The next 50 years

I've just been vibrating all day if I'm not frenetically doing something with my whole body.  I have to reset posture minute by minute. Headache and mind running keep me awake even with livestreams running to try and distract me. I've been pulling things to try and get enough cash to keep going for the month. Plus I'm really scared they'll show up and seize everything and turn me out in my underwear.  I'm not sure if they did they'd get more than 60k out of it all. Especially since they'd be hiring someone to do a batch lot auction of what is essentially mostly junk.  Almost everything I own was bought second hand in the first place.  I get by through repair and preservation.  I'm doing the breathing but it stops having any effect immediately as soon as I try to think or do anything.   my mind is so scattered I can barely keep track of the space I'm in or what I'm doing there.  My body has been in a state of stress for twenty years and I can...

Real estate agent tells me my place will only sell for 50k????   Ok, so Ihave a 70k mortgage and a 75k tax bill.  So that would mean I still couldn't use banks or recieve disbursments or payments. And I would still owe national bank 10k. Which I wouldn't pay of course. But it's got me so out of twist I can't focus or settle. How did things go this sideways on me? why despite my efforts have I gotten here? Well so the current plan is to sell everything and move into the bus and hit the coast and pray. Work cash jobs and barter and take it from there.  But why must I live at all?  I don't want to. I don't like it. Nobody needs or likes me.  I have no value or use to anyone, nor even myself, it would seem.  All I'm here for is to suffer? What's the value in that?  Who gets value? You know, every time I eat something I feel paranoid like someone is watching and going to punish me for having something. Eating anything other than dry bread and water? Sm...

Ah, well, let's "chat."  I woke up and checked my balance to see if my disability allowance had dropped.  I wasn't going to be able to do much but I did want to pay the electric bill. I was met with 0.00.  Not even my buffer amount left. zip.  nada. Like that.  Listen, they got a whole file on me and my troubles and they're taking my disabled allowance. You think they don't know what they're doing? So today, in addition to seeing the doctor for antibiotics for my persistent infection, I've called a real estate agent and cancelled as much of the automatic debits as I am able. All the insurance, and I had enough cash to pay for my car, so I did that, it's good for a month. I don't know what happens.  I don't know how long I have. I don't know how much I'll have left from the sale of the house to do anything with.  I am likely going to be able to finish the back end of the bus and get it a hitch so I can keep the car and trailer and bu...

Well, see, I owe half of Dan's tax debt because he harangued me to sign papers until I was officially CEO over him.  We're an incorporated business. Which is just laughably absurd.  How is one man installing floors a business at all?  A business involves a location, inventory, stock, employees, I don't know, but one guy plying his trade in people's homes is NOTa business no matter what some corrupt lying politicians say.  Well anyway, I'm this CEO, see, for the last fifteen or so years, of a company that doesn't do it's books. We did the books the first two years, and I wasn't able to emotionally handle the tax forms.  Dan saw me screaming and hitting my head and crying onto the forms and declared we should get an accountant.  I picked a guy out of the phone book and he set about screwing us up as fast as he could.  First he did the bullshit incorporation, took a pile of money from us. Then he did nothing, for two years, sitting on our paperwork. ...

Youtube likes to drag me into these videos and I get lured, then triggered, then struggle to find anything that isn't triggered as youtube starts funneling it at me like my mother trying to teach me to hate sugar.  Yeah, she put a funnel in my mouth and started pouring scoops of sugar down my throat, then removed the funnel and filled my mouth and didn't stop till I started to choke.  How I didn't is a wonder.  It didn't stop me eating sugar but I was sure more attentive at theft afterwards. Bitch. Yeah, so scapegoats, learning all about it.  They projected everything at me and more.  They accused me of wild and outrageous things. They claimed of me absolutely incredible features. I knew as a kid they were lying.  I was always so confused.  I didn't know about gaslighting.  But I trusted my own memory implicitly. I could recite whole conversations days later. I could recall inch by inch journeys, scenes, everything in full color 3d from memory and...

I was thinking about the base goals of minecraft.  How the game encourages settler and raider behaviour.  The same sort of thing the europeans did to the whole world.  Go in, steal whatever you want, use the resources, tie them up, build stuff, imprison the locals, kill anyone who dares resist, lock up all the wildlife and cover the land with lines and buildings and farms and things.  It kind of bugs me, really.  But then minecraft is also such a sandbox that one doesn't have to play it that way. And that's when I sat and wondered, what would a Cree or Dakota do? the Assinaboine?  What would First Nations people do with this game?  How would they play it?  Do they play it?  I mean, they don't seem to be that into video games, they've got social lives and families and they do stuff together. For one of them to become such a closeted gamer nerd as to become a youtuber, and you need to Git Gud before you get there, so yes, you need to spend all ...

Yikes and ouch, the surgery from last December keeps getting torn over and over.  I'm not supposed to reach over my head.  But even my microwave is higher than that.  My whole kitchen, half of it is up, and the other half is reaching down! Then there's sleep, where I put my arm is along under my pillow, stretched out above my head.  So even in half sleep I'm putting my stitches under strain. I'm sleeping and doing it. Well it's been infected, and that was scary, I took tons of golden seal and garlic and broth, because it was too cold to see a doctor. Well that worked and I doing great then I grabbed the dog and moved her and tore it again, always the left side. That was swollen like crazy, almost healed, when Iwas putting my cds on the shelf and POP it goes again.  This last one included enough internal bleeding to create a large hematoma which now has just popped by slowing killing the skin between it and the surface.  I expressed a lot of the contents whi...