scapegoat ruminations

Youtube likes to drag me into these videos and I get lured, then triggered, then struggle to find anything that isn't triggered as youtube starts funneling it at me like my mother trying to teach me to hate sugar.  Yeah, she put a funnel in my mouth and started pouring scoops of sugar down my throat, then removed the funnel and filled my mouth and didn't stop till I started to choke.  How I didn't is a wonder.  It didn't stop me eating sugar but I was sure more attentive at theft afterwards. Bitch.
Yeah, so scapegoats, learning all about it. 
They projected everything at me and more.  They accused me of wild and outrageous things. They claimed of me absolutely incredible features. I knew as a kid they were lying.  I was always so confused.  I didn't know about gaslighting.  But I trusted my own memory implicitly. I could recite whole conversations days later. I could recall inch by inch journeys, scenes, everything in full color 3d from memory and it included book text, giving me perfect spelling.
Time, pain, illness, and marijuana have dimmed that light some, but I still trust my basic memory.  Back then, even at the tender "age of reason" of 4 ish years old I had certain things I "knew" without being able to argue them effectively.  I knew violence was just not part of the toolbox we should use, although it certainly was there close to hand and easily picked up. I always felt shame after losing my temper.  It's probably one reason people provoked me so deliberately so often, because the switch between fear to rage to shame was so dramatic. But in the state of rage I was genuinely dangerous. Redlined, and capable of murder. Even as a child, because a thrown desk is not more than a child could do and is enough to kill. 
Anyway, suffice it to say, bullies kept at me everywhere and gaslighting is a very favorite tool for them. 
I think I'm as "sane" as I am, and yes it's relative and no I don't care about your definition, is because I always had this strong memory. It's resistant to change by suggestion. If you try, I will immediately argue you to correct your incorrect information. I had adults do that, try and tell me what I should remember when they weren't even there and I would correct them and point out they weren't there. LOL  People really found me frustrating in this regard but screw that, they were being dishonest and manipulative! 
See, it's not just that violence is wrong, but that coercion is violence. Even should your manipulative ways be comparitively gentle and do no physical harm, yet the coercion of another makes it violence. You've crossed their boundaries, that's break and enter on a socio mental level.  You've overwhelmed their right to free choice, that's psychosocial bondage. Also violent.  You see? 
So I don't engage in this behaviour and I don't respect those who do.  Yet this sort of thing is highly enjoyed and valued by a great deal of people and they take insult that I won't join their fun and games. They also find me ripe for the exploiting as I do not have any social support or protection at all.  Frankly, if someone broke in and roughed me up hard, the cops would likely never put any effort into investigating, even if Ihad footage. I am that low status in my world.
I really am not enjoying being alive these days.
But I am making htings that I enjoy and having enjoyable moments, like when the canary sings, or today when the nasty looking truck moved out to the street instead of my yard. Ok, laterz.
scapegoat out.
(I knew they were lying, you see, that's the trick)

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