The next 50 years

I've been tossing this around. I could be content just sitting at home, so why am I not? Why do I have this desperate drive to get away? Ok, well the first problem is winter handicaps me severely.  I'm housebound at minus ten. I don't have a car that handles the cold nor lungs to handle it, and when I've pushed myself using asthma meds, discovered the cold neuropathy comes roaring back and stays around a few days after if I let my hands or feet get cold! Yeah, so I don't know why anyone wouldn't consider that a legitimate concern.  So I want away from winter. Now staying in should be not so bad, except I am utterly reliant on Dan to do that.  I rely on him to fetch provisions and provide the finances.  Now that sounds like a good thing, and it has very good aspects, but the problem with it is Dan himself. He is an abusive person always pushing everyone's buttons to get them riled up and shouting so he can feel less emotionally uncontrolled himself.  It...

Thank god for this blog.  Where the hell else could I get into this?  I was wishing I had a therapist today, but making the phone calls to try and find one, then meeting multiple people as we're dating for a relationship, assuming I have choices?  Nope. I ain't gonna do it. You can't make me! Ok well, so the thing I want to ask a therapist is, how do I figure out if I'm a passive aggressive covert narcissist, is that even a real thing, and if I am, what do I do about it?  I don't want to be. I'm so tired of everyong pushing me away. I want to be at least tolerable. pasting: Sensitivity to criticism Passive aggression Self-criticism Shyness Fantasies Other mental health issues Long-held grudges Envy Feelings of inadequacy False empathy Yeah, so that's cool, they're clickable.  Ok, I know I am hypersensitive to criticism. I know why too, I think anyone would be, because it's always been part of a life time of peer abuse and family a...

Well I think posting on Reddit isn't suiting me. I don't like getting all that feedback. I'm not able to discern honest feedback from manipulative feedback and I'm not strong enough for it.  It can be so terribly hard to figure out and every situation has two sides. I just don't want to be out there being told the other side.  Anyway, I'm still not sure why I need to talk about it anyway. I'd rather stop so I guess the reddit thing just isn't on.  But now I have more nasty words tumbling around in my head making me even sure that either I am a nasty person and should recuse myself to save others, or I am a nice person who'll never be understood or heard right and should recuse myself to save myself. Just that social isolation is difficult and scary. Especially since I'm married to a mad man whose trip down the rabbit hole is making him irate, forgetful, distant, and negative.  I really daydream about getting out of here.

I have been using reddit, so airing my whine around others, hoping for? I dunno. Doesn't do me any good and this in fact is better because I know I won't get responses at all. When I do get responses they're often a drawback, not a help. Like scolding me for something that isn't even in the topic but they read between the lines and want to correct me. Or platitudes. Oh I hate those. And really, my situation is pretty rare if anyone in the whole world ever had it at all.  Today's helpless bitching session focuses on my marriage.  Oh I've had some big sessions around my mother and sister this winter, and my failure to coe with people generally. But today it's Mr. Miracle?  Wha? Well not long after we married, our sex life died.  He never talked about it so I don't know how it bounced around in his head. I wasn't happy about it but between his pure mindless oafishness and my physical situation it just wasn't happening.  Turns out a huge problem wa...