more depressed than usual

Feeling worse today than usual. It's not the grey skies and rain I don't think. It's feeling shame about a raven. The ravens in my trees have one offspring that isn't thriving. It can't stay up in the trees and it's been a week now. I've tried sticking it back in the trees. I've tried feeding it. I've picked it up and taken it to the back yard. Well the birds just don't appreciate any of my meddling and I'm second guessing every move I make. That's plus seeing the bird just sit there and seeming to be abandoned is stressing me.
Then I was watching a video about a car that made me remember my teen years. All the boys I dated. I wanted so badly to make friends with them. I wanted to stand around an open car hood learning and joking. I wanted to learn to weld and sand and wear safety equipment and crack stupid jokes and be gross. 
But they wouldn't let me. Because I'm a girl.  They would send me away. All they ever wanted from me was a mother to their sons or a weekend fling. That's all I ever amounted to in anyone's eyes. A future mother or whore and the rest was busy work till I got married.  Socializing? They kept sticking me with the women. I don't get along with women. I have nothing in common with them and feel no kinship and do not enjoy their pursuits or appreciate their interests. And they do not appreciate mine. In fact I was criticised for them. I was criticized and corrected at every turn. Constantly being told how a lady behaves and that I'm not doing it right. 
This continued until I gave up trying.
and now I'm feeling so lost and loney and pointless. I'm so not wanting to have to keep trying. I'm so tired of doing the same old things for no damn reason except being alive gets even worse if I don't. I'm so angry. 
I'm angry. 
I'm angry with the world for not giving me a place nor murdering me. I've no place and I'm not wanted and I can't leave. Like a stone in the path that can't move and keeps getting kicked and sworn at.
When I had the cancer I came out feeling confident. the world was going to make room for me now!  And it's been... four years. and I'm still worthless nothing. Nothing.  I am less valuable than dust.

Popular posts from this blog

End of January, good news mostly

I feel so solitary tonight. Like, I want to just talk about things but there's not really an outlet. I went to the knitting group for the 3rd week. I was proud to show off my socks but they were ignored, except maybe for the dude who soon after went from sitting beside me to sitting across the room and table from me. Swiftly, much less. I found that move so pointed I just packed up and left. After all, I wanted to learn socks and I did.  This has me having to think more deeply about my desire for community vs my nerves. See, another thing I just figured out is what ails me. It's not CFS, or MS or another mysterious nervous system disorder. No, it's simple nervous exhaustion. I didn't realiize itcould manifest like this.With such a wide range of alarming symptoms. So I am now adding nerve system rest to my lifestyle. One way is to lay quiet with ablindfold, possibly knitting, or with ambient or classical music playing and no ads. Another is to mask the city noises ...
Read more

why I do my own hair

I booked myself in for a hair appointment yesterday.  I thought it went well, although during some points I sensed she'd turned on me.  However, she was too professional to be obvious about it so I wasn't able to know if it was paranoia or instinct, you know?  I mean, normal humans would sense these things clearly, I'm just left with a vague uncertainty I can't trust.  I can't ask anyone about it as they'd always lie.  Humans always lie.  That's the problem.  They lie, and they expect you to do the same and I just can't. I got done my hair appointment, she tried giving me a discount, several times, as though she'd done something horrible to me, but I was innocent yet.  When I was giving my hair a better look in the bathroom I finally realized she'd swapped the pink and blue colours and I had blue hair with pink accents instead of pink hair with blue accents. I stopped by the salon to make sure she knew, and she acted like she thought that was w...
Read more

does anyone care?

"Meltdowns can take the form of screaming, crying, physical aggression or it can be a shutdown where there is no speaking or activity. In either situation the person with ASD is in tremendous distress. Their safety and emotional stability should be the top priority above all other considerations." I saw this video of a kid having a tantrum and his dog interfering to comfort him. It was titled "dog helps asperger's kid with meltdown."  It was exactly the kind of emotional meltdown I suffer all too frequently. It left me weeping.  Why?  Because everyone seemed to give a damn about the kid's emotional distress.  I've never experienced that.  When I hit emotional distress it's always been a case of "oh there she goes again, taking over the room with dramatic hysterics.  Get her out of here and make sure she regrets it." Now I see above that there are people who actually think it's not okay for someone like me to feel the way I do so oft...
Read more