rethinking
I get booted out of groups a lot. it's always very subtle. I am bullied, or let known I'm unwelcome, or gently let go because I don't fit in, or some other socially correct way of removing someone who isn't actually doing anything wrong.
I tell you, it's the frustration of my life. I don't mind being alone, I got used to that in childhood. But all the resources in the world are in human hands. I cannot go pick my own food, can't even grow any, try as I might every year. I am making my own clothes but I don't gather and spin my own yarn (yet?). Well you get the idea. Everything needs other humans to co-operate. Now the very wealthy can do recluse really well because people will co-operate for money quite readily. So you just transfer some numbers and they do what you need.
But where do you get that money in the first place? From other people. Either your family gave it to you, or someone wanted something you had bad enough to give you money. Or you did something so well people would give you money for it.
I hit three strikes all the above. Now I have to have that other elusive factor, likeability. Or whatever. Truthfully that's the problem. What the hell is so wrong with me? I've been working on every aspect of my personality to be easier to get along with. I cannot say if I've succeeded because there's nobody around me I can trust to be honest. The nice people can't stand to say something rude and the rude people can't stand to say something nice.
So I think often on it.
I have another reason now why I've been rejected. I already knew some rejected me for being a moral degenerate. I smoke marijuana, think sex is healthy human recreation, and openly comment on my transness. I'm pagan and shamanic and think too highly of myself in that regard. I'm too smart for my own good. People sometimes hate on me for my good qualities, the ones I expect them to respect. Instead, they resent me for it.
And now there's another to add to it. I'm honest. Simply that. I'm honest. What that means is I'm not going to keep secret when I witness cheating and dishonesty. Which results in my immediate removal by any means from the scene of the activity in which someone is being dishonest. Get it yet? There's always a dishonest person in charge of the group or working to take over the group. Always. That person sees me coming a mile away and it's "nuh uh, not today, bitch, you are not staying here."
Now we get to this one, the coup de grace, the one that gets to people who like me and get to know me. I'm wildly intuitive. Excessively. Like I know your secrets before you do intuitive. So now they have to trust me to keep their secrets.
I remember a situation where I was cleaning an office for someone who was quite fond of me and I of them. Said individual over time developed an embarassing medical condition. After about six months of cleaning for him, he suddenly went refrigerator and wouldn't let me in his office at all anymore, telling me to stop cleaing and leaving the door locked. I never understood exactly why, but kind of figured he was embarassed towards me over my knowlege of him. Too intimate.
It hurt my feelings but what can you do? I was nobody. He was the top dog. He's gone now, his name on a plaque in a building I never see. I learned to pronounce his very difficult name to show him respect. But I don't know if he caught that.
Well anyway, there's been so many little tiny heartbreaks like that. There really has. It's the final nail in why I don't want to try anymore. I just don't. I wish I was a butler. Then I'd be allowed to be this way and trusted with my knowlege at least until I betrayed someone.
I tell you, it's the frustration of my life. I don't mind being alone, I got used to that in childhood. But all the resources in the world are in human hands. I cannot go pick my own food, can't even grow any, try as I might every year. I am making my own clothes but I don't gather and spin my own yarn (yet?). Well you get the idea. Everything needs other humans to co-operate. Now the very wealthy can do recluse really well because people will co-operate for money quite readily. So you just transfer some numbers and they do what you need.
But where do you get that money in the first place? From other people. Either your family gave it to you, or someone wanted something you had bad enough to give you money. Or you did something so well people would give you money for it.
I hit three strikes all the above. Now I have to have that other elusive factor, likeability. Or whatever. Truthfully that's the problem. What the hell is so wrong with me? I've been working on every aspect of my personality to be easier to get along with. I cannot say if I've succeeded because there's nobody around me I can trust to be honest. The nice people can't stand to say something rude and the rude people can't stand to say something nice.
So I think often on it.
I have another reason now why I've been rejected. I already knew some rejected me for being a moral degenerate. I smoke marijuana, think sex is healthy human recreation, and openly comment on my transness. I'm pagan and shamanic and think too highly of myself in that regard. I'm too smart for my own good. People sometimes hate on me for my good qualities, the ones I expect them to respect. Instead, they resent me for it.
And now there's another to add to it. I'm honest. Simply that. I'm honest. What that means is I'm not going to keep secret when I witness cheating and dishonesty. Which results in my immediate removal by any means from the scene of the activity in which someone is being dishonest. Get it yet? There's always a dishonest person in charge of the group or working to take over the group. Always. That person sees me coming a mile away and it's "nuh uh, not today, bitch, you are not staying here."
Now we get to this one, the coup de grace, the one that gets to people who like me and get to know me. I'm wildly intuitive. Excessively. Like I know your secrets before you do intuitive. So now they have to trust me to keep their secrets.
I remember a situation where I was cleaning an office for someone who was quite fond of me and I of them. Said individual over time developed an embarassing medical condition. After about six months of cleaning for him, he suddenly went refrigerator and wouldn't let me in his office at all anymore, telling me to stop cleaing and leaving the door locked. I never understood exactly why, but kind of figured he was embarassed towards me over my knowlege of him. Too intimate.
It hurt my feelings but what can you do? I was nobody. He was the top dog. He's gone now, his name on a plaque in a building I never see. I learned to pronounce his very difficult name to show him respect. But I don't know if he caught that.
Well anyway, there's been so many little tiny heartbreaks like that. There really has. It's the final nail in why I don't want to try anymore. I just don't. I wish I was a butler. Then I'd be allowed to be this way and trusted with my knowlege at least until I betrayed someone.