I should check when last I posted

 It's january now. No counsellor, no social worker, no advocate and my panic issues are now ensuring I cannot go ask for help anymore.  I just freak out over it anymore.  Like big time. The trauma of being told no has gotten entrenched and I can't do it anymore. 

There's one person still claiming to be doing steps toward solutions.  I also realized I was cozying up to a narcissist again. 

Lemme tell you about Glynnis.  We were getting along the way I always do when a narc targets me. I thought I found a kindred spirit.  They do that.  Echo you so well you think they're like you, then tell you that they are.  Oh yeah, she's automagically got autism (neurodiverse I'll accept but she is no autistic) and she's instantly got an IQ 5 points above mine. But she isn't quite that smart. I know when someone's that smart. She's not quite as smart as me, or almost so. She's also way too good at people and far too gossipy to be autistic.  But these tells weren't IT.  I was visiting her in hospital spilling my beans like I do, and she kept saying that it sounds like Dan is trying to care for me and doesn't it count for something.

Well.

Well it took me awhile to take issue.  24 hours in fact to realize that a friend would say the same words in a completely different tone.  From sympathetic "at least he's doing something" to outraged "at least he's doing something" and the difference is significant.  She spoke for him, not for me.  My friend would speak for me. Tell me he owes a lot more, because he does. She did at one point a couple weeks ago, but she doesn't get it.  And she started spinning me a yarn while I sat spinning yarn (really nice ultrafine single and I"m proud) about her abusive marriage.  It didn't ring true and frankly she didn't get it out, she sidetracked herself before actually dishing any tea. Like, she hasn't been.  She might have been the abuser a time or two. 

Took me 24 hours to parse that and realize it. Just as well.  She was going to be more burden than boon.  I can hold her at this point as a good reference without putting myself into her embrace. What's more, both the women I don't trust are out sick leaving me as the most artist of the bunch. We are done already with this set  but I think next play will see me being asked for direction.  Possibly.  Well, probably not.  Even if these two are still out, I'm probably be out of commission by then too. 

I've been starving myself.  Well, over christmas I broke the fast with too much chocolate and a grilled chicken slice out of a mcd's burger.  I threw the rest away. Yesterday for instance it was a bag of quality street.  Jan 1 was two small santas, two counter chocolates and the chicken.  Christmas even it was a stack of lays stax, 3 small chocolate bars and 2 massive club size, over a week. 

So not exactly starving. 

But yesterday, see, I learned how much worse I am. Glynnis had insisted I try the salvation army. (also not healthy, she didn't listen when I told her I didn't want to) so I did try. Had a grand mal panic attack of the highest order. Fled swiftly uttering, over and over "nope, can't do it" like a moron.  Went to another local charity to try one more time to get help filling out my housing application. Got another "we don't know" and went home and lost my mind for a few hours and realized I am too crippled to survive. Too crippled now. I cannot do the most basic things I need to get by and this society doesn't have any intention of helping anyone.  Well unless I look good on the fundraising. I don't.  It's over, I"m fucked.

Dan tried today to argue and cajole me with "you have to" and "you must" and "we are going to make you." Like yeah, that sure motivates me to feel cared for. Oh fucking brother. 

The hilarious thing?  One fucking boiled egg is all it would take to make me break the fast, any day. Chocolate too.  if anyone was really trying it would be so damn easy to sabotage me. "here, eat this egg and drink this v8, just for me, just today." Nope.  Won't happen.

All anyone ever does for me is try to force me to do for myself. Whether it's in my capacity or not is irrelevant.  When they fail, they give up on me. They don't want to help me. They want me to stop being in need of help. Big difference. So the less I reach out, the less of that bullshit I have to face, right? 

There is no help.  I've tried them all.  they've all turned me away or ghosted me. It's why I often wonder if I'm the narcissist.  Which again means that starving myself is good and right and the best thing to do.

Who am I?  What am I?  Do I have any definition out of context?  If I am nobody to anybody then am I anybody at all? If I mattered, wouldn't I feel like it? Wouldn't I know I mattered?  

What is the value in intrinsic value if other humans don't agree?  How do you place value in anything if not in context with other humans?  How can I have value that is intrinsic since value is a human idea anyway? And if I have no value to anyone else, why should I fight and struggle as though I did?  For whom is this struggled carried out?  Not for me, I am not getting the value out of my existence. I do my best, don't get me wrong, but my resources are just too thin and my future just too uncertain and my relationships too fraught with conflict. I don't need much to be happy but I don't have it. 

I was thinking yesterday as I rocked and cried and ranted, that this was one reason I can't face the lost of my bus.  sure I might get a bed in a shelter but it's still public. Constantly on stage.  On display in front of others.  So dangerous. So scary.  They'll see all my anguish and dismay, they'll try and make me stop expressing it. They'll punish me for having feelings.  There will be no place to go feel them.  I'll always be around people who don't want to witness my feelings with no where to hide and get them out.  I'll wind up violently bashing my head into the wall screaming within 48 hours! No joke. No exaggeration.  I wouldn't last a week without private space to scream in. and then what? Kicked out of shelters, doing it in public on the street.  Then doing it in front of violent people in a prison, lights on, cameras rolling. Then doing it in a straight jacket with a pile of people squashing me, lost in delerium and hate and despair. 

Yes you can call it mind racing and catastrophizing all you like but I'm dead serious about my emotional grip. It's always been weak and having a hiding place has been my cope.  It's how I stay non violent. You stick me in the public eye 24/7 and they won't let me do my thing. I  won't be allowed to cry, much less scream and rant. when I start banging my head into things as I do when the stress becomes overwhelming, they will try to restrain me. At that point, what I call berserker mode but the pshrinks call "autistic meltdown" hits. I lose my cognition and become panicked animal. It's been a very long time since I got stuck in that state because I always had the ability to run away first. Take away my private space and I can't anymore.  I become one of those scary screaming people. Inhuman, unworthy, doomed.

Why shouldn't I starve myself instead?  I won't be dead yet in 8 wks, there's time for a door to appear.  But I do need to be in a position to quickly kill myself, properly, if things are still just in the promises stage. Because promises are garbage. 

I mean, if I can only find abusers to be my friends, is it even worth it anyway?  just sit here making things nobody appreciates. For nobody. To keep busy. 

yeah, well, that was my christmas binge, and I guess I have the impetus to resume proper fasting again.  Now, to be clear, there's a spoonful of gelatin every morning, a pack of seaweed once a day, two waters with lemon juice, all the salt and licorice root I want, and coconut water twice a week. I did also down 2 liters of chicken broth the last two weeks, but it was stripped of anything worth eating, they all are, so unless it's real broth I won't bother. The stuff on the store shelves has had all the fat and gelatin stripped and delivers almost nothing.

Oh yeah, the cheese, too, I ate cheese on christmas day?  New years?  between?  Yeah, bought some cheese too. I kept looking for those two boiled eggs in plastic that every store in saskatchewan sells but not a sign of boiled eggs anywhere.  Nobody does that here.  Been craving eggs for a month now but a dozen is too much food. I won't sabotage myself over and over like that. I made the excuse of it being the holidays, and more so, early stages when I can afford to slip a bit. But hell, I"m 130 pounds still.  My bmi doesn't even hit alarm mode till I lose another 30lbs.  Do I have the constitution to do that?  Dunno. I think I want to not talk about it anymore though. Well, Ok, the seaweed is calling me.