scary symptoms

I'm always coming here when I want to talk something out without actually telling anyone. Today when I went to empty my colostomy bag it was a horror show of old blood and shit. Disturbing!  My belly did hurt more than usual this morning. I don't understand if I'm just eating soft low fiber food why would I be bleeding?  But then you know what? maybe it's colitis and it'll clear up on it's own. Well the thing is, I don't want to deal with medicine again. The 7 am check ins  for a fucking appointment to TALK about it, plus blood test. The possibility of more surgery?  No No No, god no. I mean I was going to put up with one more surgery for scar revision but I really thought it would be day surgery like my main top surgery. They let me go home the same day. But stay in hospital living on ensure?  I don't want to.  I'm not the least bit afraid I'll die, there's no chance I'm dying young.  I want it too badly.  I would dive in if someone offered a suicide bath, so long as it was pain free.
Well it's a friday. I did dial up the doctor's office and while waiting on hold got impatient.  I don't really want to deal with it at all. So I'm going to spend the weekend worrying and hoping the problem goes away on it's own. Maybe it was yesterday's pasta causing a bout of colitis? Just because it hasn't been diagnosed is no guarantee I don't have it, although I doubt I do. I don't know. What makes your belly bleed? The internet is being super useless, either "call 911" level hysterics or "probably nothing." I mean, how about a list of all the "nothings" for me? It's a lousy time for a medical emergency!  There's this pandemic going on.  If you're reading this in the future, look up what happened in the spring of 2020.  Last thing I want is to have to go to a waiting area full of sick people! So yeah, if it doesn't clear up by Monday I'll try harder and meantime I'll take an iron pill daily to provide some extra protection.  And not tell anyone. Because Dan is just going to make the noise he thinks the rules require, while having no thoughts or input or action to offer. Likewise Tom. and there's nobody else to tell.  Ain't nobody going to take my hand and take over and tell me it's going to be ok. I either decided to do something or I don't do something and nobody will know either way.  It makes me sad that I don't have that in my life but there you are.

Alright, some googling later, because of course I'm going to keep going, and there are some extremely likely causes that require just time and gentleness to self heal.  So waiting over the weekend and just not doing anything strenuous seems the best course. And lots of water.  and iron pills.

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