, ok. After breakfast I was watching some videos shirtless when a stranger parks in front of me and toots his horn.  I came out to talk, he started just being "curious" and I didn't believe it for a second.  It was so weird. I could feel the authority seeping off him and knew he was fake nice, but why? Well I answered questions, then asked if he worked for the flying J, and he said, yes, well, actually, he owns it.  Yeah, so he wasn't here becaus...

 Dan was by again as he usually is but I spent it at the truckstop laundry while he sat with the dogs. Which they seem to have really enjoyed.  So this means I didn't unload as much on him as usual.  Which it turns out, I feel the desire to talk over my day, as if to make it more real.  But then, I don't have to tell a human and I guess it's not for conversation, just that it feels like nothing done out loud to the dogs. Well ok.  Lemme see. Yesterday, the shyster.  Yeah, told you about him. Well he showed up this morning while I slept and left a rusty prop sword, quite a nice excalibur copy, a filthy kettle I don't want, some half dead batteries, and a collapsible bucket. Oh and a digital multimeter.  Which I gave to dan.  And a plant.  Dracanea, the rose edged leaves. I don't know how well it will do in the bus but I gave it a better pot and more dirt and stuck it by the window.  I should find out what light it prefers.  Come to t...

 No but seriously, I feel safe in my bus, safer than I ever did in my car.  I'm anonymous, I guess?  Or because it was my safe haven all these years already?  I don't feel secure, mind you, breakdowns can really create issues and police are a hazard and driving it is terrifying in multiple ways. Nevertheless, I feel safe. I was realizing after a call with my social worker that technically, I'm in the worst possible crisis a person can face.  I guess I felt that way for awhile, but not anymore. I feel free.  Not secure.  I don't have the resources for security.  But everything I love is here with me and I'm not sitting in a huddle on the sidewalk.  I"m incredibly grateful for how well this is working for me rather than how badly. Today, sitting in a dead street behind a truck stop, I got the rest of my solar panels wired.  At the campground last month I got the rack on and the panels installed.  Dan's been extremely helpful because h...