do I have half brothers and sisters out there?
I was thinking about how terribly my parents parented. About how they shouldn't have had kids. Then remembered the pill came out the year I did. But then I thought, no, my father was well versed in condom use, and even talked about condoms at the dinner table. We had no boundaries of the sort others seem to take for granted and scatology and sexuality were fair topics over dinner.
Well so if Dad could have chosen not to get mom pregnant, then why was I born? Except if he wasn't as precise and sure as he maybe liked to believe? So if Dad's condom use wasn't completely reliable, did he leave pregnant women behind when he was sailing the world in the merchant marines? They'd all be in their 60s I suppose as he was sailing in the 50s. I bet even in Argentina he had a lover, he spoke so fondly of the place and probably had a decent length of stayover. Why exactly he married my mom I've never quite understood, but as narcissist as she is, she probably manipulated him into it. My father put himself into his choice, because he really felt like big promises were important. I would say he had integrity but since he stole from his employer the point is moot.
I wonder if had children with other women and where are they now? Did he know they got pregnant? Was that why he gave up the sea and married my mother and emigrated to a foreign land to hate his life choices for the next forty years? Dad was NOT happy with his career in Canada. He was also very unhappy to be so far from the sea. My mother should have tried harder to get him to a port city, the best they managed was a very big lake. Because my mother's older brother had come to Canada, and kept making empty promises of support to make them come here. I guess he wanted not to be alone after leaving home. I think they left home because their mother was a hellbeast. I think Dad left home because his father was a cold machine with nothing but criticism for his sons. I wish they'd gone to their other choice, New Zealand, where artists are much more valued. Or that they'd stayed in europe where I could have enjoyed the modern amenities therein, including the less harsh winters. I've been transported to a form of siberia for forty years and it's awful and I want out, but can't seem to escape. I can't escape by suicide. Can't escape via extreme cancer. Can't seem to get a vehicle to take me away. I even did escape for 8 months but stupidly returned because before I'd left I had friends here. However, many had already left here and the rest moved away when I did, so upon returning I found nothing and no one on my side. It's been that way since.
Well so if Dad could have chosen not to get mom pregnant, then why was I born? Except if he wasn't as precise and sure as he maybe liked to believe? So if Dad's condom use wasn't completely reliable, did he leave pregnant women behind when he was sailing the world in the merchant marines? They'd all be in their 60s I suppose as he was sailing in the 50s. I bet even in Argentina he had a lover, he spoke so fondly of the place and probably had a decent length of stayover. Why exactly he married my mom I've never quite understood, but as narcissist as she is, she probably manipulated him into it. My father put himself into his choice, because he really felt like big promises were important. I would say he had integrity but since he stole from his employer the point is moot.
I wonder if had children with other women and where are they now? Did he know they got pregnant? Was that why he gave up the sea and married my mother and emigrated to a foreign land to hate his life choices for the next forty years? Dad was NOT happy with his career in Canada. He was also very unhappy to be so far from the sea. My mother should have tried harder to get him to a port city, the best they managed was a very big lake. Because my mother's older brother had come to Canada, and kept making empty promises of support to make them come here. I guess he wanted not to be alone after leaving home. I think they left home because their mother was a hellbeast. I think Dad left home because his father was a cold machine with nothing but criticism for his sons. I wish they'd gone to their other choice, New Zealand, where artists are much more valued. Or that they'd stayed in europe where I could have enjoyed the modern amenities therein, including the less harsh winters. I've been transported to a form of siberia for forty years and it's awful and I want out, but can't seem to escape. I can't escape by suicide. Can't escape via extreme cancer. Can't seem to get a vehicle to take me away. I even did escape for 8 months but stupidly returned because before I'd left I had friends here. However, many had already left here and the rest moved away when I did, so upon returning I found nothing and no one on my side. It's been that way since.