deconstructing mental health "symptom lists."

It's so frustrating. They use expressions I don't understand, like "feel as if you are floating above your body.'  What does that mean? Are people actually perceiving themselves as floating or being metaphorical?  If metaphorical, can we find any other metaphors that might relate to something I've actually experienced? 

I'm dead sure I'm disassociative but can't answer the checklists because of vague crap like that.  I'm still trying to figure out what not being disassociative would feel like. I have never thought my body was me.  just my vehicle. That the me which calls itself me is a small bit of brain tissue in the middle of my brain.  probably the hippocampus, not at all small really.  That if there is an animus, and it seems so, that this is a higher version of me, the wisdom part, the pipe to deity and truth and the heart. In this case using "the heart" in the metaphorical sense. The kind of things that activate the limbic system without first checking in on the cognitive part of the brain. That's the part where I feel like "me" lives and spends it's time. Like the prefrontal cortex is a control center where decisions are made. The emotions are board members (fear has been ousted from the room for fear mongering and general chaos but is allowed to send memos.)

Now I think this would qualify as a type of disassociative state. But I'm not sure you could argue it's a bad thing! I can still examine, access and study my own emotions and motivations, and when the emotion storms are done, even study them objectively. I view emotional events as storms, likened to thunderstorms, snow storms, foggy days, etc. The limbic system isn't under our control but we can influence it with parts of the system which we can control  Limbic and cognitive, for instance, share the lung function. An important handle to the limbic system. But like a new rider on a horse galloping, I forget to use the reins. That is, I forget to breathe deeply enough.  The lungs are the reins for the limbic system. 

Turns out there's others in here with me too, but not in the MPD sense of other people. We are discovering that there are flora and fauna all over the body and some of it can communicate via the limbic system. Craving sugar? That's because you've got sugar loving bacteria in your gut. Wow, eh?  We haven't got more than a sniff of what's going on there, and since it might undermine the Great American Way, it's not being funded enough for study. No funds, no study, no science, no data for me.

So yah, I can't really say I'm "disassociative" but I damn well know I've got CPTSD.  

Oh here's another vague one. "may feel that their arms and legs are smaller than usual, or their head is wrapped in cotton."  I'm wondering, what, are they blind and deaf? Do they reach up and can't pick their nose or feed themselves or scratch their head because they think there's cotton in the way?  What about this tiny hands and feet thing? what? Do they look down and see a baby's body? or are they looking in the mirror and seeing a giant head? What's that even MEAN?  

And does it relate to feeling like there's lead in my bones and velvet in my skin and opium smoke on my brain?  Is that what they mean? Oh I just don't know. Nor do they I bet.

And if I did manage to translate all that, would I be stretching? Do I have to immediately say "oh yeah for sure" or toss the dx out the window? 

But I know I have CPTSD. Unquestionably. I've got the trauma history. I've got the triggers. I've got the problems. So why are the symptom list checkers so blasted vague and poetic?  

When I was a child, nobody taught me these common expressions of unwellness. Due to a combination of english as a second language for my parents, and the general dislike towards me, I didn't have those conversations. "Mom I don't feel well."  "is it your tummy?" "i don't know." "Well when you know, come back and tell me. I'm sure you're fine. you look fine. Go back to bed."  I had to be in a critical state to get attention, well beyond any dialog.  

See, my family hated me. They made me the whipping boy of the family.  My needs were always too much trouble and my wants were unworthy and if anything went wrong, somewhere at the root of it, I'd done something to create the problem and we would always get to the root of it. If I couldn't do something the first time I was hopeless and no point trying to teach me if I was going to get upset about it. 

I haven't even gotten to school yet. Nor discussed how being trans from the moment I learned about gender caused me to be rejected by everyone who might have had any ability to support me.  I was too autistic to lie about it or even hide it. Over and over I got in trouble for acting like a boy. So yeah, the bullying and rejection went from home into the wide world and continued until I gave up trying and went recluse. 

The world right now is making some right noises and I'm on Testosterone with my chest flat, so that's a big thing. But oh god, what kind of help can I get for my cptsd, for free? 

Maybe I'll be the one who writes the self help book.