The next 50 years

I discovered that for half the price of a flatbed trailer we can get a nice long bus, often recently safety certified!  So that makes a lot more sense financially and practically.  Of course it also means mechanical concerns, and that it's a bus.  Buses have never been much welcome in the kinds of places tiny houses park.  But then they do have their own nomad community you soon catch up to, and they're pretty awesome people.  Probably better for us than the kind who cluster into intentional communities.  Bus people wouldn't have as many rules. Yes I'm saying "us" again.  I couldn't not communicate with Dan.  Firstly because he gets back on his best behaviour and I like that man.  When he's a nice guy, he's my friend.  If he could live in that state more routinely we wouldn't have a problem.  Also, I was listening to John Martyn and that song "may you never" (look it up on youtube, it's really good) came on. among the many loving...

When I was a kid we lived in a pretty untechnological world by today's standards.  Oh don't get me wrong, we were on the cutting edge, modern, replete with gadgets, gizmos and marvels!  There were little devices that sang to us and a box that showed moving pictures in full colour.  We had machines that let us pull thousands of pounds with only a light small old woman as a driver! Anyone, even a child could move a mountain. Well and so on, you know, we were only aware of how far we had come thence, not what was not yet invented, or how great our unsolved problems were, or the miracles that awaited us. Today, however, I can look back and see the changes.  Some are curses rather than miracles but that is always the way of it, isn't it? Take video.  I grew up on TV so there's always been some recourse to distraction from stories.  However, the TV often let us down in the early years.  You'd tune in and find only test pattern screens, or programming that ...

People are told to plan for their old age.  To ensure when they get sick and old, there's money to cover costs.  I never did.  I never ceased to hear about either.  My parents were bad for that. But in truth, suppose I was now sitting on as much surplus as I am debt.  Well what would be different?  How would that money help me find people to hire?  I can't find them now even before I discuss costs. How would that money help me bridge the gap and communicate with strangers or tolerate intimacy?  How would having money help me find any service people I could trust? Frankly I think that money would just be bled away by the wide world of hungry thieves.  There's so many "legal" ways to take your money, from inducing poor spending choices to outright taking money "fees, costs and taxes" and the cruelty of inflation.  Sure, the dollar value goes down, so your $1000 that you worked so hard to save would have to be worth far more, but the inte...

What a low day today for me.  Probably the cold grey and snow, I dunno.  I just feel like nothing is worth putting any energy into.  I don't feel like my mind and body would have the ability.  Well my body, probably.  My mind, however, doesn't want to focus, to think, or to do, but does want to be amused and excited! So it snowed.  Till this moment I presumed all the roads out there are sheets of ice but then I realized as soon as I got out of my residential neighborhood the well-trafficked roads will all be clear.  The ground isn't frozen yet and tires and engines warm the asphalt.  So I should consider shopping for wool.  That would be fun.  I want something suitable for the warp for my green sweater.  I got this amazing yarn years ago for my first loom and wove a small patch of fabric with it.  Said fabric was so poorly woven I spent yesterday tearing it apart. If I'm to warp up 3m at a time, however, I need a thin strong ...

After the birthday fiasco I realized he's not changing nor interested in changing, nor unaware what he's doing.  He's very devious and won't ever admit or come be honest.  I figured that out the year after we married.  He's never been able to stand up and be real in the face of anything unflattering.  I don't know why.  I don't care anymore.  I didn't want a fixer-upper in the first place and this man is killing me.  His wanton destruction of my ego and peace of mind is deliberate and petty.  It's nothing more than schadenfreud towards someone he simply doesn't like. I could sit and analyze why he hates me but it's irrelevant.  Love has turned to hate and it's simmering quietly and coming out in petty little jabs and aggravations.  He's always neglected me and always fought me whenever the opportunity presented, as though my function was to play windmill to Don Quixote. He's unfailingly negative and pugilistic.  He stomps on any...

Finally, someone's given it an official existence. All my life I've cried and laughed too hard, gotten too angry, and generally had mountains of difficulty with emotional control.  I've worked hard on it and reached the point where I trust my physical control no matter how bad my emotions are.  I won't do anything from my emotional center.  what's more, it often feels like the emotion is driven by the emotional display that comes up way too soon with far too much force, taking me over like a whirlwind.  I've learned to stand in the center of that hurricane and contain it, but it damages my body and brain and causes me stress.  What's more, it causes me to be dismissed from human company. Whether I'm seeking medical attention, employment, or company, my overreactions are intolerable to others. Is it autism?  Or a co-morbid brain injury?  I did in fact have a brain injury at age 4 and the scar on my scalp remains.  Doubtless the brain also has on...

So I've told dan several times, including recently, don't point out that it's my birthday when it comes.  I told him the whole thing stinks and depresses me because it's not a birthday and nobody wants to celebratte my birth anyway.  It's not like he's going to do anything to make it a happy birthday, that's been proven for the last ten years.  So far as he's concerned, telling me "happy birthday" in the morning meets his obligations. Last week he had a birthday.  I don't buy him a present or bake him a cake anymore.  He doesn't appreciate anything much and anyway, can buy his own stuff.  It's his money I'm spending, right?  But it started out horrible so I didn't wish him a happy birthday till we could sort out the horrible via replacing the massive check that had just bounced and left us well in debt and facing spiralling bank fees. Then I decided to figure out how to make it a happy day.  Not just play lip-service to th...

Dan was telling me all about something at work in which he'd managed to calm a disgruntled customer over the phone.  I said to him, "See, why can't you be as polite with me as with customers? We'd get along a lot better!  You'll see, I respond really well to niceness!"  So he says "If you were my customer I wouldn't work for you." Then he chuckles.  I said "no, I'm not really that awful am I?"  Then he chuckled a bit more and said "just kidding!"  Well I know that phrase.  It means "don't hold me responsible for the truth I just delivered." Naturally, this threw me into a tizzy.  I sat here and gradually got sadder and sadder as he did his thing downstairs.  Finally I realized he had to know he'd hurt me.  So I went down and explained and he was really nice about it.  But I still can't get it out of my head. I'm so stuck in thinking anymore that I'm a horrible person.  I mean, I've spent...