Think I lost my health care

 I had a blood test.  One of the tests measures creatinine. It's bad for the kidneys and happens when muscle gets digested.  I saw that and immediately wondered if mine would be elevated.  I'd had protien oncea week so far and was probably only burning fat all month.

Well last wednesday my health care provider tried to call me on video app with  5 minutes notice.  I found this odd.  I only got the news an hour later and did install the app and try the link but he'd quit of course.  So I called them at the office. They said they'd get back to me.I did this again Thursday, they had no idea what I was talking about but said they'd get back to me. 

It's Monday and they haven't.

Now, you rush a contact to warn a patient of bad health. Or, perhaps, because you're emotional and angry because you feel lied to and manipulated.  At first I assumed the former but I'm dead sure now it's the latter.  I've been dumped. 

It's been a rocky emotional labour.  Firstly, it's the end of a sliver of hope.  But it was false hope, and I knew that by January, because I'm urgent and if they were going to do anything they'd have gotten started right away. They did not.

Nothing.

So he's not done anything except the blood test and now, he's got the best excuse to forget about a problem patient he can't help. Ok.  Good for him.  

Me?  I can stop stressing about how to handle him.  He kept making big empty promises and it was becoming irritating.  Like, dude, where's that social worker or counselor you've been promising? Did you do it? 

No.  You are doing that BC thing where you speak out of both sides of your mouth..  or in other words, politely phrased lies. To be succinct.

So yeah, I did not think the system could help me. I did not think there was any chance at all.  It's why I've made this choice. 

See, way I see this I have 3 doors.  Door #1, sign myself over to my abuser. What most people think they'd choose because they don't have a clue.

Door #2, move out on the sidewalk and or shelters.  So many nopes to that I don't dare list them for breaking down.

Door #3, accept that what society has always really been saying and stop eating until I die. It's what everyone seems to actually want without anyone wanting to be the one who said it.

I think it's awfully grievous and unfortunate and wasteful.  It's ugly too.

But I'm spent and terrified and not eating is something I can actually do. Reaching out to ask for help is no longer something I can do. Not only have I exhausted the agencies but I've exhausted my nerves. I can't go in there blubbering and I can't not blubber on approach.   It's done.

Doctor dumped me. Agencies all said no.  My abilities cognitively are now about as good as a 14 yr old with CPTSD and I find it easier to work on not thinking aobut it and resisting hunger.  

In fact, hunger is my only stressor now. Well, and the usual back and head aches and the horror show of my ostomy and etc. ad nauseum.  nausea inclu. 

Ok, gotta pee.  I will  be around until the first week or two of March, possibly 3 weeks as I've never done this and can't estimate well how long it will take from refusing all intake to having a stroke or heart attack. 

But yeah, not much could save me now.  And I'm not looking for it.

So the bonus plus is I don't have to do all that crying and reliving awful feelings over and over to try and convince someone to give a damn about me. 

I think it is this which has caused me to develop such a strong reaction to trying to ask for help.  Too many retraumatizations every time I try and explain it and I have to explain it from the recepetionist to the assistant to the person in charge all before anyone decides if they can even help me at all. Then they scribble out some phone numbers to places where I've already played out this scenario and send me packing.

I just can't anymore.

I just won't try.

So what is a boy to do when he can'tr reach out and there's nowhere to reach anyway and disaster is looming? A disaster beyond my capacity to avert.

The angry man down the street is walking around trying to get attention with a loud voice.  It's not working.

I started wearing my blue striped suit that i made years ago.  I got too fat shortly after making it and now it fits well and looks ok for a home made suit.  My jacket lapel is embarassing is all. But it's warm and pretty to see in my periphery and it's silly to save it for anything when I've got 10wks left to live. I'm counting down the weeks.

I won't get truly scared till late February. That will be an interesting level to this challenge.  It's challenging now!

Oh, and here's the wizard's words on this. 

If magic there be then wizard I be.  If wizard I be, then you can't kill me. 

The fasting is strength, the magic is great, the rescue to come will not come too late. I must hold fast, I must face this fast,for this is the test, the one I must best.

Reason not the ways of spells, just do them hard and do them well.

Yeah, so the wizard loves to talk in rhyme, it amuses us.  Now, don't go thinking MPD,  it's much more like an actor except the wizard is my core self and the acting is what the world sees. They'd never believe the wizard is sincere and certainly not real.  But I AM getting itchy to wear more of my wizardly accoutrremonts and if it weren't too cold I'd wear the hat. But it won't cover my ears and back of my neck.

It's nasty cold out there!

Also time to walk my dogs.