The next 50 years

So I'm determined to go see Ayami at the hospital.  I'd like to give her a massage, she'd like it so much and I'd feel so valuable sharing that talent.  I'm very very good at it, but Dan's too ticklish so I've not done it for anyone in years.  It would feel good to reconnect with that side of me, the healer. But here's the thing, I'm sick again.  Well, I don't like the phrase I used, since it implies an illness and healing and stuff, and chronic conditions that come and go don't qualify.  But I mean in the sense of being in the middle of a run of "bad days" when I'm low on "spoons" to quote a disability meme.  My emotional control finally leveled over the weekend.  It's not cheerful at all, but I'm not bursting into tears as easily.  My muscle cramping in my back is at a high, although I'm on aspirin for the other problem right now, that'll probably settle the cramps.  Actualy, since I Haven't take...

She drew an e-cig from the tip of her long pointy hat and blew vape rings at me.  I knew then that this was no ordinary witch.  I cracked a rude joke and she started to cackle, then to cough.  That's when I passed her the bong. I thought about that while out cycling. Yeah, it's me, LOL, or at least a happy vision of me.  I don't think it's the vision others get of me but I like to pretend. So Dan seems more able to accept an ugly woman "turning into" a man, but not a man becoming female, especially an ugly woman.  He uses the genetics argument to defend himself, but I know it's sexual.  He, like so many men, sees it as an emasculation, a threat to the testosterone joy he values.  If it can happen to a man, especially one in his 60s, what's to protect any man?  If this man knew all along, why did he show no signs of it for six decades?  Valid questions, but not the ones they're asking.  They're asking stupid questions like why he couldn...

I did a pile of digging to find the model of my house that I made way back in 2007.  it took quite a while and I'm pleased at my success.  Along with it, I found my original design for the addition and I realized if we'd stuck to it, the thing would have gotten built. Okay, so I had this simple add-on room that would have doubled the space in here and allowed the basement to be turned into a bedroom.  It was lovely and I was quite pleased.  Before we could go ahead, I needed legal blue prints. So we found someone in the yellow pages and met with him.  I had print-offs of my designs and explained it.  By the time we were done we'd spent $850 on a massive build with basement, 14'high wall of windows, overlook on a hall, extra stairs to an elevated living room, and blueprints for it.  A structure we just never had the money to build.  We'd have to put so much down just to get the foundation built and there'd be all this digging with big machines and...

It occurs to me that living the last quarter century in a house that has less than 500 square feet, and only 325 as listed by real estate means I'm living in a tiny house. During these years I've developed a number of ways to fit my life into this tiny space and cope with the cluttering and keep it liveable. The first thing I ever did was rip a hole in the wall that divided the main floor.  There was the kitchen, and there was the living room.  I put shelving in the upper half of the main wall, leaving the studs intact and putting wooden shelves into them.  This kept the wall strong while opening it up to light and air.  I used them to store pickle jars of dry goods, spices, teas, and some knick knacks. Over the years shelving and paintings have battled over territory and there is at least one set of shelves using a painting hung from ceiling hooks as a cupboard door.  I've learned that items on open shelves really must be as uniform as possible, and made of a...

It just doesn't make sense to put humans on Mars.  In orbit around it, sure, but not on the planet.  Building a second space station that orbits mars would be brilliant and in time make fabrication possible, and certainly ease the challenge of bringing materials and machines to Mars.  Machines can already do pretty much everything we need under the control of an orbiting crew.  Mining, chemical analysis, surveying, shooting chemicals or seeds at the planet, all that.  Unless and until we can green Mars there's nothing there for a wetware human to do or eat or breathe or live on.  He'd be confined every bit as much to a base camp as the space station and as unlikely to drive out into the wilderness of the planet or explore.  We no longer need to drop humans like that and there still is no way for the human there to then fuel a vehicle to return.  If we focused on robots, they could find the prizes in martian soil for us, and when fuel was refined, ...

I guess giving up on thinking the world out of it's problems seems a tragedy because it's the only thing I've got left that I try to do for my society.  It seems like my intellect was my only gift and for it to have gone unused seems very sad. But you need either a personality or a penis to do more, regardless of your IQ. Maybe if I'd not been steeped in expectations by people trying to inspire me to rise to greatness I wouldn't be bothered so much at failing to rise even to mediocrity. I still remember people telling me that my IQ was a responsibility and I was going to be so valuable to the world because of it.  They waxed on enthusiastically about my childish potential, my creativity, my imagination, and how clever and pretty I was.  But there just was no way to maximize those talents while being autistic and just functional enough to get no targeted care or training or support. People just can't do it on their own and anyone who claims he did is lying or...

Dan's trying to get the water heater installed by 5pm but he's not going to quite make it. Pity.  He's close, though, quite close! I'm looking forward to a good hot bath!  I'm having a menses so washing on the deck in the gazebo/bath house isn't a nice option either.  I guess it's not so horrid in fact, only in idea, but the water needed re-chlorinating so I declined this afternoon.  I may have to anyway just to keep up standards if he can't get back to this job soon. I took Timmy on a long 6km walk that took 90 mins for the whole return trip from Broadway.  There wasn't much to see up there but I walked my hat around and got some compliments on it from passersby, and a small number of stink faces.  Christians really don't like it, expecially the older ones.  I added another decoration, a lace netting with beaded decoration on it.  The netting is black, the beads dark peacock irridescence.  It's meant to go over a tee shirt and jazz it up ri...

Minecraft mobs have me thinking more deeply about compassion and empathy. A mob is a virtual creature of several varieties, from monsters to food animals.  There's pigs, cows, chickens, sheep, zombies, etc.  These run as independant non-player characters, including villagers who are almost like humans.  To have assorted independant characters in the game requires a little artificial intelligence.  They need a set of rules about how they interact with the player and the environment, and have to be able to react to random events caused by the human player, as well as each other (wolves hunt and kill sheep for instance) or the terrain and it's changes.  Terrain rarely changes without the player's interference, but another mob, like an exploding creeper, might change terrain too. As you play it's quite common to see a mob in distress.  A sheep stuck on a ledge, a cow stuck over a hole you've made, a pig that doesn't know which way to go, or even their distres...

it's always summer that breaks my habits, whether it's a regular game I play, group I check in with, or hobby I pursue.  There's just so much more grabbing my time and attention in summer.  I know this, and I value the real things of Summer too much to change it, but I do regret when the thing is not picked up again come autumn.  With a blog/diary this is extremely easy to neglect!  It's even more so as Summer is generally less miserable for me and I write when I'm miserable. That being said, I can say I've been too miserable to write this last week.  Stress has caused unspeakable horrors to my nether regions and the discomfort and illness and exhaustion resulting from said horrors has been a serious challenge.  There were a few days when all I could do was lay around crying!  I surprised myself each time by actually getting up from resting and getting things done but if it weren't for the rainy weather we'd had this week I'd have dead garden plants...