Why I can't be content to be at home.
I've been tossing this around. I could be content just sitting at home, so why am I not?
Why do I have this desperate drive to get away?
Ok, well the first problem is winter handicaps me severely. I'm housebound at minus ten. I don't have a car that handles the cold nor lungs to handle it, and when I've pushed myself using asthma meds, discovered the cold neuropathy comes roaring back and stays around a few days after if I let my hands or feet get cold!
Yeah, so I don't know why anyone wouldn't consider that a legitimate concern. So I want away from winter.
Now staying in should be not so bad, except I am utterly reliant on Dan to do that. I rely on him to fetch provisions and provide the finances. Now that sounds like a good thing, and it has very good aspects, but the problem with it is Dan himself. He is an abusive person always pushing everyone's buttons to get them riled up and shouting so he can feel less emotionally uncontrolled himself. It's become a habitual amusement that he trots out sometimes hourly. he's got my buttons well mapped, and learning to ignore him is a long slow process fraught with aggravation. Aggravation equals stress and what he honestly is trying to do is keep me stressed. On some subconscious level he needs the room energy to always be ready to jump like rabbits under a hawk shadow.
That's my #1 reason for my anxiety and discomfort and need to do something. I don't know how to get rid of him so I want to slip away and find a better life without him. I want to rescue our pets when I do. Naturally. So that means I need to be able to provide adequate housing for two dogs and a parrot.
So I'm still stuck and freaking out and now, with this fucking virus, he's home twice as much.
He's still working but work has slowed and there's no agency for covering our bills when work slows, for any reason.
Some of those bills are being deferred till september so folks like us get some break. But for the most part, this isn't good for my health, you know?
Now that I've written it down I still feel justified in my feelings, and guaranteed to be misunderstood by everyone else. I can't get them to read this. So they'll assume I'm just being melodramatic. Like he does.
Why do I have this desperate drive to get away?
Ok, well the first problem is winter handicaps me severely. I'm housebound at minus ten. I don't have a car that handles the cold nor lungs to handle it, and when I've pushed myself using asthma meds, discovered the cold neuropathy comes roaring back and stays around a few days after if I let my hands or feet get cold!
Yeah, so I don't know why anyone wouldn't consider that a legitimate concern. So I want away from winter.
Now staying in should be not so bad, except I am utterly reliant on Dan to do that. I rely on him to fetch provisions and provide the finances. Now that sounds like a good thing, and it has very good aspects, but the problem with it is Dan himself. He is an abusive person always pushing everyone's buttons to get them riled up and shouting so he can feel less emotionally uncontrolled himself. It's become a habitual amusement that he trots out sometimes hourly. he's got my buttons well mapped, and learning to ignore him is a long slow process fraught with aggravation. Aggravation equals stress and what he honestly is trying to do is keep me stressed. On some subconscious level he needs the room energy to always be ready to jump like rabbits under a hawk shadow.
That's my #1 reason for my anxiety and discomfort and need to do something. I don't know how to get rid of him so I want to slip away and find a better life without him. I want to rescue our pets when I do. Naturally. So that means I need to be able to provide adequate housing for two dogs and a parrot.
So I'm still stuck and freaking out and now, with this fucking virus, he's home twice as much.
He's still working but work has slowed and there's no agency for covering our bills when work slows, for any reason.
Some of those bills are being deferred till september so folks like us get some break. But for the most part, this isn't good for my health, you know?
Now that I've written it down I still feel justified in my feelings, and guaranteed to be misunderstood by everyone else. I can't get them to read this. So they'll assume I'm just being melodramatic. Like he does.