The next 50 years

Am I responsible for my spouse's behaviour?  What if I have the power to stymie him? But to do so would be a disrespectful act and abusive thereby. My spouse is a terrible troll. He's the epitome of horrid troll. Today I caught him being nasty in multiple comments on a good news story about... Koalas. Why? Because the news company in question is being being tagged by the troll overlord for abuse, that's why. The internet is in my name and he's too scattered to ever go turn it back on. I'd have to lose it myself, but it would knock him back a bit. Only a bit, though, as his phone is a work necessity including the data on it.  That's in my name too. But I am one who governs by "do the right thing" even when it may be a difficult, harsh, or even counter intuitive act.  I don't betray certain rules, and without being able to define it, cutting off internet to control his behaviour is not the right solution.  Controlling his behaviour is not the righ...

This is another one of those things you're supposed to do, but nobody wants you to actually do it. They always go on about making lists of your pros, but only in a career/resume fashion. When people are seeking love, they talk about it, but just to sit down and tell anyone what's great about you? No, don't do that. Just don't. They'll hate you. Every damn time. So how do you do that? Well I don't use pen and paper, my hands never felt comfortable making tiny letters, my eyes no longer see well enough even with glasses, and it's a waste of paper and ink! This however is a lovely private place where it feels  like someone will read it. And if there is one thing I always felt in life, it was unheard and misunderstood! I can't see any way to mend that in the world around me, but this little blog is a welcome answer to the problem. In fact I often recommend this, making a "secret" blog that you don't share with people you know, you just leave i...

I don't tell other people my ideas on parenting. I'm not a parent. I don't weigh in on it. But I do think about it, a lot. And today I wanted to write something down about it. Things you need to raise a healthy kid: feed and shelter and clothe them tell them when they do something right. Every time, forever and ever as long as they live.  Give them the "atta boy" so they know you noticed. Teach them proper manners.  Just don't bend on this one.  Like a puppy, if you let them jump and bite they become a problem when they're older, so be firm about this one. It may be the only thing you do force on them. Manners.  Demand it. This is where the roots of honor, social skills, and future success begins. If your kid can't charm anyone, your kid is going to fail. Support their interests to the best of your ability.  You can't sent them to space camp but you can encourage the study, the obsession, the research, the learning. When they switch abruptly ...

I'm always coming here when I want to talk something out without actually telling anyone. Today when I went to empty my colostomy bag it was a horror show of old blood and shit. Disturbing!  My belly did hurt more than usual this morning. I don't understand if I'm just eating soft low fiber food why would I be bleeding?  But then you know what? maybe it's colitis and it'll clear up on it's own. Well the thing is, I don't want to deal with medicine again. The 7 am check ins  for a fucking appointment to TALK about it, plus blood test. The possibility of more surgery?  No No No, god no. I mean I was going to put up with one more surgery for scar revision but I really thought it would be day surgery like my main top surgery. They let me go home the same day. But stay in hospital living on ensure?  I don't want to.  I'm not the least bit afraid I'll die, there's no chance I'm dying young.  I want it too badly.  I would dive in if someone offe...

I think what LSD seemed to do was to strip away the filters that the brain uses to make sense of the stew of inputs that exist both in the environment and neurally. Ordinarly the cartoonish patterns one sees on LSD are there but being ignored because they're static. Noise.  But whe you take the LSD, that "ignore anything not part of X" is turned off and everything comes flying in.  For some, it's too much.  For most it's overwhelming. For some, it's enlightening. I think mostly you need to remember you're tripping, that's important, because you're tripping.  But in there, with your filters down and all inputs on receive, you can access higher energies, spirit levels, deeper parts of yourself. If that's why you're there.   if you just want your sensory inputs turned up to 11, that's all you'll get.  For some, they really aren't able to stand what they see and they really do have a psychotic break, but I would argue that they were...

I was raised by racists. I realize that now. I kind of did then but didn't have enough reference points to understand the degree. It's taken my black hairless dog to finally change how my brain sees dark coloured skin. While that transformation was coming over me I started thinking about beauty and perfection and evolution.  i thought how this dog's beauty was in part becuase the breed was shaped by evolution, by nature, not by human direction.  I thought that this maybe is the epitome of what appeals to us instinctively, above and beyond issues of health and strength, which are the first things that strike our beauty chords. So then I started thinking, the folks in africa, they're in the environment wherein humans evolved. They're the original human form, right? Tightly curled black hair and deeply tanned glossy skin. Full lips and large liquid eyes.  Human beauty. Then the rest of us are the result of localized environmental pressure mutations when we were force...

I was thinking about how terribly my parents parented. About how they shouldn't have had kids. Then remembered the pill came out the year I did.  But then I thought, no, my father was well versed in condom use, and even talked about condoms at the dinner table.  We had no boundaries of the sort others seem to take for granted and scatology and sexuality were fair topics over dinner. Well so if Dad could have chosen not to get mom pregnant, then why was I born? Except if he wasn't as precise and sure as he maybe liked to believe? So if Dad's condom use wasn't completely reliable, did he leave pregnant women behind when he was sailing the world in the merchant marines? They'd all be in their 60s I suppose as he was sailing in the 50s. I bet even in Argentina he had a lover, he spoke so fondly of the place and probably had a decent length of stayover.  Why exactly he married my mom I've never quite understood, but as narcissist as she is, she probably manipulated ...

change is easy. Deliberate change, not so much. I never really felt like I needed friends, but that I might need friends, that friends looked like a pretty important thing, and so I prioritized people and spoke of them as priorities and just followed those rules of good social behaviour. I don't feel that I've received the same in return.  I feel like I've been judged and rejected and subsequently abused far too often and welcomed far too seldom. When I have been, it's been by strangers. Once they knew me, it seems they either drifted off or pushed me out. I was looking at the spruce trees in front of my house. All adult trees. Five of them. One, like my Father, off to the side, independant and strong. One other very large, at the other end, like my brother, leaning way out.  If he was human he wouldn't be there. Another two large ones, one bigger than the other, represent my mother and sister, and which is which I could not say.  I think the daughter outgrew the...