august update, waiting tensely

It's been so long because a lot of my outlet has been through Tik Tok which has been very active and high feedback and reward loop.  So that's ok.  I even got to spend an afternoon with a cool human.  He seems to have shied off again but I won't push it, and maybe it's truly just the usual thing with being involved elsewhere now, nothing personal.  Humans cannot actively compete with fascination in the neurodiverse and it's nothing personal. 

Well it's August now.  Last winter, Magick whispered "it is done, relax, be in the now, stop angsting, it's done."  I examined and understood that in fact, i do get what what i ask for.  Sometimes I wait longer, but time after after time now I can look and see how I get my wishes granted like I have a special friend or gift.  The pomeranian dog took till 2024 but in fact happened too, that started age 11.  Significant year, I think. I also started flute then. I also accepted that I had to do life alone and it wasn't going to be easy.  I also was actively trying to figure out a clean gentle exit strategy already. 

Well at some point last winter, the same voice told me simply 'august' as an answer to how long will it take? And so it is now August.  I feel like when I have paid the deposit and signed the lease but have to wait out the month for the current tenant to move out. Yet there still is nothing tangible to go with this deep belief I am living in that this will happen.  That house in the marina will be mine, I will be out of this moldering bus before the next winter, and we won't all choke to death on mold while freezing in the dark. kl

The lack of tangible evidence leaves my anxiety just enough excuse to stay awake, but I keep refusing to give it the floor.  If all I get out of it was a few months of peace I guess that serves, and I have already done more value in that time by keeping my head from nose dive spiraling. I won the Emily trophy at the theatre, and it's a permenantly engraved plate on a made prop trophy that I get to keep one year. They explained that emily was a sound booth operator that was alwasy available and smoked cigars and did a fantastic job and so it now is awarded to hard workers each season. 

I suppose they see me as a hard worker.  I don't see me working harder than the rest but I do see it as a way of telling me I am welcome here, and that is good.  

I am working still with workBC to get employed.  I find it has been quite natural to just say yes to things, and that is serving me well both in the volunteer work and effort at seeking paid work.

I still do not have a solution for the debt and it will prevent me from earning, but then if I had steady income and benefits, I could probably negotiate a percentage against the debt. 

What I keep asking is a simple half million, no complications, via lottery or inheritance, tax free, with which to pay off debts, fix up the bus and Dan for a decade or so, buy a house and upgrade if needed, get my shattered teeth fixed, have access to disability, UBI, and whatever due to having the debt paid. Get the hernia fixed and be able to heal in my house with weekly help for things still needing lifting.  Which would be far less in a proper modern house.

I am so tired of this. It's all the hard work and none of the pleasure of camping rough in a vehicle, however comfy the furniture. The bus batteries are dying too.  The brakes are shot. The locality is the last stand for vehicle dwellers in the whole region. But a couple people are still being absolute pigs and being used as representation of us all by news crews reporting on us as "the problem."  Storage for the bus for 5 years and Dan can keep tools and materials there would be an example of a good idea. Then I get the trailer and he can park just about anywhere.  Shorter vans that fit ordinary lots and can go in 10 minutes are the way to do it now.

I did my budgeting whent he house was a higher price, and it could be even lower now. I bet they'd take less.  I would have enough to do the things I want and still put away a nest egg and budget out 2-5 yrs living expenses to supplement what I can earn.

On that front, I am in fact also writing a course curriculum for art classes.  It's a slow drag but progress is occurring.  I know I can do it, but writing this is hard work, and necessary before I know how the course lays out for time and structure.

The tarot deck is near to being submitted for publishing but I need to get the cards really well scanned and I don't know what or where, and I still don't know how this publisher handles the book that goes with the cards. Also without being able to find the images I did have I feel I can't lay out the book, and then they don't have anything about books to tell file formats required.

So that stalled.  I have SO much else going ont. Plus, what if i imported and digitized and reworked them over? Maybe there's a higher level of art I could do?  Hmmm.  I dunno.  I could repaint the dated ones but don't think they're that dated.  they will be eventually! So it's stalled but I would like to get on it and in fact from Vancouver I can definitely self publish well enough.  I can find people here to print them, and stores to carry them, and pocket the sales profits instead of the publishing company.  After all, it's in another country, one at odds with the world and going through a death spiral.  Seems a dumb place to sign over my copy rights, ne c'est pa?

The house?  Oh, Flotilla Sub Rosa is a little red square of metal siding and basic roof. She looks very much like a child's drawing of a house, and is under 700sq ft and floats at a dock. Dockage is half what a shitty apartment rent would be and seems to include utilities and internet.  Maybe? Well out of the 1/2mil I would definitely cover the bills for a couple years. 

See, if I run out of cash but have things paid off, then living on the senior's income becomes easier for a few years and I maybe can put away savings or hang onto a life saving amount in a saving's account. As a disabled person, I would be allowed up to 100k in savings and 2k/mth earnings.  Or is it 1.5k?  Well I forget exactly, but enough that if I make more than that it won't bother me that my income doesn't grow beyond N amount, not with the debts managed and the bills paid a year or two in advance.  that kind of cushion lets you have choices like when a tooth blows out or a critter gets sick or the car breaks or a window breaks, and so on.  You can afford to replenish the savings fund between disasters usually.  

So Dan remains up front in a van and helps me with groceries and dog food and hauls my water.

My health is deteriorating. My mental and physical health, in multiple ways.  My immune system issues seem to be flaring more frequently, and the smog from the buses doesn't help.  My hernia is a mess and so is my digestion. My lungs, see above re imune disorders.  Joint pinging hard all over, tension, posture difficulties, blurry vision and damped intellect, all plaguing me and slowing me down hard. 

I don't gets shit for sleep here with the traffic and trucks and zoomers roaring by rocking the bus.                                                                                           

Honestly, Flotilla is the dream home of all dream homes. Everything about her just screams perfection.

Anything else going on... Well not especially, but i did take up clarinet.  It's not going well, but I still like it. It feels good. Flute sometimes makes me a few dollars. Not lucrative at all, but maybe it will get better.

Yah, well, so I'm waiting on a miracle, four weeks left in the month, and wondering everything you migth wonder at a time like this.

Oh, and have an appt with another job coach type person tomorrow. I can't keep all the jargon straight, she has some other title. but her name, get this, it's Anar.  Yep, my online nym short form. Wild.  I cannot begin to list how many wee things seem just more connected than usual, to the point that if i did, I would gather a dx of psychosis!  But you know what?  Almost everyone actually believes in something that fits the description of magic. Something supernatural, or higher power, or greater than us, that might intervene on our behalf, even if it's an amorphous force we use ourselves to shape our desires.  

Well, here's to miracles. 

I definitely deserve one.