get happy/sad/mad/tired
She drew an e-cig from the tip of her long pointy hat and blew vape rings at me. I knew then that this was no ordinary witch. I cracked a rude joke and she started to cackle, then to cough. That's when I passed her the bong.
I thought about that while out cycling. Yeah, it's me, LOL, or at least a happy vision of me. I don't think it's the vision others get of me but I like to pretend.
So Dan seems more able to accept an ugly woman "turning into" a man, but not a man becoming female, especially an ugly woman. He uses the genetics argument to defend himself, but I know it's sexual. He, like so many men, sees it as an emasculation, a threat to the testosterone joy he values. If it can happen to a man, especially one in his 60s, what's to protect any man? If this man knew all along, why did he show no signs of it for six decades? Valid questions, but not the ones they're asking. They're asking stupid questions like why he couldn't leave well enough alone, what were his baser motives?
Truth is, we'll never know why this or that individual felt the need, but compassion is why we must embrace and support their choice. We don't have to engage in coitus with these folks, we just have to give them a place in our community and treat them as dignified equals. Why is that too much to ask?
That's not to say you shouldn't choose a transgender for your lover, just that you aren't somehow required simply because you welcome him or her as your friend.
Not all transgenders go ahead with the process. Some never even experiment. There are plenty of reasons to leave it as it was, to live the life you're handed whether it suits you or not. It's a weighing of challenges. Which lifestyle challenges does one feel more able to face? The whole period leading up to a sex change is a long drawn out process of trying to figure out which hell is less horrible! Do you continue feeling like a lousy and unwilling member of your gender, or make of yourself an outcast while finally feeling good in your skin? Then when you've decided that the person you're around most is the one you'll please, you still have to have an enormous amount of cash at your disposal to make it happen. Despite efforts from concerned parties, TG surgery is not covered by any health plan yet.
For women to men conversion, it's not even possible in the fullest sense. A dick is yet not a thing we've learned to artificially create. We can create facsimiles with flesh and wire and pneumatics or hydraulics, but it won't have the same sensation and it most assuredly won't perform all the functions.
Granted, neither can we create a womb and ovaries, but a phallus can be modified in surgery to allow for most of the sexual function to transfer and enable a pretty normalized sexual experience. The same cannot be said for female to male.
So reasons a person might keep it in and live the role handed by biology include technology and science. Why pipe up and take the social hits for something so outrageous if it's just not going to work for you? The need in the first patients who faced no data and potential mutilation must have been very strong indeed.
I'm having trouble understanding compassion of late. I know how to feel it well enough. I have no trouble finding empathy and wanting to care. But what's getting me is my lifelong experience of being dismissed for having emotions. The mere fact of my emotions is the signal that they are irrelevant. Their existence proves their irrelevance.
Okay, so like, the fact that I'm crying about something is proof that it's trivial. "oh, it must be a drama play because she's playing it over the top, otherwise she wouldn't flat out cry, she'd squeeze out a delicate tear and a sniff."
If I was sincere, I guess they reason, I would have better emotional control. Or if my emotional control is that bad, then I'm hazardous, could get violent. Then when they see that my actual self control, even in the midst of these violent emotional storms, stands fast and firm, they presume again that I'm devious.
No, here's the thing, I have violent emotions. Extreme, huge. It's like being at sea in a hurricane, every day. In order to avoid a life in a cage I have had to cultivate a lot of self control. I can make myself sit in the dental chair (I'm dental phobic too) while he works on me without further pain killers if I decide it's necessary. I have at times demonstrated the ability to power through injurious experiences because I decided to, even though it's extremely painful and i know I'm doing myself bodily harm. Things like working too hard to prove yourself, or suffering pain to rescue an animal in distress.
I don't want to start recalling these events, they're shrouded and foggy and it seems like bragging. My point is about that I cry and have rages, but I don't say things I later regret, I don't damage things around me, and I don't assault the ones I love.
My one caveat is that I'm very frightening when I rage and this is harmful to the tender pets around me to witness. I'm working on that, but the rage, well it takes me over and yelling was my way of avoiding the volcanic eruptions that endangered me. Now I am working to find a recipe that prevents me getting that heated up at all, but my emotions are so strong, and so insistent, I fear I may require a level of calm around me that is unreasonable to ask.
If I was a buddhist I'd move to a monastery or nunnery where they aren't allowed to talk. I'd take up some kind of useful hobby, perhaps keeping the floors nice, and just be. They'd take care of me in return and I wouldn't have to worry about it.
