The next 50 years

Once again, I really want to talk to someone and can't. Lately I've been venting on social media and it's been nice to get responses, but this time, I need to vent and can't trust anyone. It's my sister. She's a lying bitch. Always was. I never knew if she cheated too but this seems to be a yes. Mom died and sister informs me that she is sole inheritor and executor and will decide how much of the meagre remains goes to me. Does not compute. The song she sang of poverty also, does not compute and fits her style of lying. Mom was just so damn frugal and closed about it all, she was NOT broke. Besides the house never got sold. It got rented for $1500 a month. Probably to family. Who are probably still there. Sister filed a will that's over ten years old, naming my father as trustee and he's been gone since ??? I don't even remember when he died, but it's been a LONG time. That's skullduggery. I wrote the disability advocate for the court ...

Are you expecting some expression of outage? Some communication of anger? Perhaps a long sob story of need? Maybe you have waited our whole lives for me to give you an excuse to speak foully at me without inhibition?  Well I have not waited at all. I simply never did it with you in the room. I do indeed spit fire and ice and fury in your name, but not when you are there. I do it to your ghost, as it were. Soul to soul, perhaps? I wouldn't really know. What I do know is that you've been hateful since I was born. I remember it all, in it's own hazy confusing way. The gaslighting made it so hard to understand what was going on. You spoke one script while acting another and I had no idea why. I tried so hard to be that sibling to you but you rejected every single advance I ever made, didn't you? You never initiated, and were always short and curt with me when I tried. I remember. This never ended, not even in adulthood. You never reached out and when I did, ma...

A woman in New Westminster saw me on tik tok and set up a fundraiser. It has done moderately well but not life changing. Basically, a bit of funds to loosen up my options, but not really enough to do much. I also got a drip from my mother's estate, now held entirely by my sister in complete secrecy and if I don't like it, I can pay a lawyer in ontario to inquire.  I am not clear the amounts nor do I think I should detail that stuff here but if I rack up 5k between the two sources it will be surprising.  I did purchase another laptop. The first is for general writing and file management, back up the phone, etc. It does not go online, and i can write on it, and it has great battery life. Can also watch movies on it.  This new one is strong enough to do 3d CAD for printing and also let me tour the hermitcraft world. Which honestly was all I gave a damn about. It feels so criminal to have spent the money on a "toy" instead of anything else. I don't regret it, and ...

It's been awhile because I've had people to speak to and Tik Tok to broadcast to. It's been a wild ride of mostly stress. I go from hope to despair like a pingpong, but mostly find myself dropping into the hope side like it's a drug. And it is. It offers me all the same things. But here's the rub, each time I think it's done, something changes. In this case, my mother has left. Now it's about her estate, and was there one? The house appears not to have been sold. Was it transferred? Was there any money left?  Whew. The house got listed as sold, but I still think I could put in an offer through the real estate agent. I strongly suspect they delisted instead of sold. Nothing about it physically has changed. Not the furnishings nor their arrangment. So it's wait and worry and hope and wonder. On other topics, I finally got someone to help me get somewhere with the system. It's not fast, but it's supportive and that's enormous as I move into...

My mother died this morning in her sleep.  I cannot say I grieve her because she was such a distant presence already.  You can call this cold, but then you haven't been keeping up. Last year I realized the way the world was, I didn't stand a fairy fart's chance in a traffic jam. I cannot escape the street and pain on my own.  My teeth are shot, it's getting scary and I can't even just have them pulled.  How I am coping is lots of teatree oil. That's one. The housing sitch.  I could find housing under 500k that I can accept.  Less?  No.  the whole business about being around 100k or so in debt won't help either.  Now back to last year and I remembered that I predicted today, way back in my youth.  I noted and knew the age of her and the age of me and it is indeed now. Which is fucking chilling really.  She also went as I said, stroke in the night. Whew.  So I siezed upon the idea, maybe her estate isn't depleted.  Even if i...

Crashing out.  Good phrase, I guess.  Meltdown.  Break down.  Despair is my preferred word. I spent the last six months willfully believing in manifestation and the power of positive thinking.  The house was sold to someone else. Back to even if I had a million dollars I still could not get out of this bus. Winter 3 and I am so over it but it's coming anyway.   I have to start moving around come se 21 unless I find a new lazy spot and there is as much competition as ever but a quarter as much space. What the fuck do I do?  I've exhausted all the charities and I don't fall under their auspices because I neither have children nor an addiction and do not have disability status.  the job center has pretty much just left me free floating with little crumbs of this and that. We have learned my abilities and skills and frankly I think they have less faith in me than i do. I learned last winter that carbon monoxide isn't a real hazard.  They hav...

It's been so long because a lot of my outlet has been through Tik Tok which has been very active and high feedback and reward loop.  So that's ok.  I even got to spend an afternoon with a cool human.  He seems to have shied off again but I won't push it, and maybe it's truly just the usual thing with being involved elsewhere now, nothing personal.  Humans cannot actively compete with fascination in the neurodiverse and it's nothing personal.  Well it's August now.  Last winter, Magick whispered "it is done, relax, be in the now, stop angsting, it's done."  I examined and understood that in fact, i do get what what i ask for.  Sometimes I wait longer, but time after after time now I can look and see how I get my wishes granted like I have a special friend or gift.  The pomeranian dog took till 2024 but in fact happened too, that started age 11.  Significant year, I think. I also started flute then. I also accepted that I had to do life al...

