The next 50 years

It's so frustrating. They use expressions I don't understand, like "feel as if you are floating above your body.'  What does that mean? Are people actually perceiving themselves as floating or being metaphorical?  If metaphorical, can we find any other metaphors that might relate to something I've actually experienced?  I'm dead sure I'm disassociative but can't answer the checklists because of vague crap like that.  I'm still trying to figure out what not being disassociative would feel like. I have never thought my body was me.  just my vehicle. That the me which calls itself me is a small bit of brain tissue in the middle of my brain.  probably the hippocampus, not at all small really.  That if there is an animus, and it seems so, that this is a higher version of me, the wisdom part, the pipe to deity and truth and the heart. In this case using "the heart" in the metaphorical sense. The kind of things that activate the limbic system wit...

I pull my pocket knife out of my pocket and the person nearby recoils from me. I'm just cleaning my nails. We stop being friends.  I never quite get it. But he's afraid of me now.  I feel both equipped and hideously self consciously ugly when I wear tools on my belt.  I pull my multi tool out of my purse and it's a subject of conversation now, as is the contents of my purse, why I don't wear makeup (an excuse) and .... yeah, gender policing is a thing. I go to the fair to pick up a job at the fair breakdown. They hire people straight off the ground to grab a wrench and start pulling. I love wrenches and machines. Looks fascinating and exciting. I'm strong, I can dead lift almost 200 lbs in spite of being only 130 myself. Well I get turned down with laughter, dismissal and casual excuses.  One tells me they're full, move on, and then hires the drunken homeless guy who came up behind me. I wonder if that was demonstrative for me, to show me how deeply unworthy I a...

It would be so nice to say, no, it's not me, it's them, and believe it. All the years of rejection. And today something twigged me for the umpteenth time.  How often it was transness at play, not something about me specifically. Well, transness IS about me specifically.  But like, not the autism, the adhd, or some undx'd opathy.  Just the trans.  I was responding to a fellow who suggested I shouldn't get to call myself a gay man if I didn't know about X. Which was all in jest and clearly he thinks of me as male, which is easy online. So I remarked that I never got admitted to the membership in the first place due to "not having an outie."  AKA penis. I said they kept shoving me in with the girls. That I didn't get along with girls but boys kept mistaking me for one.  This isn't a revelation, but today feels more revelatory than usual. Because I was remembering it that wasy clearly for the first time.  Me always trying to hang out with boys and gett...

Feeling worse today than usual. It's not the grey skies and rain I don't think. It's feeling shame about a raven. The ravens in my trees have one offspring that isn't thriving. It can't stay up in the trees and it's been a week now. I've tried sticking it back in the trees. I've tried feeding it. I've picked it up and taken it to the back yard. Well the birds just don't appreciate any of my meddling and I'm second guessing every move I make. That's plus seeing the bird just sit there and seeming to be abandoned is stressing me. Then I was watching a video about a car that made me remember my teen years. All the boys I dated. I wanted so badly to make friends with them. I wanted to stand around an open car hood learning and joking. I wanted to learn to weld and sand and wear safety equipment and crack stupid jokes and be gross.  But they wouldn't let me. Because I'm a girl.  They would send me away. All they ever wanted from me was...

I get booted out of groups a lot. it's always very subtle.  I am bullied, or let known I'm unwelcome, or gently let go because I don't fit in, or some other socially correct way of removing someone who isn't actually doing anything wrong. I tell you, it's the frustration of my life. I don't mind being alone, I got used to that in childhood. But all the resources in the world are in human hands. I cannot go pick my own food, can't even grow any, try as I might every year.  I am making my own clothes but I don't gather and spin my own yarn (yet?).  Well you get the idea.  Everything needs other humans to co-operate.  Now the very wealthy can do recluse really well because people will co-operate for money quite readily.  So you just transfer some numbers and they do what you need. But where do you get that money in the first place? From other people. Either your family gave it to you, or someone wanted something you had bad enough to give you money. Or yo...

Another thing you can't just talk about with other people. Years ago when the internet was still wild and the police weren't around yet, you could find anything.  Anything digital anyway. If you wanted to know what a human looked like smeared out on the highway, the internet could show you. If you were curious about what exactly is kiddie porn, you could find it without ICE, which didn't yet exist, tracking your IP.   which is what I did. I looked it all up. BDSM, snuff porn, kids, beastiality. Etc.  I think I would not recommend this, the images don't leave your memory.  At any rate, one kid porn stuck with me because the child was expressing such voluntary joy and participating that it really created a dissonnance in my head and helped me to understand why the abusers are able to ignore the damage their doing. The kids hide it, and being resilient, seek joy in whatever situation they are in. Well thing is, you see, the kid in the video was just on the tv toda...

Once again I want to talk about something I'm not allowed to talk about!  Yeah that's right, one's opinion is not always allowed! In this case I'm not allowed to discuss race because I'm white.  Whites are only allowed to apologize if they talk at all on the topic.  In case you hadn't noticed. I'm not here to discuss how I feel about that. I see the reasons and I get it. I'm here because I heard a black woman say she's tired of hearing, among other things "don't be so aggressive" when she's being assertive.  I've heard that a million times too.  I finally get it. It doesn't mean "women aren't allowed to be assertive" it means "underlings aren't allowed to assert themselves" whomever that underling may be in the group.  If it's a group of women, then the underling is possibly set by workplace heirarchy, but it may also be set by such things as race, or economic status.  While I'm white, ...

In my life I never shied away from exposing myself to disturbing images. The kind of things that don't even make it into horror movies and are whispered around the edges of the BDSM porn circuit.  I mean everything. If it came across my path, I examined it. In my mind, I always felt like I was supposed to prepare myself for a fight against evil one day. I thought that if I was going to tackle evil, I would need to understand it. I found within me, like the cores in yin-yang, that core of evil also. I studied it, I fed it scraps to see what it did, studied how I felt about that, watched how others behaved, asked why.  I asked both directly and indirectly. If the opportunity presented, rather than judging or teaching, I asked straight questions.  Not "what made you think that was ok" but "what was it you were after?"  Because non-judgmental questions get info, and when someone is drawn out to articulate their motives, they often start to question their motives for...

I don't want to leak this poison on others but I can't not describe what I saw just to feel like ? I don't know but it's a human thing, we witness or experience something horrific, we need to tell the story. In this case someone else told the story and I'm just affected, because it was spelled out in images. Recording. Just a video recorded by police helicopter who could do nothing else. A crowd blocked a freeway entrance and a semi truck with tanker trailer tried to rush them.  one man refused to get out of the way and the truck stopped at the last possible second. I don't know if the man got his foot run over but when the truck stopped, the crowd rushed it. The police vehicles were showing the people swarming the cab and the door being opened and a cluster of people moving from the door to the asphalt.  The distance was merciful as the camera resolution couldn't show the driver's fate. But too, did he just get a beating? Did anyone save him? Did he lo...