I wonder, would I want to see the world too much to sit that still? I think my drive to leave saskatoon is the same as what drove me here, the need for community. That need has as much to do with future fear as any immediate need for companionship. That's what I need to address, I guess, as I have over and over in my life, my future fear. You know, the sense of needing to plan for the future in some way. It drives people to live like paupers all their days only to have a grand funeral. It drives people to treat others abusively only to find themselves being abused by strangers. It destroys trust and spoils your moments. it was forbidden by JVH in his tome as part of letting JVH make the decisions and direct. The ancient pantheists called it Fate and said she would utimately decide how it goes.
I believe in a version of fate. More like Destiny, I suppose, but directed by the part of yourself that worries about life after death. Before you were born, that part of you, your soul, chose the circumstances of your birth. Then throughout your life, drives you to make choices that keep you lined up for the very experiences originally intended for that life. While you CAN make drastic changes, it's only when you get the point of that lifeline that you will actually make them. The facility for free will is about being able to move on from a lesson when you've learned it, for all we try and dodge them with it.
But there's where my trust falters. Just because it's good for you doesn't mean it'll be fun. I'm afraid of the lessons to come, they seem painful and pointless and there just enough pleasure in my world for me to merit the struggle. I can't reach out and appreciate the pleasures I do have right now either, and that's partly because I'm in such a state of stress.
Back to that. My emotions this last year or two are out of control, completely. I can't stand it anymore and it's not quitting.
Cry forever? No thank you. I never thought it was possible to cry to often. Sooner or later, I always thought, you pull out of it. It's not like that's a fun state to be in! yet here I am trying to figure out HOW to pull out of it. What ingredients to the formula? What proportions? What is available? What is necessary? What can I try that I've never tried and how to implement said effort? And all the time, trying to figure it out gets my emotions going and that shuts down the cortex where the good thinking is done.
Trying not to figure it out just has me feeling a vague negativity about everything. Just feeling like nothing is really all that interesting, and I let my health slack and my chores get less done and I'm generally more and more pudding and less and less robot. It's hard to care without caring.
Either I don't care about anything, or i care too much about everything. I was built without an automatic adjustment for that.
so I listen to people who tell me the secrets to happiness and I try and try to implement their ideas against my own personal lacks and challenges.
I don't know. I feel like such an ass.
I thought about that while out cycling. Yeah, it's me, LOL, or at least a happy vision of me. I don't think it's the vision others get of me but I like to pretend.
So Dan seems more able to accept an ugly woman "turning into" a man, but not a man becoming female, especially an ugly woman. He uses the genetics argument to defend himself, but I know it's sexual. He, like so many men, sees it as an emasculation, a threat to the testosterone joy he values. If it can happen to a man, especially one in his 60s, what's to protect any man? If this man knew all along, why did he show no signs of it for six decades? Valid questions, but not the ones they're asking. They're asking stupid questions like why he couldn't leave well enough alone, what were his baser motives?
Truth is, we'll never know why this or that individual felt the need, but compassion is why we must embrace and support their choice. We don't have to engage in coitus with these folks, we just have to give them a place in our community and treat them as dignified equals. Why is that too much to ask?
That's not to say you shouldn't choose a transgender for your lover, just that you aren't somehow required simply because you welcome him or her as your friend.
Not all transgenders go ahead with the process. Some never even experiment. There are plenty of reasons to leave it as it was, to live the life you're handed whether it suits you or not. It's a weighing of challenges. Which lifestyle challenges does one feel more able to face? The whole period leading up to a sex change is a long drawn out process of trying to figure out which hell is less horrible! Do you continue feeling like a lousy and unwilling member of your gender, or make of yourself an outcast while finally feeling good in your skin? Then when you've decided that the person you're around most is the one you'll please, you still have to have an enormous amount of cash at your disposal to make it happen. Despite efforts from concerned parties, TG surgery is not covered by any health plan yet.
For women to men conversion, it's not even possible in the fullest sense. A dick is yet not a thing we've learned to artificially create. We can create facsimiles with flesh and wire and pneumatics or hydraulics, but it won't have the same sensation and it most assuredly won't perform all the functions.
Granted, neither can we create a womb and ovaries, but a phallus can be modified in surgery to allow for most of the sexual function to transfer and enable a pretty normalized sexual experience. The same cannot be said for female to male.
