The next 50 years

I was remembering a fly thing that happened in my childhood.  I was around 13 and being left alone all evening. This evening a blowfly crowd appeared out of "nowhere" in the kitchen hanging on the window and under the light.   It was hundreds of them and I knew they were flies which ate feces and rot.  I was absolutely freaked out.  I went at them with RAID of the sort meant for outdoors and ventilation. Could have killed myself too. I was realizing, geeze, I was WAY too young to be left alone all evening, and in another year, still too long for weekends and even fortnights in the house. Way too young. We were lucky that a rotten mouse was as bad as it got.  What if something had caught fire? Flooded? Essential equipment breaks?  I get injured? So many things that I as an adult know can happen in a house with nobody there, much less a young teenager.  However smart and responsible he was.  I couldn't handle a blowfly crowd without a permanent...

I will need to rest tomorrow. End of January. Weight, fluctuating between 120 and 125 depending on clothes, if I ate too much, whether or not I poop, or am dehydrated.. I haven't in fact emptied for nearly 2 weeks now. Next weekend perhaps I can go get an icecream or some other high lactose treat to trigger my belly. Nuff about that. I had an appointment today with a psych social worker. She only has 8 sessions, and we'll see what all she can do. At the very least she will be able to help with the disability and housing applications.  I could probably use legal aid to proper divorce dan, but the timing isn't right. At my current income I can't afford to have him not supply propane and pay the phone bill. and sometimes show up with some food. He brought food I ate yesterday. I overdid it yesterday and met my daily calorie loads.  It is hard to stay on track. I have things to cheer me up and take my sense of doom less seriously. I'm dead hungry, not the weight ...

 I booked a general physical with the NP and it was good.  We had a good talk, checked this and that, and he is arranging psych evaluations for me too. I am going for 100% of every evaluationI can get.  I'm going to do as badly on them as I can. I also explained to him why I don't think I qualify as depressed, so much as unhappy. My weight is pretty low, rings are spinning on my fingers, the spandex leggings are loose trousers, and my skin looks 80. WorkBC also has me scheduled for assessments.  I have a full schedule next week including one awful day involving getting on the bus by 6am.  I won't try to sleep early,  I know better.  I'll go in whatever shape I'm in. As I say, the worse I do, the better.  I need to be asessed at my least capable, not most.  Oh and there's going to be a transit and food allowance of some sort for one of them.  No idea what that entails but it's interesting and might be useful.  Certainly having my tra...

I realize that the dream of owning that house, believing it is already a done deal except the worldly formalities, has rescued me and my dogs. Rescued, I say. literally. Ok, so the state I've been in has been so bad I can't focus, can't interact with others, can't interface with the dogs except at the most basic level, and was neglecting everything. I was incapacitated to a high degree. Then I saw that house.Well, I realized an apartment is not going to work, if it can even happen. THEN I saw it. I knew there's not a snowball's chance in california that I could buy a small house on property if small ones even still exist. Everything is either a condo, no pets, or a mcmansion. And the yard work. Nope, nuh uh.I may require the separation but I am NOT up to the yard work. Well anyway, once I latched onto this I felt happy again. Now I"m affectionate with the dogs. I got a resume built. I'm getting funded for the IATSE course, and it may include fo...

Today I learned that my magic pomeranian has witnessed violence over spilt urine.  My Xolo tried to get me to let her out early and I utterly refused to get up.  If you saw the barricade in the way... Cleaning the rug is actually easier than getting up in a rush right now. Well she peed on the wool rug, dammit.  I got up and scolded her and got going for the day. Come to feed, the pomeranian's appetite is as poor as her mood.  Unheard of!  I saw her having strong fear reactions to the urine puddle so tried feeding her on the couch but she still couldn't handle it unless I fed her one chunk at a time. I thought maybe it was constipation and tried massaging her.  I eventually got her to eat it up and then gave her some extra lard, which then came up on the rug and the sidewalk aways... Well after Rene and I had been friendly together and nobody had been hit or threatened, she suddenly cheered up all bright and strong again.  Like, she'd seen dogs get bea...

Now don't get me wrong,I do not think of myself as manic depressive. Just all-in on emotions.   I've spent the day researching float homes and the last 24 hours just acting, talking and beliving the house is already mine. I just have to convince the humans of this.   But truth, however it happens it has to come with a modest income or i'm expected tosubsist 50+ years on the money it costs to buy the house. Based on current rate of outlay.   I mean, come on, I can't even live a whole year on this, I"m killing myself because it's too hard. The slip rental alone is nearly a thousand dollars. It does include all utilities, unmetered. Even internet I think.   Best part is I"m giving rent to first nations, not some settler landlord. Directly paying for my place, and it's not even on the land, LOL It's fair to say this is keeping me from being a sobbing mess on the daily. I just stay here in this world where I'm simply waiting for this to happ...

