The value of a compliment
Dan was telling me all about something at work in which he'd managed to calm a disgruntled customer over the phone. I said to him, "See, why can't you be as polite with me as with customers? We'd get along a lot better! You'll see, I respond really well to niceness!" So he says "If you were my customer I wouldn't work for you." Then he chuckles. I said "no, I'm not really that awful am I?" Then he chuckled a bit more and said "just kidding!" Well I know that phrase. It means "don't hold me responsible for the truth I just delivered."
Naturally, this threw me into a tizzy. I sat here and gradually got sadder and sadder as he did his thing downstairs. Finally I realized he had to know he'd hurt me. So I went down and explained and he was really nice about it. But I still can't get it out of my head.
I'm so stuck in thinking anymore that I'm a horrible person. I mean, I've spent my life trying to improve my character. I really have. I've spent hours self analyzing, reconditioning verbal habits, correcting and scolding myself and helping the world to utterly crush my ego.
But because of the autism I still somehow come across as a complete bitch. Apparently I think I'm better than everyone else, I'm prone to control behaviour, always trying to tell everyone else everything. I apparently am too self absorbed and if I'm not going on about myself, it's boring crap to do with complicated science, philosophy, or stupid crafts nobody has time for.
I'm smug because I don't work, and of course clearly lazy. I don't try hard enough to duplicate the other humans around me, indicating that I"m trying to shake up the estabished politics and status quo. I'm clearly trying to show everyone how they should dress, eat, talk, live, exist, think, and be.
This and so much more I get from people. It blows me away because I don't perceive any of those motives in myself. Either I'm screwing up really badly and super-failing to come across, or I'm all those horrible things in truth and so self delusional I have myself convinced that I'm innocent of it. That's the way I assume everyone will take me.
I've seen this self-delusional behaviour in action a few times now. It always leaves me mystified. I don't understand HOW people can overwrite the data their sensory organs are sending in order to provide instead a mental image of a preferred reality.
Like if you're super obese and convince yourself it's just a larger body type and that sugar beverage is just a drop in the ocean.
When I was obese I couldn't hide from it. It made every activity painful and exhausting. It interfered with movement on my body. it caused me to be "clumsy" hitting things with my hips, elbows, and even knees, because my body didn't fit as well through openings. When I touched it, my body wobbled and rocked and wrinkles and folds were sweaty and miserable. I look in the mirror, and my physique was clearly lacking in the usual female curves, instead being somewhat blocky.
All that was obvious, I can't imagine seeing instead a thin woman! Or how about anorexia where they actually perceive fat? Looking at a skeletal body and seeing fat?
So yeah, those are the obvious examples. So many exist, from selfish people being greedy and rationalizing it away, to drunks insisting they don't drink a lot.
I sit and wonder, do I suffer this regarding my character? Am I really very craven and selfish? Do I actually put myself first every time but then find sneaky ways to think I'm martyring myself?
Well I sat here and wondered, if every human on the planet hates me and I can't survive alone, why can't I just get myself euthanized and get it over with?
If you have a dog that can't find anyone to love it, you put it down. Well arf, arf, arf. Love me or kill me, but don't leave me in the gutter, please.
Naturally, this threw me into a tizzy. I sat here and gradually got sadder and sadder as he did his thing downstairs. Finally I realized he had to know he'd hurt me. So I went down and explained and he was really nice about it. But I still can't get it out of my head.
I'm so stuck in thinking anymore that I'm a horrible person. I mean, I've spent my life trying to improve my character. I really have. I've spent hours self analyzing, reconditioning verbal habits, correcting and scolding myself and helping the world to utterly crush my ego.
But because of the autism I still somehow come across as a complete bitch. Apparently I think I'm better than everyone else, I'm prone to control behaviour, always trying to tell everyone else everything. I apparently am too self absorbed and if I'm not going on about myself, it's boring crap to do with complicated science, philosophy, or stupid crafts nobody has time for.
I'm smug because I don't work, and of course clearly lazy. I don't try hard enough to duplicate the other humans around me, indicating that I"m trying to shake up the estabished politics and status quo. I'm clearly trying to show everyone how they should dress, eat, talk, live, exist, think, and be.
This and so much more I get from people. It blows me away because I don't perceive any of those motives in myself. Either I'm screwing up really badly and super-failing to come across, or I'm all those horrible things in truth and so self delusional I have myself convinced that I'm innocent of it. That's the way I assume everyone will take me.
I've seen this self-delusional behaviour in action a few times now. It always leaves me mystified. I don't understand HOW people can overwrite the data their sensory organs are sending in order to provide instead a mental image of a preferred reality.
Like if you're super obese and convince yourself it's just a larger body type and that sugar beverage is just a drop in the ocean.
When I was obese I couldn't hide from it. It made every activity painful and exhausting. It interfered with movement on my body. it caused me to be "clumsy" hitting things with my hips, elbows, and even knees, because my body didn't fit as well through openings. When I touched it, my body wobbled and rocked and wrinkles and folds were sweaty and miserable. I look in the mirror, and my physique was clearly lacking in the usual female curves, instead being somewhat blocky.
All that was obvious, I can't imagine seeing instead a thin woman! Or how about anorexia where they actually perceive fat? Looking at a skeletal body and seeing fat?
So yeah, those are the obvious examples. So many exist, from selfish people being greedy and rationalizing it away, to drunks insisting they don't drink a lot.
I sit and wonder, do I suffer this regarding my character? Am I really very craven and selfish? Do I actually put myself first every time but then find sneaky ways to think I'm martyring myself?
Well I sat here and wondered, if every human on the planet hates me and I can't survive alone, why can't I just get myself euthanized and get it over with?
If you have a dog that can't find anyone to love it, you put it down. Well arf, arf, arf. Love me or kill me, but don't leave me in the gutter, please.