debts

Well, see, I owe half of Dan's tax debt because he harangued me to sign papers until I was officially CEO over him.  We're an incorporated business. Which is just laughably absurd.  How is one man installing floors a business at all?  A business involves a location, inventory, stock, employees, I don't know, but one guy plying his trade in people's homes is NOTa business no matter what some corrupt lying politicians say. 

Well anyway, I'm this CEO, see, for the last fifteen or so years, of a company that doesn't do it's books. We did the books the first two years, and I wasn't able to emotionally handle the tax forms.  Dan saw me screaming and hitting my head and crying onto the forms and declared we should get an accountant.  I picked a guy out of the phone book and he set about screwing us up as fast as he could.  First he did the bullshit incorporation, took a pile of money from us. Then he did nothing, for two years, sitting on our paperwork.  We got into trouble with the CRA.  At this point, we were over ten k in debt to the CRA and I was getting damn sick and the abuse from Dan was really intense.  He nearly killed the dog from stress with all the fighting. It's not like I just took it all, I snap back.  So we found an honest accountant, got our papers all sorted, put money on the debt paid the accountant, and by year three were already 50k in the hole and couldn't pay the accountant. By now, we were going up to six weeks without buying groceries or paying any bills waiting for income and I was getting too sick to stand more than five minutes before the pain overwhelmed me. Still thinking I was struggling with posture problems from being too fat, I just kept trying to diet it away. I really had no idea just how much of my intellect was being sucked away and just how stupid I now was.

But anyway, we quit using the accountant and gave up on the debt. Dan was singularily unwilling to give up a penny to taxes and any attempt to bring up the subject resulted in loud shouted ranting about taxes being theft.

I was too sick to care. 

Well I had cancer, and I did the things with the doctors and got more disabled and got stronger and kicked Dan out. Well I had to apply to the federal government for red tape reasons to satisfy the provincial government that someone else wasn't going to supply any income to me. This restarted all the legal BS with CRA who are sending me threatening letters again. 

Now they're going to put a lien on my house. Pah.  Of course. I always expected that. Well frankly, didn't realize I could have gotten away with selling it previously and probably used the money to buy another house somewhere else.  I really thought, and I am probably right, they'd intercept the sale proceeds and take their cut. Which would leave me with one or two months of living expenses and then homeless. 

What's got my nipples in a twist (funny to say that when I haven't got any) is finding out they legally can actually take my house from me before I sell or die.  I can't find squat on how often that happens but it definitely isn't impossible.

So now I"m all tensed up and unable to calm down or shut off my brain from worrying about THAT.

Will they drag me to court and stick me on a stand to scold me in person and give me shit for not being someone they like?

Will I we woken by cops one morning at 20 below to be tossed into the street in my underwear?  

I find myself wanting to act out the scenes in advance. Like if in my imagination I can Pown the judge, it will make me fee safer now.  But it won't. it won't stop the mind racing to race the mind, will it?

So then I wanted to just call someone and get it off my chest, all the worry.

Nobody to call, and in the past I've discovered that when you say you didn't pay taxes, every canadian alive shuts you down and scorns you. If I was laying bleeding out into the street with the sign on me "delinquent tax payer" they'd probably spit on me. Canadians are NOT that nice.  They're just nice to tourists and strangers. It's all virtue signalling. In point of fact, they're as brainwashed and spoiled and entitled as anyone else in the west. 

I will be fine if they toss me out. After the first couple weeks of sorting it out, anyway., I'll be free. Free of any and all responsibilities or expectations. Free to just not care about anything.

So I"m not that afraid of it?  I'm just anxious about how long it will take, will it happen or not, how stressfull is it going to get before they're done?

I do scene acting like pretending I"m in front of a Judge who wants me to bow and scrape and emote shame and is mad at me because I stand straight, speak loud and look him straight in the eyes. And eventually he sends me to jail for contempt because he doesn't like my attitude. Just like the school principle.

It's funny, really.  I've always followed the rules more or less. more than most folks. I know them better too.  

It's also funny that I consider myself a law breaking anarchist.

Thing is, I've never committed a crime.  Even this tax debt was someone else's commission.  I've always been a very honest person.  That much is definitely true without condition.

But from kindergarten onward, authority singles me out, points out how I am not like everyone else, and spends it's energy threatening and punishing me for it. Everywhere.  The elementary school principle threatened to beat me with a strap for hiding quietly in the school reading instead of going out to be bullied during recess and lunch.

Yep. He was going to strap me for hiding from the bullies.

No really, he told me that I had to go play with the other kids, no matter how much they teased me or hit me, because that was the only way I would learn to get along with them.

I heard this from every adult who ever dealt with my problem of being teased and bullied whenever I turned up. It was my fault and my problem and I better suffer it until I figure out how to please my bullies.

So yeah, I imagine the judge being just like that. Doesnt' pay any attention to who I am or my situation, just wants to make a point to the courtroom that he's in charge and the government always wins and he can send anyone to jail he wants to.

Like I give a shit at that point. 

I was going to go all day without my pipe as I did yesterday.  I did my budget on monday and after kicking out the last patreon subscription, sorry Simon, I have exactly 21.57/mth after fixed expenses.  

Obviously that's not keeping me in weed. So I'm trying to cut back and make it last for anxiety or pain days. And today, having gotten five threatening letters in two days, I think I'm going to be spending it high. I can't get myself to calm down.  

This helps.  Getting it out of my system.

Ultimately, there's nothing to do.  I would call them, but there's no use in it. They're going to just try and make me feel bad. They don't care and they've heard it before and they're sure I'm lying. So why waste my stress points on it? It won't stop them.  It might speed them up too. "I don't like your attitude."

Yeah, I can relate, trust me.