I guess this belongs here. About a month, maybe two ago, heck, perhaps last christmas? I forget, but this big blue wall took over my mountainn view and Anthony moved into the spot in front of me. Big blue class C RV, rebuilt with plywood, screws and caulking and tape, coated with paint to hide it all. Looks good at first. Well anyway, he started with little BS like implying I was saying something wrong, or that my bus was dirty. Now, context. Anthony is almost as short as me, maybe 2 inches higher. He is bald as a cue ball. He has the tits and belly of a pregnant woman and skin as dark as my xolo in summer. So he's got a lot of compensating to do, I guess? Well he's also clearly intensely misogynistic and has been gender shaming or mis gendering me from the beginning.   Enter the next attempt to cow me into submission or fear, shouting abuse at me if I run my bus after 9pm. Well I used to run it always after 10pm because this was a place nobody who hates idling buses w...

I went to a weavers and spinners meeting in Burnaby today and it was really good.  I had to leave early due to yapping overload.  I never have done that before but yet probably should have.  I either am learning to recognize the need or getting more autistic.  Or both. Anyway, I got downtown and realized I couldn't find my phone so turned around and drove all the way back only to miss the end of the meeting. The traffic was intense and I hit every red light, being at the back of the pack over and over.  I don't even know how I kept being at the back when I kept leaving the light at the front? Well anyway, I was frantic on the way out so didn't enjoy the driving, plus I had to pee. but on the way out both times I actually was happy to take wrong turns and learn the lay of the city more. I didn't take the same route twice and yet I didn't resort to a map once.  Yay!  Getting the hang of this.  I still can't find the freeway reliably from downtown, L...

I haven't blogged because there's been nothing to update or get off my chest. Just sitting and knitting.  Finished 2 sweaters this winter.  I don't like either one much but they may grow on me. I had the pysch assessment and it's more about cognitive ability than psychological state. It won't help with the disability application. I am dead curious my IQ upcoming. I assume it's lower than it used to be but then I flew through the IQ tests *except the math* and at one point saw out of the corner of my eye the supervising pshrink being astonished.  She said I got further in that puzzle than anyone, and I think I got further in most (except the math.) I did exhaust the vocabulary items but it threw one new word at me, palliate, which is the same root of palliative, and means to improve but not heal a condition.  So, alleviate. I also could not spell manoeuver correctly. I just did not, though, LOL  That's the kind of word that always gives me grief and the only ...

What confuses me most is how I can be so hated I dont deserve food and shelter but yet they still wont kill me

I did it, I made it to the fibre fair and blew my budget. I do have $300 on the credit card so I can get kerosene and what not, but I spent the money I would put in savings plus a bit more, $300 all told, on fiber. I did not find a single tool that interested me enough to buy it. I came close a couple times but the fiber is more valuable as art supplies than tools I already have a version of. No chance of a spinning wheel under $500. Not this month anyway, LOL, but I might try and get into a fiber club if I can locate one in reach.  Traffic in the middle of the day is not awful at all.  My experience coming home that day from saskatchewan was a rush hour time zone.  I expected to get here before rush hour got going  but rush hour started 3 hours sooner than I expected. or maybe only 2, but anyway, by 4:30am it was already piling up, and by 6 am I was stuck in unending traffic for the next 3 hours.  Well anyway, the drive was painless and affordable and it's abou...

I drove 45 mins to an event that starts tomorrow because I got my days mixed up.  LOL  I don't mind. The car is efficient and I enjoy driving it. The traffic was smooth and easy and the journey interesting. Further, tomorrow it will be far less unnerving looking for the place, even if it generates extra traffic on the way in to make it more stressful. I also discovered a funky dutch cafe.  I can't afford to be doing restaurants but had to burn an hour till 1pm when doors opened, but for participants to start setting up for tomorrow. Some of the stuff already in the building was quite exciting. Anyway, it hardly used any fuel, the guage is still showing full. I can't get over the size of this whole lower mainland area and all the different tower centers.  it was a lot more rural the last time I was here. Things have changed dramatically. It was also kind of refreshing to be in farmland again. I was raised in rural, and saskatchewan has a distinctly agrarian feel even ...

Today I realized Taylor's face is more than just surgery from bad teeth, she got her muzzle busted in the past and you know it wasn't another dog or by accident. It's too hard to do that by accident, but easy to do in a fit of rage. Poor baby, she's definitely got ptsd, I've seen her go into a fugue state of terror and panic.  I learned her tattoo is spca, so she's had that experience too. I just can't stop protecting her now I understand how deeply she's been hurt. I feel like we are two of a kind, seeing the worst of humans and just wanting safety. So I will live for her even if I do think I see a way out. Her life is now my new "hold on" time, I guess. It feels like the world doing me dirty rather than cooking up something good, though.  Well Taylor deserves it. She makes it easier too. Rene doesn't understand what a cute little teddy bear dog does for me that she can't. Sadly. Timmy felt that way about her, I think. What can...