just still need to talk about it

I've just been vibrating all day if I'm not frenetically doing something with my whole body.  I have to reset posture minute by minute. Headache and mind running keep me awake even with livestreams running to try and distract me.

I've been pulling things to try and get enough cash to keep going for the month. Plus I'm really scared they'll show up and seize everything and turn me out in my underwear. 

I'm not sure if they did they'd get more than 60k out of it all. Especially since they'd be hiring someone to do a batch lot auction of what is essentially mostly junk.  Almost everything I own was bought second hand in the first place.  I get by through repair and preservation. 

I'm doing the breathing but it stops having any effect immediately as soon as I try to think or do anything.  

my mind is so scattered I can barely keep track of the space I'm in or what I'm doing there. 

My body has been in a state of stress for twenty years and I can't stop it from just gravitating.  My brain goes "oh yeah, we're upset, right??" and I keep trying to tell myself, no, I am not upset.  I am angry, yes.  I am afraid, yes.  But I am choosing to open myself and just surf the tidal wave as long as I can and find out what happens.  I can only say my current life is so horrible that only severe destitution is worse.  I don't know if that's going to happen, and I can't afford to get bent over the fear about it. Even though I am getting bent out of shape over it.

Hence the manic typing.  I thought about reaching out to someone but there's absolutely nothing anyone can say.   Not in the sense of powerless people offering empty comfort and meaningless reassurances.   Or worse, taking advantage of the opportunity to rub salt into the wounds.

I mean, I always talked about things for two reasons. One, it's an injustice and while it's been done to me, that's not the point, the point is making sure people know this happens.  That they have to know, and not have deniability in the cruelty ongoing.  I mean, if I thought it was just for me, that I'm special, well  ok, I'd probably not bother yapping it up so much. I don't like pity. I like help and advocacy. Or quiet. I really love quiet.  I don't get enough actual quiet.

Mountains are quiet.  

I just keep praying to nobody that this isn't some weird tumble into hell, but that I can get enough for the house to fix things and make it possible to live in a bus. 

I am resourceful and resilient and hard working and creative and brave.  surely I can solve this?  

BC has way more resources.  Work camping opportunities on farms and orchards and campgrounds, cash jobs and tourists buying crafts, and you can busk too.  I can do all that. But I really do need the car to get to town.  So I need the back altered on the bus. Ireally have to replace the tires, they can toodle around town or the province. They've got good tread and condition. But they're that old nonetheless. I don't want them going to hell on a mountain pass. And I can't import my bus to BC without exhaust repairs.  I can probably get away with using it. 

I need to be able to live in BC for a few months before turning up begging for disability assistance and health care.

Frankly it's about the health care.  I can feed myself and probably keep fuel in the bus and if Dan trails along and earns income too, even put away stash for emergencies. 

This isn't impossible unless I can't get enough out of the house to finance these things.  Probably need 25k minimum. Plus fuel to get there of course, you know. I'd like a fridge that works or a decent power bank to run the bar fridge. That's good too. or maybe the freezer comes along?  it's pretty tiny and could supply coolth to an ice box setup with frozen cool packs.  But I won't have that 30amp plugin most of the time.  I also need more parts for the solar, I lack wires and a decent charger and all I have for batteries is lead acid from the junkyard.

So yeah, it's that junior real estate agent telling me 50k that has me so freaked out. But I look around and think, no, this place isn't a total wreck like that.  It's in need of some work but in fact is pretty habitable and the work is pretty minor.  I'm just too poor. Needs a new kitchen, tub surround, and one room needs paint. Which it might just get if I can get it empty. I have paint. What Idon't have is the material for the tub surround.  I wanted subway tile panels.  the cheap fake tile kind. Maybe I can still get that done. It would help.

I'll be having real estate agents in here on monday. No idea what to do with the dogs while they're here, the bus isnt' warm enough yet.I'm thinking maybe shift them from room to room if the guys have an issue. I can carry the vicious little one and hold his yap shut maybe. 

Oh how do I get my body to relax??? I've tried camomile tea. I don't have mint.