moments from the past transness p1 of infinity.

I pull my pocket knife out of my pocket and the person nearby recoils from me. I'm just cleaning my nails. We stop being friends.  I never quite get it. But he's afraid of me now. 

I feel both equipped and hideously self consciously ugly when I wear tools on my belt. 

I pull my multi tool out of my purse and it's a subject of conversation now, as is the contents of my purse, why I don't wear makeup (an excuse) and .... yeah, gender policing is a thing.

I go to the fair to pick up a job at the fair breakdown. They hire people straight off the ground to grab a wrench and start pulling. I love wrenches and machines. Looks fascinating and exciting. I'm strong, I can dead lift almost 200 lbs in spite of being only 130 myself. Well I get turned down with laughter, dismissal and casual excuses.  One tells me they're full, move on, and then hires the drunken homeless guy who came up behind me. I wonder if that was demonstrative for me, to show me how deeply unworthy I am of that world?

The lawyer I use still thinks I'm a ball breaker type woman who gets what she wants or everyone suffers. Because I'm masculine in my mannerisms.  I speak directly and firmly with confidence. So I must be a battle axe type, eh?  Unless I was male, of course, then in fact I might turn out somewhat humble in their esteem. Or merely trustworthy. Possibly just as a bullshitter, of course. Really, do you see why I'm sick of people?

"don't sit like that, it's gross, close your legs." "Smile, you're a pretty girl/woman/lady and you shouldn't ruin that."  "your beauty is your most important asset, do not do anything to jeopardize it."  (that last is codified and dogwhistled, never stated straight up.  Joked about and reinforced, but not stated.)

"it'll come to you, it's natural, you're female, you'll get it figured out, you're just a bit confused." 

"then why is there a department of child services if everyone with a womb is automatically gifted at mothering upon the arrival of her baby?" "Also, how is this knowlege then transmitted anyway? it sounds better than school!"

"how can you not enjoy women when you are one? you're just being silly, now get in there and have fun!"

"OMG how could you SAY something like that?"

"Oh you're so outrageous, hahaha, what a joke" changes the subject.

"you're trying too hard, just be yourself!"

"Life isn't a one way street, you have to try a little too, you can't just be  yourself all over the place."

"Do you want people to think you're crazy?"

"You ought to be medicated."

"You're crazy."

"Oh, LOL, you're nuts but we love you anyway.  But you really need to learn not to say such things!  Imagine, thinking you're a man in a woman's body.  That's just crazy.  A woman can't be a man and a man can't be a woman."

So here's what I still don't get. When do the hormones make me think like a girl?  it's past menopause now.  Also, now that I'm taking testosterone, will my thinking change or seem natural to other people?  Hmmmmmm? 

I think there will be more of this. I think this is the processing I need to do this summer.  

Also, my voice is deep enough to pass as male on a video. Just not sure what my face looks like to others.