So reasons a person might keep it in and live the role handed by biology include technology and science. Why pipe up and take the social hits for something so outrageous if it's just not going to work for you? The need in the first patients who faced no data and potential mutilation must have been very strong indeed.
I'm having trouble understanding compassion of late. I know how to feel it well enough. I have no trouble finding empathy and wanting to care. But what's getting me is my lifelong experience of being dismissed for having emotions. The mere fact of my emotions is the signal that they are irrelevant. Their existence proves their irrelevance.
Okay, so like, the fact that I'm crying about something is proof that it's trivial. "oh, it must be a drama play because she's playing it over the top, otherwise she wouldn't flat out cry, she'd squeeze out a delicate tear and a sniff."
If I was sincere, I guess they reason, I would have better emotional control. Or if my emotional control is that bad, then I'm hazardous, could get violent. Then when they see that my actual self control, even in the midst of these violent emotional storms, stands fast and firm, they presume again that I'm devious.
No, here's the thing, I have violent emotions. Extreme, huge. It's like being at sea in a hurricane, every day. In order to avoid a life in a cage I have had to cultivate a lot of self control. I can make myself sit in the dental chair (I'm dental phobic too) while he works on me without further pain killers if I decide it's necessary. I have at times demonstrated the ability to power through injurious experiences because I decided to, even though it's extremely painful and i know I'm doing myself bodily harm. Things like working too hard to prove yourself, or suffering pain to rescue an animal in distress.
I don't want to start recalling these events, they're shrouded and foggy and it seems like bragging. My point is about that I cry and have rages, but I don't say things I later regret, I don't damage things around me, and I don't assault the ones I love.
My one caveat is that I'm very frightening when I rage and this is harmful to the tender pets around me to witness. I'm working on that, but the rage, well it takes me over and yelling was my way of avoiding the volcanic eruptions that endangered me. Now I am working to find a recipe that prevents me getting that heated up at all, but my emotions are so strong, and so insistent, I fear I may require a level of calm around me that is unreasonable to ask.
If I was a buddhist I'd move to a monastery or nunnery where they aren't allowed to talk. I'd take up some kind of useful hobby, perhaps keeping the floors nice, and just be. They'd take care of me in return and I wouldn't have to worry about it.
I wonder, would I want to see the world too much to sit that still? I think my drive to leave saskatoon is the same as what drove me here, the need for community. That need has as much to do with future fear as any immediate need for companionship. That's what I need to address, I guess, as I have over and over in my life, my future fear. You know, the sense of needing to plan for the future in some way. It drives people to live like paupers all their days only to have a grand funeral. It drives people to treat others abusively only to find themselves being abused by strangers. It destroys trust and spoils your moments. it was forbidden by JVH in his tome as part of letting JVH make the decisions and direct. The ancient pantheists called it Fate and said she would utimately decide how it goes.
I believe in a version of fate. More like Destiny, I suppose, but directed by the part of yourself that worries about life after death. Before you were born, that part of you, your soul, chose the circumstances of your birth. Then throughout your life, drives you to make choices that keep you lined up for the very experiences originally intended for that life. While you CAN make drastic changes, it's only when you get the point of that lifeline that you will actually make them. The facility for free will is about being able to move on from a lesson when you've learned it, for all we try and dodge them with it.
But there's where my trust falters. Just because it's good for you doesn't mean it'll be fun. I'm afraid of the lessons to come, they seem painful and pointless and there just enough pleasure in my world for me to merit the struggle. I can't reach out and appreciate the pleasures I do have right now either, and that's partly because I'm in such a state of stress.
Back to that. My emotions this last year or two are out of control, completely. I can't stand it anymore and it's not quitting.
Cry forever? No thank you. I never thought it was possible to cry to often. Sooner or later, I always thought, you pull out of it. It's not like that's a fun state to be in! yet here I am trying to figure out HOW to pull out of it. What ingredients to the formula? What proportions? What is available? What is necessary? What can I try that I've never tried and how to implement said effort? And all the time, trying to figure it out gets my emotions going and that shuts down the cortex where the good thinking is done.
Trying not to figure it out just has me feeling a vague negativity about everything. Just feeling like nothing is really all that interesting, and I let my health slack and my chores get less done and I'm generally more and more pudding and less and less robot. It's hard to care without caring.
Either I don't care about anything, or i care too much about everything. I was built without an automatic adjustment for that.
so I listen to people who tell me the secrets to happiness and I try and try to implement their ideas against my own personal lacks and challenges.
I don't know. I feel like such an ass.