I was daydreaming, trying to invent another better scenario.  Ok, background.  I think I might have mentioned that I'm doing this anorexia thing too well and lost my health care provider's trust. So that left me hanging. No government help is going to get me housed. I figured, that's it, I really do have to starve myself. Then I thought, what if my mother died? She's due. I researched house prices there and her house would likely fetch enough to save me.  If it was passed to me.  But see, she's alive and kicking. So that's kind of a pipe dream too. Nevertheless, it's around her natural time as I saw it when I was young. She's due.  Exactly when I can't say but it's less than 5 years and might be this year.  According to my prescience, which has not been and cannot be verified. All the same, if she did die and leave me her house, and Carola could have the contents, all the jewellery and collectibles andknick knacks, and I guess a bank account coul...

 I had a blood test.  One of the tests measures creatinine. It's bad for the kidneys and happens when muscle gets digested.  I saw that and immediately wondered if mine would be elevated.  I'd had protien oncea week so far and was probably only burning fat all month. Well last wednesday my health care provider tried to call me on video app with  5 minutes notice.  I found this odd.  I only got the news an hour later and did install the app and try the link but he'd quit of course.  So I called them at the office. They said they'd get back to me.I did this again Thursday, they had no idea what I was talking about but said they'd get back to me.  It's Monday and they haven't. Now, you rush a contact to warn a patient of bad health. Or, perhaps, because you're emotional and angry because you feel lied to and manipulated.  At first I assumed the former but I'm dead sure now it's the latter.  I've been dumped.  It's been a rocky emo...

I had a blood test and the NP tried calling me but didn't give advanced notice.  Just pounded out a virtual appointment like "right now" which I missed.  Then for the next two days didn't get back to me. now it's saturday and I'm convinced I've lost my health care provider by fasting too carefully.  See, he's never met me, examined me or weighed me.  It's all on my say so.  The blood test would have been the first sign that I'm actually fasting.  The creatinine levels should be elevated.  But they might not be.  I'd had some chicken a few days earlier and I'd been eating, as I disclosed to him in phone calls, in order to maintain nutrients enough to avoid early organ failure.  If I've been doing this well enough perhaps, I don't know, it might have tanked those levels.  I'd call it a fasting success as I have factually lost 20lbs already.  But the weight loss is irrelevant as the NP has no weigh in on me, only what I wrote o...

I'm struggling so much between sadness and wanting so hard to hope. I really think if things were going to happen, they'd have started to happen.  I'd be hearing from someone, a counselor or social worker or advocate, by now.  And yet nothing.  I just struggle to believe it is at all possible.  Then I look at all the reasons I finally have to want to live and the hopes and dreams I was forming, and I get so frustrated. And sad. Ineffably sad. Then I walk the dogs past all the other sufferers and just don't know what to hope for. There's so many of us.  This morning my ostomy leaked and I had to clean the mess up with wet wipes. No jumping in the shower.  Fortunately nothing on any clothing or bedding but that can also happen and a tee shirt was ruined recently. It's gotten worse since I stopped eating and became unimpacted.  Twice a day a mudslide tries to make me shudder in disgust. or maybe slide under the appliance and make problems. Is this reason ...

Well, everyone else is including an about me section in their website so maybe I should too?  I dunno.  I'd rather force you to figure me out by getting to know me than by getting some shallow idea of me based on physical stats.  In fact, skip the stats, you don't need them.  No a/s/l.  I hate the question.  Till one knows someone well enough to have good cause to believe there's romantic potential, what difference does that info have anyway?   #1 question I hear, am I single?  Well that depends.  Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not.  I'm very loyal and won't even flirt if involved with someone.  So, while I'm not married, neither am I even vaguely interested in casual sexual relationships at this time.  So that means, get to know me, take your time, see if I'm that best friend you've been waiting to find, then worry about the rest.  Meanwhile I may get hitched to someone else :-) Hobbies, well mostly they've been eclip...

I want to tell the world but there is no way to.  you'll get it at the end. Ok, so I have been somehow meeting my nutrition profile without the calorie profile.  Well, not somehow. Mindfully and deliberately, frankly.  I do not want organ failure in January nor february.  While I already think the hope is lost, I have always operated on remembering that I don't know what I don't know.   So while I do need to get my bmi below 18 by the end of february or sooner, I do want to keep functioning.  Tiredness and hunger and poor sleep and body pain have been such constant companions for so long now it's fine. But organ failure two weeks before a solution turns up is not quite the story I want. So in case I'm wrong about things, I hold. That being said, here's what I'm eating and why. Firstly, daily, a tablespoon or two of gelatin. This has some protiens and more importantly, the building blocks of connective tissue. Skin, joints, tendons, even nerves and orga...

 It's january now. No counsellor, no social worker, no advocate and my panic issues are now ensuring I cannot go ask for help anymore.  I just freak out over it anymore.  Like big time. The trauma of being told no has gotten entrenched and I can't do it anymore.  There's one person still claiming to be doing steps toward solutions.  I also realized I was cozying up to a narcissist again.  Lemme tell you about Glynnis.  We were getting along the way I always do when a narc targets me. I thought I found a kindred spirit.  They do that.  Echo you so well you think they're like you, then tell you that they are.  Oh yeah, she's automagically got autism (neurodiverse I'll accept but she is no autistic) and she's instantly got an IQ 5 points above mine. But she isn't quite that smart. I know when someone's that smart. She's not quite as smart as me, or almost so. She's also way too good at people and far too gossipy to be autistic.  But th...